I need help :(

[girlyprob]

What i wanna ask u for help is that my boyfriend wont trust me that i didnt sleep with another man but him .. im 22 years old ,I was a virgin till few days ago , so i did masturbate with fingers before but i never did bleed.. i had sex for the first time with my boyfriend but i didnt bleed , now he wont trust me that i never had sex before i keep reading articles that there are some girls that dont even bleed for certain reasons but he doesnt trust me in this point at all .. how can i find proves to him that i was really a virgin ....
Were together for almost a year since the beggining i told him that i was a virgin, he didnt see blood now hes like i didnt see blood its not my problem what did u do i didnt see it !! hes my first one and hes not believing it :'( if u have any idea how can i prove at him it would be very very helpful .. if i dont prove it somehow he will dump me , i love him i really literarly have noone to talk with for this thing! .. ty for reading <3

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, girlyprob.

Just so *you* know, bleeding with first sex with someone, when it's actually really wanted, and everyone involved is being gentle, is UNcommon, not common. When vaginal bleeding with sexual activity -- be it a 1st time or a 300th time -- happens, it usually happens because there was an injury, due to a partner not being gentle enough or the person with the vagina not actually being into it enough before it even starts.

But I'm concerned you're with someone who is treating you this way, and who seems to see you and your body as, basically, something to try and own. Something about them, not you.

I'm concerned you're with someone who is making being with you contingent not just on you never having had a partner but them before (which is bad enough all by itself), but on proving it to them. Proving it to them by having to bleed, no less, which is pretty darn creepy when you think about it. Who would want their partner to get hurt with any kind of sex, and why would that make someone feel good?

But you can't prove he was your first partner. No one could prove that to someone else. That's not something we CAN prove, because the body offers up no such proof. But no one should HAVE to prove this to someone else. In a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, no one is even asked to. So, I wouldn't suggest you try and prove it. I'd suggest you think about why you're with someone who'd act like this in the first place.

So, can I ask you if outside of this, this is actually someone who you think is a truly wonderful person, and who treats you with loads of respect and care? Who extends trust to you? Who is willing to check themselves when they're behaving poorly and correct that behaviour?

Can I also ask why you'd even *want* to stay with someone who is treating you like this? Why not, if you're going to be with someone, choose someone who treats you with more trust, care and respect?

[girlyprob]

i never felt like this before in my life , i think i fell badly in love with him , i cant quit .. i know hes harsh when it comes to these things i want to try everything i can just so he wont dump me although hes very kind to me which makes me feel the most luckiest girl in the world everything messed up when this problem came may god help me find a respecful way with this :S ... thank u so so much for the reply it rly meant to me <3

[Heather]

Staying with someone is always a choice. When someone is treating us poorly -- and this truly is not caring, respectful treatment of anyone, what he's doing -- it's a choice we always want to think hard about. You deserve to be treated with care and kindness and respect. It might not be a choice we want to me, we might wish we could stay and have someone act differently, but choosing to stay with someone who has shown us they will be hurtful to us and won't stop is a choice that is never in anyone's best interest.

And if and when we don't respect ourselves, we're going to tend to find that we draw people to us who don't respect us, either. If and when we treat ourselves with care and respect, those who also do will tend to be the kinds of people who are part of our lives. You say he's very kind to you, but what you have posted about here is exceptionally unkind.

So, I would strongly suggest you center all of this on yourself, first and foremost. Again, I'd ask, if you don't mind, why you think you should stay with someone treating you this way? Why do you feel like it's a good use of your energy to try everything, including letting go of your self-care and self-respect, to keep this person from leaving?

After all, that's going to keep you with someone who will keep finding ways to be hurtful like this (this is most likely just the start of this kind of behaviour: people who are emotionally abusive to others don't usually start that way from the front, but instead start doing it in time, then once they start, keep doing it more and more, finding new ways to be hurtful) AND keep you from seeking out someone who will, instead, treat you with respect and care. Don't you feel like you deserve better than this?

[girlyprob]

i think i should because nobody fitted in my life better then him .. I love him i mean i really do cuz i thought i loved before but this is completely different i can tell .. The way he talks to me makes me laugh even if he makes me angry, idk how but he manages to make laugh so fast after he messes things up i usually am stubborn with everyone but i cant be with him .. He treats me like he has eyes only for me , we used to talk like 24 hours a day we did everything together he was so sincere since day one , i never cought him lie to me he gave me a lot of reasons to trust him .. Im a gamer , he is too at first i thought thats the reason he liked me but i had to pause for a month but he was still there talkin me day and night helpin me figure things out .. He is a baby lover i ADORE babies but i think he adores em more hes crazy hhahaha , the way he looks at me makes me lose my mind , he is not that beautiful but in physical look he has everything i want in a man .. he is a very very funny guy i hate jokes when theyre about me but he never jokes me around ... the way i used to feel his chest pounding when he was holding me gave me hope .. the way i love him feels like the way i love my nephew which is the love of my life ,i just dont know i have a lot in common with him but idk what to think i wouldnt like to lose a person like him but still u are right ure words got me thinking to much maybe this is just an addiction i dont know what to think .. btw he dumbed me maybe he aint worth after all !!

[Heather]

How long have you two been dating? That matters in all this, and I'm realizing I have no idea.

Also, it sounds like you're saying that before him, even with how he's behaving, you haven't had a dating relationship you felt strongly about (though you say you have loved others you have dated before, I think). Do I have that right? If so, mind filling me in a little bit on your dating history before this guy?

(I know I ask a lot of questions. We just try hard here to make sure that what we're advising users is really tailored to them, rather than us just chucking out more generic advice. I have one more to ask, but I don't want to overwhelm you.)

I do want to say that people who are emotionally abusive or manipulative DO tend to draw us in sometimes much more strongly than people who aren't. And they will often pay WAY more attention to us, seem obsessed with us (often because they are, but that's not a healthy thing, however, if we are really hungry for attention it might feel good at first), and we will often feel magnetized by them. What's tricky about that is that we often grow up surrounded by ideas that what's the most romantic stuff of ever that are actually not the stuff of healthy relationships, so it can feel very confusing, and be hard to see that what's going on isn't actually loving, but unhealthy.

[girlyprob]

about 8 months .. no i never rly had a strong relationship .. i used to date another guy that i was obsessed with him about 4 years ago he never said he loved me he told me he just wants a girlfriend nothing more but as stupid as i am i said okey im havin an adventure i wanna try out what its like to have a boyfriend that i dont love ,just to have one .. we dated for a while idk why he stood with me while i didnt give him a lot to satisfy him self , time did its own i fell for him i liked my self around him i loved the way i felt having a guy of my own but he never changed his words so i had to dumb him but never stopped thinkin about it ... before him i had 2 more boyfriends that lasted like 2 weeks maybe, we were young :L didnt even know what we were doing haha i dont count them but im openin my self .. since this guy i tried finding one that makes me feel alive i chatted with a looot but found none so i decided to focus on my study and work i did finished a university i got a job i was perfectly cool with my life but then he came along and made it even more better he was everytime supportive when it came to my life .. we applied to a new university in another city we wanted to move together if we got in i mean it was going so so well but then this had to happen to me ...... btw i muslim , i live in a place that were still not international or idk how to describe it most of ppl here are with old thoughts while im openminded which ppl misunderstand it but i dont mind about this cuz my guy is like this he understood me all the time .. it is rare to find good girls in my place these days he was so pleased to know that i was still a virgin .. i told him about my boyfriends, never lied to him (ofc little things dont count) , im usually another person with guys i act tough but i let go with him cuz i was suprised he liked me when i was 100% me , he made me trust him so much ...

[Karyn]

Hi girlyprob, I hope it's okay if I jump in here with some thoughts. (And I'm sure Heather will have a lot more to offer next time they're here too.)

What I'm hearing is that this relationship is the first you've had where you really felt like the other person felt just as strongly about you as you felt about them, and that can be a seriously powerful feeling and a hard thing to think about giving up. But that sort of intensity isn't the only thing that makes a relationship a positive and healthy one, and it can actually be a red flag, as Heather mentioned. You've said he understood you, but the way he's acting doesn't line up with that at all.

I've just noticed that in your post before this one, you say he dumped you: do I have that right? If so, in addition to continuing to talk about how he treated you up until now, is there anything we can do in terms of supporting you with regards to that? The end of a relationship can be tough regardless of the circumstances, so if you want to talk about that as well we can absolutely do that.

[girlyprob]

yes these 2 days i wrote him ,he wrote back but hes only talkin like - ok , yes , no , great- etc... last night he completely ignored me , he said to go away i dont trust u , i begged him again to talk but he just left seen... i think i should leave him to calm down maybe , he hasnt blocked me anywhere i guess hell talk to me again.. should i wait or should i let go !?!?!?!

[girlyprob]

i appreciate all ure time for me thank you so so much it means a lot u really helped me just by opening my self at you ...

[Karyn]

I know it probably isn't what you want to hear, but given all you've said about him and his behaviour, this is not a relationship I would suggest that you try and hang on to. As hard as it might be right now, ending it definitely and moving on is likely going to be far more positive for you in the long run.

How do you feel about that?

(I'm heading out for the night by the way, but I'll check in again tomorrow morning my time, and there will be other volunteers here in the meantime to talk with you more.)

[girlyprob]

i understand that hes bad for me but fuck that i guess ill give him one more chance to get back... im counting on gods will this time ... uve helped way to much to understand a lot of things again thank you so much <3

[Sam W]

Hi girlyprob,

While it's absolutely up to you to decide what you do, I have to side with Karyn and say that my advice would be not to give him another chance. He's demonstrated with his actions that he doesn't care about you, and is more than willing to treat you badly. Even if he decides to get back together with you, that's not going to change how he treats you. In fact, that can sometimes make people like this worse, because they realize how much power they have over you.

Too, you might benefit from this exercise: take a moment to imagine your ideal relationship. How does that partner treat you? How do you feel in that relationship? Do they trust you? Do you feel happy and believed rather than forced to prove yourself? Because I can promise you, whatever good qualities this guy has, there is someone out there who also has them who will not treat you so poorly.