Scarleteen

so, basically i'm stuck in a negative self-fulfilling prophecy loop that's happening in different aspects of my life. i'd rather not go into detail about what those things are, but i'm wondering: do y'all have any suggestions on how i can get out of this loop and instead move towards a positive self-fulfilling prophecy loop? thanks!

P.S. I just realized this is in the wrong section! I meant to put this in the "et cetera" section, my bad!

Hi MusicNerd,

I am sorry you have gotten stuck in one of those loops - they can feel so hard to get out of and it does really suck how easily they can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Self-care is a big part of getting yourself out of the loop, as is identifying what you're feeling and why.
In regards to self-care, what have you done in the past that helps you when you are having a hard time? Changing up your routine might also help you feel less stuck, especially if everything is beginning to feel like a pattern. What do you think you could do to change up your routine in a positive way?
And in regards to identifying what has gotten you in this loop, if you don't walk to talk about it more here (but if you decide you do I would love to talk to you more about that) journaling can be a really good option to help figure out what feelings you are experiencing that are making you feel stuck and where that is all stemming from.
I hope this helps - I know this stuff can be so hard, but it sounds like you are on the right track even just based on the fact that you have a positive loop in mind

hey Carmen, thanks for responding (and presumably moving my thread)!

Carmen wrote:Hi MusicNerd,

I am sorry you have gotten stuck in one of those loops - they can feel so hard to get out of and it does really suck how easily they can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Self-care is a big part of getting yourself out of the loop, as is identifying what you're feeling and why.
In regards to self-care, what have you done in the past that helps you when you are having a hard time? Changing up your routine might also help you feel less stuck, especially if everything is beginning to feel like a pattern. What do you think you could do to change up your routine in a positive way?

well, in the past i've usually tried to find ways to mentally soothe myself (a.k.a. soothing that inner voice/younger-self that seems to be negative about everything-ever), but that's really exhausting honestly. lol i also try and schedule time to hang out with friends, or work on assignments/my thesis in cafes, but i'm super busy with things right now to hang out with people and i'm a little too broke to be in cafes (at least for this week). i've got a thesis due in 10 days, an exam i'm cramming for that's in 9 hours (early in the morning), graduation plans to make, and 5 other classes to worry about, in addition to a job schedule i've been maintaining to pay for rent/groceries and whatnot. so i kinda need to keep a routine going in order to keep some bit of stability in my life tbh. sorry that was a lot! haha

Carmen wrote:And in regards to identifying what has gotten you in this loop, if you don't walk to talk about it more here (but if you decide you do I would love to talk to you more about that) journaling can be a really good option to help figure out what feelings you are experiencing that are making you feel stuck and where that is all stemming from.

i guess one thing i feel comfortable talking about is: this negative loop i'm in regarding post-grad plans. i'm taking a gap year before i decide where to go for grad school, and everyone around me has their post-grad plans figured out with cool internships/jobs and abroad plans (and i really badly wanna go abroad!). also, for some context: i go to a school full of over-achievers, so this notion of everyone having-all-their-shit-together is super common among most of the type-A students who go here, so that's a pretty stressful/unhealthy environment to be in. but anyway, this negative loop is essentially saying how hard it's gonna be for me to find anything i wanna do for the summer, like going abroad (that will also pay me!) in such a short amount of time, and how it'll especially be hard for me to find opportunities to go back to somewhere like london in the fall (again, that would also pay me in the process, since i don't really have money!).

i'm thinking i might just give up on the idea of doing anything interesting over the summer and just try to find a job around my university's campus and live somewhere cheap while i save up some money, but that also bores me/makes me feel drained, too, so idk.... so yeah, that's been pretty stressful, i guess sorry, that was a lot at once! haha

Carmen wrote:I hope this helps - I know this stuff can be so hard, but it sounds like you are on the right track even just based on the fact that you have a positive loop in mind

thanks! i really appreciate the positivity in this sentence

Oh wow that is a lot of stuff you have going on. I can't imagine juggling all those different aspects of life at one - that totally makes sense why a routine is necessary to manage it all. Since it sounds like a lot of it is coming up fairly soon hopefully you will be able to more easily get out of the loop after your exam and after your thesis (that will sure be a big load off your shoulders!). Do you think that will be true? In the mean time maybe there are small little self-care things you might be able to fit in. Maybe grabbing a meal with a friend you know would make you feel better - since eating is something you have to do anyways that might make it easier to fit in. Mental soothing can also just take a little bit of time but make a big difference. If trying to actively sooth that inner voice feels too exhausting maybe a more relaxed meditation or breathing exercise could help? Physical exercise can also be a great stress reliever as well. If you want to peruse through more possible ideas you can read through some more here Self-Care a La Carte

The post-grad plans thing sounds so stressful! I know that in environments like that it can totally feel like you are surrounded by people who have their shit together - although I know that a lot of times, especially in spaces where the norm is over achievement, that is not actually true and there are lots of people in the same boat you are - you are not alone. However, that does not diminish the fear of not knowing what your post-grad plans are. How does thinking about giving up on the idea of doing anything interesting over the summer feel? Do you think you would be able to practice self-care and create a positive loop within that possible plan? And on the other side, are there any opportunities you are still hopeful about or interested in right now - for the summer or maybe just something you are excited about in the next few years?

Carmen wrote:Oh wow that is a lot of stuff you have going on. I can't imagine juggling all those different aspects of life at one - that totally makes sense why a routine is necessary to manage it all. Since it sounds like a lot of it is coming up fairly soon hopefully you will be able to more easily get out of the loop after your exam and after your thesis (that will sure be a big load off your shoulders!). Do you think that will be true? In the mean time maybe there are small little self-care things you might be able to fit in. Maybe grabbing a meal with a friend you know would make you feel better - since eating is something you have to do anyways that might make it easier to fit in. Mental soothing can also just take a little bit of time but make a big difference. If trying to actively sooth that inner voice feels too exhausting maybe a more relaxed meditation or breathing exercise could help? Physical exercise can also be a great stress reliever as well. If you want to peruse through more possible ideas you can read through some more here Self-Care a La Carte

yeah, i've read that article before, but i need to go through it again. thanks for linking that! yeah, maybe just a meal could be helpful to do with a friend. and yeah, maybe meditating could help, thanks.

Carmen wrote:The post-grad plans thing sounds so stressful! I know that in environments like that it can totally feel like you are surrounded by people who have their shit together - although I know that a lot of times, especially in spaces where the norm is over achievement, that is not actually true and there are lots of people in the same boat you are - you are not alone. However, that does not diminish the fear of not knowing what your post-grad plans are. How does thinking about giving up on the idea of doing anything interesting over the summer feel? Do you think you would be able to practice self-care and create a positive loop within that possible plan? And on the other side, are there any opportunities you are still hopeful about or interested in right now - for the summer or maybe just something you are excited about in the next few years?

yeah, i've been trying to remind myself that many people are in the same spot as me. doesn't make things any less stressful for me right now, but it helps a bit to know i'm not alone. and to answer your questions in bold: tbh, no. lol it would not be fun or very-conducive if i gave up on this idea, honestly. like, i know myself well-enough to know that: 1. i wanna get out of my hometown (which is also where i go to university. i also didn't really want to go here honestly, but that's a whole other story that i'll go into another time). it reminds me too much of my abusive parents (who have been trying to reach out to me lately, which sucks 'cause i told them months ago that i only want them to talk to me if it's something urgent that involves me and them (financial aid, medical insurance, etc). so i've been mostly ignoring them and it's frustrating) and 2. there are just people (along with my university in general) that i just wanna avoid who are in my hometown, so getting out and going somewhere else would be really nice for me.

EDIT: i forgot to answer the last part, sorry! yeah, there are a few opportunities i'm hopeful about. i've been applying to some really cool internships abroad that i haven't heard back from yet (some things i've applied to i've already been rejected from, which kinda sucks). and there's another internship that seems almost perfect for me (even if it doesn't pay the best), but i haven't applied yet since i think that me being an American citizen might be too much of a hassle for them. :/

Glad some of those suggestions sounds like things you want to try

It sounds like you know what you want and what would be best for you which is awesome - and sometimes even the hardest part. So if striving towards some summer plan that is out of your hometown is possible then that sounds great. If that is something you feeling pretty pessimistic about though we can talk about that more.
I am sorry about all the stuff going on with your parents and the negative vibes of your hometown and university in general. Is any of that stuff you want to talk about more? (Or if you want to anytime in the future we can always pick it up - I know you have an exam coming up haha).
Also if you want to check in after your exam about more self-care strategies for the next 10 days before thesis that is also something we could work on

Carmen wrote:Glad some of those suggestions sounds like things you want to try

It sounds like you know what you want and what would be best for you which is awesome - and sometimes even the hardest part. So if striving towards some summer plan that is out of your hometown is possible then that sounds great. If that is something you feeling pretty pessimistic about though we can talk about that more.
I am sorry about all the stuff going on with your parents and the negative vibes of your hometown and university in general. Is any of that stuff you want to talk about more? (Or if you want to anytime in the future we can always pick it up - I know you have an exam coming up haha).
Also if you want to check in after your exam about more self-care strategies for the next 10 days before thesis that is also something we could work on

actually, my computer is being weird right now and won't let me use the things I need until it updates, so I have time to type to you from my phone (and I'll probably be pulling an all-nighter for this thing-- yay! lol)

I guess my childhood is in this city (which is very much not fun) and it makes me feel trapped, and bad dating memories (lol I'm not even entertaining the idea of dating right now, considering I don't even know where I'm living/am overall not super-hopeful about that part of my life, which isn't a good mental/emotional place to be in to meet people tbh), disappointing people I've met live here, and I just don't need any reminders of those memories to be always there. like, don't get me wrong, it's a cool city that I'd like to visit in the future, but I just don't wanna live here much longer (especially considering I didn't even wanna go to college here but was kinda forced to apply more locally when I was in high school thanks to my parents).

but yeah, overall I'm feeling pessimistic about leaving my hometown and doing something that interests me. so, we could def talk about that more, too, since I'd like to not feel so pessimistic about it.

oh, also forgot to mention I need to turn in a near-complete version of my thesis by like.... tomorrow, so that's gonna be another all-nighter night, since I've been mainly focusing on my other 5 classes (though I'll make sure to take a nap beforehand lol).

Ah that is a lot that you have going on in your hometown. Regarding this summer, what are some things that you think think could help you feel not so pessimistic about the possibility of staying there? Are there any things you like about your hometown or aspects of it that get you excited or inspired? Or even just parts that feel comfortable or relaxing?
I have to head out for the day, but I am sure someone will check in with you tomorrow if I don't. And good luck with all that work!

Hi MusicNerd,

I'm thinking that a bit of perspective from the "I've-been-there"/"I've-seen-many-other-people-there" kind of place might be helpful to you right now, so I'm going to put in some thoughts, and as always, feel free to take what seems helpful and relevant and set aside anything that doesn't.

I think the first big thing is that it's really common to feel the kind of overwhelm, doubt and confusion that you're talking about here at this stage of a degree. It's a tough and demanding time, and the big unknowns of the future are a big deal. Everyone's different, but maybe it'd help you to think that the way you're feeling and your situation at the moment is okay and is a natural and expected part of the life stage you're at at the moment. Maybe you're finding this hard because it is hard, you know? It's kind of built-in hard.

Even the people who seem to have everything set and sorted are pretty much guaranteed to feel a big bump pretty soon. For some people, it only hits them at or after graduation itself, or a little while into the next stage of life after undergrad when their daily life is very different, their social group is different, their responsibilities are different. Too, not all of the great-sounding next steps and opportunities are going to be great: some of them just won't be good situations, some other people will have a hard time adjusting, and others will find that they're not actually suited to what they originally thought they were. How this all shakes out really can't be predicted in advance, and large parts of it are as much down to luck as a dice role. So, no matter what, you aren't going to be in some peculiar minority over the coming months and year.

Practical advice:
First priority: focus on doing what needs to be done in the here-and-now. Try not to get too overwhelmed or down about the uncertainty of the future. Yep, that uncertainty exists, and yep it's crap, but a) you will actually be able to manage and deal better when you no longer also have big pressure of finishing your degree - because there's So Much going on at the moment, it does feel worse than it will actually be; and b) finishing with degree stuff is a positive and very helpful step towards the future, so you're currently making a massive contribution to future-things at the moment anyway.

I think, to be helpful at all about the pessimism you're feeling, I'd need a better grasp about how much of it might be based in your own feelings and how much of it is based in any practical difficulties. Clearly, changing the way we're thinking about things isn't an appropriate answer to real-world barriers, while practical solutions don't help with self-belief problems!

wow, thanks so much for both of your replies, Carmen and Redskies!

Carmen wrote:Ah that is a lot that you have going on in your hometown. Regarding this summer, what are some things that you think think could help you feel not so pessimistic about the possibility of staying there? Are there any things you like about your hometown or aspects of it that get you excited or inspired? Or even just parts that feel comfortable or relaxing?
I have to head out for the day, but I am sure someone will check in with you tomorrow if I don't. And good luck with all that work!

honestly, there's not really too much i can find at the moment that makes me feel less-pessimistic about staying in my hometown. i'd really like to avoid staying at all costs, and for no more than like the summer after graduation. this place just has too many bad memories for me at the moment.

one plus i guess is that my city has cheap rent in some places, so i could use it as an opportunity to save up money over the summer (i'm pretty confident i could find a job around my university's campus). another thing is that some friends of mine will be here over the summer, so that'll be nice to see them around. but yeah, overall the bad seems to outweigh the good in terms of staying in my hometown.

Redskies wrote:Hi MusicNerd,

I'm thinking that a bit of perspective from the "I've-been-there"/"I've-seen-many-other-people-there" kind of place might be helpful to you right now, so I'm going to put in some thoughts, and as always, feel free to take what seems helpful and relevant and set aside anything that doesn't.

I think the first big thing is that it's really common to feel the kind of overwhelm, doubt and confusion that you're talking about here at this stage of a degree. It's a tough and demanding time, and the big unknowns of the future are a big deal. Everyone's different, but maybe it'd help you to think that the way you're feeling and your situation at the moment is okay and is a natural and expected part of the life stage you're at at the moment. Maybe you're finding this hard because it is hard, you know? It's kind of built-in hard.

Even the people who seem to have everything set and sorted are pretty much guaranteed to feel a big bump pretty soon. For some people, it only hits them at or after graduation itself, or a little while into the next stage of life after undergrad when their daily life is very different, their social group is different, their responsibilities are different. Too, not all of the great-sounding next steps and opportunities are going to be great: some of them just won't be good situations, some other people will have a hard time adjusting, and others will find that they're not actually suited to what they originally thought they were. How this all shakes out really can't be predicted in advance, and large parts of it are as much down to luck as a dice role. So, no matter what, you aren't going to be in some peculiar minority over the coming months and year.

yeah, you know, that's very true. i keep forgetting how sometimes things turn out differently than expected and things look different form the outside of people's lives. it's unfortunate that things can pan out negatively for folks, but it's also somewhat comforting to know that i'm not alone in feeling uncertain about the future.

i guess the moral of the story here is that: the unknown scares me. i wish it didn't, and i wish i could view it as being more filled with positive opportunities and whatnot, but it's hard for me to do that right now.

Redskies wrote:Practical advice:
First priority: focus on doing what needs to be done in the here-and-now. Try not to get too overwhelmed or down about the uncertainty of the future. Yep, that uncertainty exists, and yep it's crap, but a) you will actually be able to manage and deal better when you no longer also have big pressure of finishing your degree - because there's So Much going on at the moment, it does feel worse than it will actually be; and b) finishing with degree stuff is a positive and very helpful step towards the future, so you're currently making a massive contribution to future-things at the moment anyway.

well, most of my thesis is basically due tomorrow and i feel like i have to basically write out the entire thing overnight (even though, technically, i have bits of it written out already). so yay for another all-nighter! this time, i took a nap beforehand though. lol but yeah, you're right, i need to take things one thing at a time, starting with the most-pressing issues.

i guess it'll also help for me to remember that: in past years, every time i would worry about what i was doing for the summer, something would always work out right before the summertime. like, i would always fret about living at home with my parents for the summer, but every time, something would work out so that that wasn't necessary for me.

right now, i guess since i'm in the thick of everything like you mentioned, it feels like nothing will work out. but i guess if it's worked out every time 'til now, there's a likely chance it'll work out again. idk maybe i'll feel less-stressed once my thesis is done and whatnot? *sigh*

Redskies wrote:I think, to be helpful at all about the pessimism you're feeling, I'd need a better grasp about how much of it might be based in your own feelings and how much of it is based in any practical difficulties. Clearly, changing the way we're thinking about things isn't an appropriate answer to real-world barriers, while practical solutions don't help with self-belief problems!

i mean, i think quite a bit of it is based in my own feelings. like, yeah the goals i have are pretty slim for me considering being a non-citizen in some places is gonna make it harder to get an opportunity there. but i know that more impossible things have happened for people before, so it could potentially work out for me, so i think a lot of it is also my feelings around the job/internship search. like, some of my friends who've graduated told me how they found their jobs right before graduation, or during the summer after graduation, but it's hard for me to picture a scenario like that working out for me. i'm gonna be going to my university's career services tomorrow, so hopefully that will help somewhat.

i think, too, because i don't come from money (unlike most of the people who go to my university), and i also have an emotionally/psychologically-abusive household i'm trying to avoid going home to (as you already know very well), that adds to my stress quite a bit in terms of "i need to find something before graduation!!"-anxiety. like, i don't have the luxury to just do whatever without financial worry, or to chill at my parents' place for the summer, like many of my peers.

Hi MusicNerd,

Those are a lot of great responses and it sounds like you have a pretty good handle of what's going on. Based on your pattern of stressing out in the past but everything ending up working out, it does make sense that a lot of this fear or pessimism is based off your own feelings like you said. It is also great you are going to your university's career service, it's awesome to take advantage of those resources.
Looking at the here-and-now, is there any way we can help you get through today/your thesis?

Carmen wrote:Hi MusicNerd,

Those are a lot of great responses and it sounds like you have a pretty good handle of what's going on.

hey Carmen! thanks, i don't feel like i have a good handle on what's going on right now, but i appreciate your compliment. haha

Carmen wrote:Based on your pattern of stressing out in the past but everything ending up working out, it does make sense that a lot of this fear or pessimism is based off your own feelings like you said. It is also great you are going to your university's career service, it's awesome to take advantage of those resources.

thanks! the person i talked with last time was super encouraging and optimistic about my goals, so hopefully she'll help me be more level-headed about my future. lol

Carmen wrote:Looking at the here-and-now, is there any way we can help you get through today/your thesis?

umm.... send some good vibes my way? and maybe some caffeine, too?? haha

mm, idk, i think i need to just remind myself to go easy on myself, and not beat myself too much for putting so much of this thesis off to the last minute-- my mental health has really struggled this last year of university, and i had to take the heaviest courseload i've ever taken, all while breaking contact with my parents and working on my thesis and trying to find a job post-graduation and doing a million other things. so, i think i need to give myself more credit for how i'm doing despite all that on my plate, but it's really hard considering before university i used to be an excellent student and now (at least compared to the caliber of students who go to my ~prestigious~ (*sigh*) university) i'm kinda "meh" in comparison to everyone else.

It does sound like you really have a lot on your plate and you are right that you should give yourself credit and remind yourself to go easy on yourself
It is awesome the person you talked to at the career services went well last time and that sounds like it will be a great resource for you.
Comparing oneself to other's can sometimes feel so disheartening, but reminding yourself how much you are going through and the struggles you have had to face with mental health and your home situation is important to remind yourself how strong you are and how much you have accomplished.

Carmen wrote:It does sound like you really have a lot on your plate and you are right that you should give yourself credit and remind yourself to go easy on yourself

yeah, i guess until i typed it all out to you just now, i hadn't realized how much i'd been dealing with. thanks for taking the time to read my anxious ramblings lol

Carmen wrote:It is awesome the person you talked to at the career services went well last time and that sounds like it will be a great resource for you.
Comparing oneself to other's can sometimes feel so disheartening, but reminding yourself how much you are going through and the struggles you have had to face with mental health and your home situation is important to remind yourself how strong you are and how much you have accomplished.

yeah, i think she'll be helpful for me this time, too! and yeah, comparing sucks big time. i need to work on doing that less tbh. thanks, i really do need to keep reminding myself of all i've gotten through.

Glad you are feeling better! Glad to have been able to help