Scarleteen

Hello,
I'm a sophomore (16, cis male) in a big city high school in the San Francisco Bay Area (East Bay, Alameda County). I am an Autistic who would like romantic and sexual relations with a girl around my age, but I am anxious in crowds (as well as around nearly everyone who I don't know on a personal level, parties are NOT an option for that reason, as well as due to the fact that my parents are a bit strict), mobility impaired, unable to initiate and respond to flirting appropriately, and I have food aversions, thus making dating more difficult. I have considered online flirting, particularly Tinder, since it allows under 18s, but my parents are small town Jews and likely know it as a hook up app. In addition, my parents consider it highly unusual for a teenager to have ANY romantic or sexual relations, although they wouldn't be mad if I did. Even if that were true, hooking-up wouldn't be an option because my parents think that hook-ups are only for animals and that they are emotionally dangerous. I am so anxious, due to my previous disastrous flirting attempts that, in hindsight, were inappropriate and bordered on stalking, that up until now, I have not even had a crush since 8th grade. What should I do with regards to at least finding a first date? Should I try again in person or start using Tinder? Any perspectives from other nerdy Autistic teenagers (male or female) who have had successful romantic relations?

Hi Longman and welcome to Scarleteen!

I don't want to take up too much space here, as I'm allistic. In terms of dating, my recommendation would be to focus your energy on meeting people in person for now rather than on something like tinder. You mention being anxious in crowds or at parties, but what about situations that are smaller? Are there clubs or meet-ups that you attend or are interested in attending where you could meet people with come interests in common with you?

Thank you for your support, but I am already a student journalist and play clarinet and bassoon in two ensembles, all of which have a lot of people, joining any additional activities wouldn't fit my schedule. However, I have no idea who I want to be with, much less how to initiate or respond to flirting (which is why I was considering using an app.) Autism prevents me from sufficiently understanding the subtle cues that one sees in-person. What is your advice for asking people in person appropriately and respectfully? Any information on this topic from Autistic advocates?

It does sound like you have a lot on your plate One resource that you might find helpful is a site called Dr Nerdlove: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/

The site is not specific to folks with autism, but he focuses a lot on helping people who have trouble with social cues learn how to flirt or date without accidentally stepping over someone's boundaries, so there might be some information there that's helpful to you.

I've left a note in the space where the staff and volunteers coordinate to see if other folks have more autism specific resources they can recommend.

Hi longman! I too am allistic, so don't want to take up too much space here, but I wanted to let you know that my brother is on the autism spectrum and he has had several long-term romantic relationships. So it's absolutely possible! He of course also struggles with subtle aspects of social interaction so he's not great at flirting, but sometimes that's okay -- when you find someone who's a good fit for you, and who likes you for you, they won't be put off by an inability to flirt. Maybe they won't be good at flirting, either!

One thought I had was to maybe find some blogs/etc run by autistic people. I follow several on tumblr who aren't specifically about relationships, but have some good thoughts on autism and relationships, and are also actually open to someone sending anonymous questions -- you could do that asking for some advice! goldenheartedrose.tumblr.com is one autistic blogger who I know is married with children, so clearly they were able to date and have relationships! You can check out that blog and maybe even send them a question if you'd like.

There's another blog that gives advice on lots of everyday interactions, including relationships and dating, and (I can't remember off the top of my head) I think at least one or two of the moderators are actually autistic themselves -- the blog is realsocialskills.tumblr.com

I hope those ideas help you get a good start!