Having trouble with past trauma and discussing it

[PrincessLuLu]

I am an American female college student in her early 20's, and a year and 4 months ago (New Year's Eve), I experienced a sexual assault. Physically nothing was or is wrong, but emotionally/psychologically it has been very difficult. When it first happened, the only two people I told were a family friend (she was at the party where it happened and she made me let her in the bathroom and tell her what was wrong) and one close friend of mine. I am now in a long term monogamous relationship with my boyfriend Nate* (name changed for privacy), and we've been together for a year and two months. All in all, our relationship is pretty good (we are both happy, get along well and generally good with communicating). I have not told him about this at all (all I told him was that my New Year's sucked when it came up in conversation). The other night I went out drinking with another good friend of mine Ryan*(Name also changed) and after we left the bars we were talking, catching up since we hadn't seen each other in a while. Anyways, when we were talking it came up in conversation (don't really remember exactly how but not the point) and I told Ryan everything. He was very supportive and encouraging. I mentioned I never actually told Nate about it, and for some reason I felt bad I didn't. He said it was my decision but I should if it was what I wanted to do. I want to tell Nate about this, partly because telling someone and not hiding it has helped me a lot, and also because for some reason I feel like he would want to know. For a very long time, I blamed myself for what happened to me (I was very drunk, talked to people I didn't know, wore leggings, and I kissed the person who assaulted me). I know many people especially nowadays stress that it is never the victim's fault, but for some reason I still did. I already have a history of panic disorder (I am anxious all the time and get panic attacks frequently), and this didn't help. I also did not want to talk about it because it was too hard. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me or look at me and think of me only because of what this person did to me. The first person I told, who I'll call Lynn*, while she was supportive, she reacted like any other person would: sad and worried. I know that's a normal reaction, but for some reason it freaked me out. I cannot explain exactly why but I feel compelled to tell Nate. I do not have any reason to believe he would be upset with me, as I know I did nothing wrong, but the fact it is such a difficult thing for someone to hear makes me scared to. I have found it is gradually getting easier to acknowledge everything, but it is still very tough. Do you have any advice on how to approach the subject with Nate, or anyone else in the future? Is there anything I should know or do going forward?

[Sam W]

Hi Princess Lulu,

A first big step would be to figure out ahead of time how much of the detail or context for the assault you want to give Nate. Some people feel most comfortable starting out with a simpler statement like "I want to let you know about something: I was assaulted a few years ago." while other people want to tell the whole story at once. Another recommendation is to think about what you want from Nate as a result of you telling him. Are you looking for support? Wanting to have this out in the open and don't need him to do anything concrete? It will be less stressful for both of you if you're able to articulate if there's anything he needs to do now that he knows.

Lastly, I would encourage you to plan some self-care for after you tell him. Opening up about an assault can be so hard, and takes a lot of strength, so you deserve a chance to be kind to yourself after doing so.

[PrincessLuLu]

I do not feel like I need or expect him to do anything. What I want is to just have out in the open because it feels like I'm keeping a secret from him which I do not feel good about. I just know this can be hard for someone to hear when it's someone they care about. Thank you for the support

[Stephanie]

PrincessLuLu: Please know, if you need or want some help with sorting your thoughts on what you want to say or how to go about talking, we would be glad to have that conversation with you. We're also here for after if you feel you need or want to talk about how talking went or if you just need some extra support. And just know too, you may plan out how you want the conversation to start, but if you find it starting another way - that's okay too. You may think you wanted to tell him everything and then find you need a break from talking to do some self-care, or you may not plan to tell him everything and find you do. Follow how you're feeling at any time, because it will help guide you through your needs.