Scarleteen

Years ago, 3 boys took me behind their camper and told me to pull my pants down. I ran, they pushed me to the ground, covered my mouth and held me down. A little bit older guy came, pulled my pants down and penetrated me with his fingers while the others were touching my breasts. It seemed so long till they punched me out. I later awoke there with my pants and panties off next to me. There was a little blood down my legs. I felt numb, not knowing what 'just happened' so I didn't say anything for awhile because I didn't want to be blamed or shame of others knowing. To clear my virginity I tell myself that it was just boys wrestling a girl but if was rape I need to know. They left to wherever and never saw them again. I don't know their names but I do know their faces. I know I'm a virgin by choice but in the back of my mind not sure by fact. It haunts me not knowing what they did to me while I was passed out. Is there any way of knowing?

Hi Mitzy1985, welcome to Scarleteen. I'm really sorry this happened to you. Please know that we are here to help and support you in any way that we can. With something like this, there's really not a way to know what happened when you were passed out. I see you're struggling with the question of virginity, so I wanted to touch on something pertaining to that. Virginity is really more of a social concept than anything. What virginity means largely depends on what any given person believes (for instance what type of sex constitutes virginity or losing virginity? For some people it's intercourse, for others it's any type of sex). What I can assure you of is that nothing that happened that night was sex. Sex is a conscious choice, something we decide to do - not something that is done to us. So when talking with partners, and yourself, you can tell them if you want to have that conversation that you have not had sex. Whether you choose to tell anyone - whether someone in a relationship with you or friends and family - what happened, that's your decision, but know that you don't have to. I'd like to also ask a question to you, is there anything we can do to support you with any of this? We're here for anything we can help you with.