Dear Lovelife WHERE ARE YOU?

[DulceDiva]

Dear, Lovelife

Where are you ?

I am at the age where I should start flirting & going out on dates.
And here I am having done none of these things.
While it is not the end -all & be-all , I would like to experience these things in the near future.
I have love in my life it is a different type it is a love of family & friends.
I am aware that plenty of people have these experiences later in life.
If I have these experiences tomorrow or in five years I'll be ok .

Sincerely-slightly annoyed teenage girl

[Heather]

You know, there really is not an age for any of this.

But it sounds like it is something you want to pursue, and like any kind of interaction or relationship, it is not a thing that shows up or does not. Rather, it is about actions a person takes to pursue what they want to.

So, would you like to be dating? If so, do you feel ready to take action in pursuit of that? If you do, but feel like you cannot, what do you think those felt barriers are about?

[DulceDiva]

I feel I'm ready to date mentally. As far as barriers I think that sometimes people dismiss my sexuality, ( people think I'm algae) . My friend Brad called me a nun. I told him not to call me that because , I would like to have sex sometime in the future. I dress like I'm from the 21ST century & I take baths so that's not a problem. I am involved in Choir ( events haven't started yet)& have confounded a yoga club at my school ( meetings haven't begun yet). I do have many acquaintances( I know their name) & few friends( deep talks). I'm nice to everyone I meet. I'm not conventionally interesting in high school terms. There for I'm a rarity & should be more desired.I don't listen to rap , like american football , cheer nor do I imbibe ridiculous amounts of alcohol or indulge in illegal substances.

[Keda]

Your post seems focussed on things that might stop other people from exploring romance with you; but I think Heather's question was really about what stops you from exploring romance with other people?

[DulceDiva]

I don't know really. I need to brush up on flirting which one of my friends who is an expert flirt is helping me. I think a place where it's pre- screened to meet people who are similar to me would be helpful. I am academically accomplished & I like sarcasm. If I met a person who I was sexually & mentally attracted to them & they felt the same for me & we can meet each other's needs than I would date them.

[DulceDiva]

More replies are WELCOME , please HELP ME

[marianthe]

My two cents- it sounds like you are doing a great job of creating opportunities within your high school to meet and interact with fellow like-minded people, and continuing to pursue those is a good way to see if there are folks around you that are "pre-screened" as you described, who you might click with in a romantic way. Since it sounds like school has just gotten under way, certainly give it time and patience, and you never know who or what might develop.

But also, for a lot of people, high school just isn't brimming with interesting like-minded people that you might find the sort of connection it sounds like you are looking for. Because it sounds like maybe the problem isn't so much how other people regard you, but that you aren't really that interested in the people around you. Sometimes high school and teenager-dom just isn't the most fruitful time of life as far as dating and romance, despite what all those teen movies would have us believe, and ya just gotta be patient You could also try seeking out other groups and activities in your area for teens or young adults that are based around your interests, if maybe your high school scene just isn't for you.

[zeitvogel]

I also have two cents

I think you might be putting things in the wrong order, when you say that you would date people if you found people you were compatible with. (I'm thinking specifically of your sentence "If I met a person who I was sexually & mentally attracted to them & they felt the same for me & we can meet each other's needs than I would date them"). What if you turn that around, and see dating as your opportunity to find out all those things about a person? Because, for most of them, you do need to spend time with the person and get to know them in order to find out if you're compatible -- and that's a date.

This does mean that you'll often find yourself dating a person (maybe a couple of times) and then think "nope, this isn't working". Or, more painfully, maybe the other person thinks "nope, this isn't working". But that's okay. It's part of the process of finding someone you do click with. It's definitely one of the hard parts of dating, though. How do you feel about this risk?

[DulceDiva]

I understand that dates can sometimes be surprising & you may get along differently than you thought. But people don't go out on dates with someone who the aren't interested in the least. When I said date them I meant a relationship , I understand a date is a outing people who are sexually/romantically interested in go on to know more about each other.

[Heather]

I still don't feel like I got the information I was looking for from you, which is what you, yourself, are actively doing to pursue dating and romantic relationships. For instance, is there anyone you're currently interested in? If so, have you made efforts to start to get to know them better, maybe invited them to hang out with or do something together with you?

I got a lot per an answer back about how rare and awesome you are. It's great to have such positive self-esteem: yay for you! But really, we can be as awesome as we wanna be and the pursuit of dates or relationships, of any kind, is still a thing people have to actively do. Just being awesome doesn't mean that this stuff will land in your lap: relationships are active things where everyone in them, or who wants them, needs to be actively involved.

If that list of how awesome you are was, by chance, your way of saying you feel you are entitled to a great relationship, know that everyone is entitled to that. This isn't something people have to earn in this way. Rather, again, this is about people actively seeking out the kinds of interactuions and relationships they want, and then being a real part of them. Make sense?

[DulceDiva]

I mentioned that I'm in extracurriculars so I have opportunities to meet people. That's actively pursing by increasing my dating pool. As far as approaching people I'm interested in the last two times I was interested & it didn't work out so well. There's a kid in one of my classes who started talking to me on friday I think he's cute. I'm going to see if I can eat lunch with him or sit next to him in class.

[Mo]

That sounds like a good step!
Dating is all about finding and exploring connections with people, so I think the way to kickstart that is, as Heather, said, getting to know interesting people and chatting with them to see if there's a connection there. From what you said earlier it sounds like you have some good activities starting up with school, so that could help you meet more interesting people.

There is something to be said for developing your own flirting signals, so it might be easier for folks you're interested in to get the message that your interest tends more towards romantic/dating feelings than platonic/friendship ones, but in all honesty I think showing interest and being friendly to people will get the message across pretty well. And if it doesn't, saying "would you like to go on a date with me" will clear things up! I mostly say that because if you feel like your friend's flirting style doesn't mesh with what feels comfortable to you, it's not the end of the world. Different people flirt in pretty different ways and you might wind up developing your own ways of doing that over time.

[DulceDiva]

I'm horrible at eye contact lol , That is a major flirt technique that I'm missing out on. You are right I do need some flirting techniques.

[DulceDiva]

Please feel free to reply

[Heather]

It's hard to know what to add here.

Can I suggest that you simply try interacting with people the way...well, the way you interact with people in any other context where you think you'd like to get to know them better?

You say you have friends: what did you do to pursue and build those relationships? Whatever that was, you're looking at very similar stuff when we're talking about romantic relationships. It's just not that different.

That includes, btw, there needing to be room for people being the people they are. If you are someone very uncomfortable with making direct eye contact, for instance, it's not going to work out very well for you to try and get close to someone who really needs that, rather than to folks who either get that themselves, or can rely on other ways you communicate with them.

See where I'm going here?

[DulceDiva]

I ate lunch with a kid in one of my classes today . I understand what you're saying about allowing people to be who they are.

[DulceDiva]

He has a girlfriend. Which sucks but oh well. We can be friends.

[DulceDiva]

RElPIES ARE STILL OPEN

[Heather]

Hey, Dulce: all threads remain open unless we intentionally close them (which we don't do often), so folks know threads are still open. Usually if no one has added to a conversation it's because they aren't sure what to say or don't feel they have anything to add, or it feels like the conversation is just done already.

So, if you want to talk more, best bet is to add something new you want to talk about and ask for input. Like, given your last post, maybe you want to talk about how to deal with parts of dating that are just a given, like people we are interested in often being unavailable, or the timing just being off some other way? Maybe not, but that's just as example of a way to keep a conversation going that works better than just bumping a thread.

[DulceDiva]

Why are you single? I don't know. You're too picky , too independent , have a horrible fashion sense , you won't put out, you don't love yourself . Why do you think you're single & what do you say to people who tell you one of the statements listed above.

[Heather]

I'm a bit confused: who are you talking to? Who is the "you" here?

Also, do I hear you assuming that the only reason someone must be single is that something is wrong with them? If so, know that's busted in a big way, period. For once, plenty of people WANT to be single at certain times in their lives, some even for always. Too, entering into a romantic relationship is a lot like entering into friendships: sometimes someone doesn't have a close friendship because of common, simple things like timing.

Also, *are* people saying those things to you? If so, who are these people? What I'd likely tell anyone saying those kinds of things to me unsolicited is "See you later, going to go find someone to hang out with who doesn't think putting me down ins something I enjoy or want."

[DulceDiva]

I don't assume that myself but these are things people are told. Unless you're really mean & don't take showers there's probably nothing wrong with you. While some people are picky (only dating millionaires) . People are single for a variety of reasons. You're most likely single because you just haven't met that person yet. I've felt insecure about being inexperienced because I'm at the age where people normally start gaining experience & I have zilch. I've been interested in others & others in me but never mutually. All of my homegirls have some experience so when they talk about their relationships I may feel left out. It causes you to think what's wrong with me? You wonder if you're ugly or not funny or not whatever enough. Old people compliment you saying you're pretty but you think I'm not if they don't like me.You think they lie to make you feel good. It's ok to feel that way sometimes, it's normal.