Too Boring for a Long Term Relationship

[kdtx]

I keep hearing stories of couples breaking up/divorcing or one of the partners cheating (yes, even Christians) because the other is too boring...as in they're not into being tied up, slapped around, peed on, etc. I'm worried I'll never find anyone. I'm not completely against anything that isn't missionary in the dark, but I'm not a sub either. Is there hope for me?

[Mo]

Hi there, kdtx.

I'd say there's hope for you for sure! I'm not sure where these stories are coming from, but I wouldn't say they're representative of why most breakups or divorces happen. People decide to end relationships for all sorts of reasons, and sexual incompatibility can be a factor, but I don't think that not being submissive or being interested in the scenarios you mention is going to be a significant issue for many people. Most folks, even those in the best and happiest relationships, aren't going to have the exact same desires and preferences; the key is to find the places where your desires do overlap.

When people are talking about kink or specific sexual preferences, I think there's sometimes a false dichotomy that comes up suggesting that certain types of sex are "boring" or pedestrian ("vanilla" as a term has that connotation for many people, for sure) and others are sexier or more "exciting." And that's just not true, in a universal and objective sense. Things that are exciting or intriguing for one person will be boring, uninteresting, or outright repulsive to another; there's no true hierarchy of sex acts or dynamics. (I'm sure there are people who would find being slapped kind of painful but otherwise completely dull!) So, even if none of the things you mention in your post appeal to you, that doesn't make you boring at all.

[sighsighsigh]

Hi ktdx,

I'm no expert, but I wanted to leave a little nugget of experience here in case it makes you feel better.

I've always secretly dealt with the fear that I'm "boring": a goody-goody, too serious, not fun enough, not daring, not brave. I was convinced that I was SO DULL that nobody would ever fall for me.

~Many failed OKCupid conversations later~

I fell in love with a cute, silly, witty Canadian. I dealt with insecurities every step of the way, but he was the right person. Where I saw myself as un-fun and boring, he thought (thinks!) I'm fun, sarcastic, interesting, and daring.

I'm also definitely what you'd call "vanilla" in bed, but with the right person, it doesn't matter. You spend time gaining trust with each other, experiment little by little, and just... find your groove and try to make each other feel good.

TL;DR
The media paints a lot of pictures that simply aren't true. As the previous poster said, there are many reasons couples don't work out. But with the right person -- someone truly caring and understanding -- you'll never worry about being "too boring."

[kdtx]

Hi ktdx,

I'm no expert, but I wanted to leave a little nugget of experience here in case it makes you feel better.

I've always secretly dealt with the fear that I'm "boring": a goody-goody, too serious, not fun enough, not daring, not brave. I was convinced that I was SO DULL that nobody would ever fall for me.

~Many failed OKCupid conversations later~

I fell in love with a cute, silly, witty Canadian. I dealt with insecurities every step of the way, but he was the right person. Where I saw myself as un-fun and boring, he thought (thinks!) I'm fun, sarcastic, interesting, and daring.

I'm also definitely what you'd call "vanilla" in bed, but with the right person, it doesn't matter. You spend time gaining trust with each other, experiment little by little, and just... find your groove and try to make each other feel good.

TL;DR
The media paints a lot of pictures that simply aren't true. As the previous poster said, there are many reasons couples don't work out. But with the right person -- someone truly caring and understanding -- you'll never worry about being "too boring."

This was really encouraging! Thanks so much!

[Heather]

Just to also be clear, the minds of sexual activity you're talking about here in the initial post you made is actually pretty uncommon. There's nothing wrong with it when it's what people enjoy and want, but the idea that it's a) very common (it's not, still very unusual), and b) it's the kind of stuff people are not staying in relationships in because it isn't happening (again, nope, not sure where you saw that), doesn't square with reality and what we know ARE common reasons people in long-term sexual and/or romantic relationships, including marriages, split.