Scarleteen

Hello again Scarleteen,

I have been going through some stuff, so I thought I would post on here and see if I can't get some advice or perspective. I am going to post a couple of paragraphs of background, but you can skip over that to the paragraph containing my issue if you would like. I just wanted to leave it all here in case it helped you understand my problem a little better.

Background (trauma): When I was in middle school, I somehow got sucked into porn. It involved an online community, and sometimes the members in the community would post images or invitations to (sext? chat online in a sexual manner?). I got sucked into it out of curiosity I suppose, and quickly started looking at more and more graphic and violent porn. Looking back on it, it was all very masculine-fantasy driven, and usually played absolutely no part in the woman's pleasure. Also, I always looked at cartoon porn, not sure if that matters though. After getting into that I started having anxiety and panic attacks, and eventually my mom found my obsession and pulled the plug on my computer for a long time. I found myself afraid of men and afraid that I would never ever want to have sex, because it never looked fun for the women. I didn't masturbate to the porn that I watched, because I didn't know how and it never occurred to me. I guess I was excited some how, but I didn't know it back then. I also didn't know why I kept wanting to look at it, but I did. It took me a about a year to stop wanting to compulsively look at porn, and even longer to get over my anxiety issues. Anxiety always came immediately after a porn-viewing session, and then it would be triggered randomly. Sometimes I was triggered into an anxiety attack by sexual themes (i.e. sexual references in movies), and sometimes it seemed to be completely unrelated to sex (i.e. going to see a movie in a movie theater that I didn't know much about). By the time I hit high school, I had a pretty good handle on things- I stopped having anxiety attacks, and when I felt anxious I knew how to handle my feelings until it went away. I stopped obsessing over porn. I learned how to masturbate, and turned to more sex-positive forms of fantasy (mostly erotic novels that focused on the woman's pleasure), and eventually eased back into porn that also seemed to focus more on the woman's pleasure. (To be fair, I haven't found anything I would call 100% sex positive porn, it all seems pretty male-focused to me. But there are those that focus on the woman and her pleasure, even if it is from the point of view of a man, and that kind doesn't trigger me). I started finding sex-positive education, like Scarleteen, and learned about sexism, feminism, body policing, pleasure policing, and all those societal things that may have influenced me and the feelings/decisions that I made when I was younger. I also learned to embrace my sexuality.

Background (sexual activity): I am 22 years old, and I have been sexually active for about 2.5 years with my current boyfriend. I have been masturbating since I was 17, usually to fantasies, erotic novels, or porn. The only partnered sexual activities that I have experienced have been with my current boyfriend. We mostly have manual and oral sex. We have not had penis-in-vagina sex as of yet, because I was trying to find a method of birth control that I like. I also feel a little bit of anxiety about that, and I think it may have to be with myself somewhat concerned with the idea of "virginity" (even though I know it is a false construct), and I am also not sure if my anxiety stems from my past trauma. In the past, I have liked to have sexy-time with my boyfriend between 3-6 times a week, and would masturbate on days where we didn't have sexy time (and sometimes even when we do). I have had little bits of anxiety here and there during the sexual exploration times of our relationship (when we were trying new things), but we always took it slow and we went at my pace. I feel very safe with my current partner, and am very comfortable with sharing my sexuality with him.

Problem: For the last couple of months, I feel like I have lost all desire to have sexy time with my boyfriend. I still masturbate on occasion, but it is far less than I used to (maybe once a week). Every time he initiates sexy time, I feel so indifferent. I've gone alone with it, thinking that if I could get over my head and just enjoy the pleasurable company, it would go away. My body always feels good, and satisfied afterwords, but I can't seem to get out of my head. I still just don't feel like doing it ever, and sometimes I feel pretty anxious about it. I also really /want/ to be sexual, I love having sexy time with my boyfriend. I miss the intimacy, and I feel like we have kind of lost some of that intimacy since I've lost my libido. My boyfriend has been really sweet about it. We talked about it last night, and he seems to be giving me some space- going to the restroom whenever he needs to take care of himself. But I just feel pretty crummy about the whole thing.

I'm not really sure what has caused this sudden loss of libido. Here are my theories:
-I am stressed about other aspects of life, and that stress is spilling over to my sex drive.
-I am not taking as great care of my body as I used to. I've gained weight and stopped working out, and sometimes I feel kind of "gross" (not like fat or anything, just my body feels uncomfortable) outside of a sexual context
-I was somehow triggered by something, causing me to have some of the same feelings of anxiety when it comes to sexy time. Maybe something I watched or read bothered me, and I just haven't really pinpointed what it was?
-Maybe my new birth control pill is messing with me. I started it about 6-7 weeks ago, and I have had some mood swings since then.

What do you guys think? How can I pinpoint where this loss of sexual appetite is coming from? What can I do to help improve it? What do I do in the mean time when sex feels kind of lousy, but I still really want physical intimacy?

Thank you!

Hey Kabith. Sorry to hear you're having a bit of a rough time right now. A change in libido, particularly if your sexual desire is generally fairly high, can be tough to deal with and pretty disappointing. Like so many other things to do with sexuality though, it's one of those things that does tend to go through ups and downs, so what you're experiencing is not at all unusual, for what it's worth, and it's very unlikely that this is a permanent thing.

One thing I'd suggest, and it sounds like you've talked to your partner about this already, is to nix sex of any kind when you're not feeling it. Doing a "fake it 'til you make it" kind of deal might work sometimes for some things, but not so much with sex. I know that can be hard when you really want to want it, but forcing yourself to be sexual even when you aren't into it isn't going to solve anything here, and is likely to just make you feel even crummier in the long run.

As far as physical intimacy goes, sex is totally not the be-all and end-all of that, there are plenty of physical ways to be intimate with someone that are not sexual. For instance, if kissing is still something you're interested in, that's a great way to be intimate (and who doesn't like a nice make-out session?). Taking a bath or shower together, or just sitting on the couch and snuggling can also be really good ways to get that physical connection. Sometimes just doing something physical together - some form of exercise, say - even if you're not touching each other, can be a really intimate thing, and as a bonus, any kind of physical activity is a major mood booster. If you haven't had a look at it already, there are some good suggestions in this piece as well: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

Looking at your list of possible reasons for a drop in libido, all of those things can absolutely play a role. It can be hard to pinpoint sometimes, and sometimes libido drops for no real reason at all, but a lot of what's on your list are things you can adjust. Even if it doesn't result in your sex drive bouncing back right away, doing what you can to reduce your stress levels, and maybe getting back into an exercise routine you feel good about, will definitely not hurt at all. You might want to talk to your doctor, too, about whether or not your birth control could be playing a part in this, and if so, what the possible solutions to that are.

One other thing (and this is just a suggestion): if it's not something you've done already, see if you can connect with a counsellor or therapist - even for a couple of sessions - to talk about your experiences with compulsive porn viewing. It may or may not be that that's the issue right now, and it's not a quick fix, but it wouldn't hurt, and it can be useful to sit down with someone and figure out what your triggers might be and how to manage those.

Hello Karyn,

Thank you for your reply! I will definitely look into that article. I believe I have read it before, but it is probably even more relevant to me now, so it would be good to go back and refresh

Are there ways to make this easier on my partner as well? I think, after talking with him, he almost feels bad about having desire for me, or wanting to express his sexuality around me. Sometimes I feel guilty and sad when he does express himself, because of all of the reasons I mentioned before (me wanting to want it, me wanting to be intimate, me wanting to reciprocate his expressions of love and desire, but not being able to). He has been noticing this, especially since I've told him, so he has backed off a lot (meaning, when the desire hits him, he's been excusing himself to masturbate instead of trying to initiate things with me). But that doesn't really make me feel better either, and he also seems to get sad from time to time- like he has to hide it. I'm not sure if there is any advice you can give me as to how we can manage those feelings while we take a step back from sexy time for awhile. Basically: are there tools we can try so he can still express his sexuality and intimacy without making either of us feel bad? XD

I am not sure about therapy right now, but that may be a thing that I look into in the future. I am experiencing a lot of transitions at the moment.I always figured that I would go if something did trigger me and I wasn't able to manage, but I feel like I've always been able to manage myself. But, if it is contributing to what I have been feeling lately, you may be right about needing to talk it out. What kind of therapist/counselor would be best for that kind of issue? Would I want to talk to a sex therapist, since my experience evolved around my early sexuality?

Hi, kabith.

With your relationship with your partner, I think two basic things are likely to help: recognising that each of you is your own sexual self completely independent of the other and of your relationship, and communication.

Navigating a situation like this tends to be quite tricky. When both people genuinely care about each other, it's fairly easy to set off a guilt spiral with each of you feeling guilty about having wants that don't match the other person's. Obviously, that's not good for either of you as individuals or for the relationship. I think it helps to be very explicit, in communication and in your own heads, that the feelings and wants you each have are nothing to feel guilty about. You each get to have your feelings: no-one's doing anything wrong if those feelings don't match up with the other person's, even if we really wish they did. So, each of you has the right to your own feelings and to the way those feelings make you feel (eg, if you feel sad about not wanting sex). You're both separate sexual beings, so you not desiring sex at the moment is not about him personally, and him desiring sex is not about you personally (because no-one owes someone else sex - I don't mean that he doesn't specifically desire you.). Neither of you is responsible for either causing or fixing the other's feelings. If you can both find a space where you each truly know that expressing how you feel doesn't contain any expectation, any admonishment, any guilt-trip, then it's easier to hear and see the other person's feelings, without doing a personal guilt-trip on one's self, and it's a lot easier to express and to have feelings, because you're a lot less afraid that the other person might be upset or read any expectation or criticism in it.

That's not a magic answer that makes everything fine, but it helps. Guilt will tend to keep people sitting in their corners not really sharing half of the things that would be useful, and one of the biggest things that helps in a situation like this is communication. So, anything that reduces guilt is good! It's ok, too, if either or both of you feels sad or disappointed about the other's feelings: again, they're feelings that people get to have, and the other person is still not responsible for fixing them. Too, feeling sad or disappointed isn't the same as feeling that At someone, or any kind of blame, and it might help you both to recognise that very openly.

If you're not feeling good with how things currently go when he feels desire, how might it go differently? Are there ways he might communicate or share it with you that you would feel good about - for example, telling you verbally that he desires you, or a sensual non-sexual massage, or .. ? This is somewhere where communication - and a reasonable comfort level for both of you in really being honest and open - will be important, because he'll have his own needs and things he just can't make work, too, so the trick will be to find something you both feel good about.

Hello Redskies,

So, you are saying that it is ok for me to not want sexual contract when he does, and if he feels sad or disappointed about me feeling that way, we can find a way to be open about both of those feelings, and acknowledge that it is just a situation, and that we do not have to feel guilt about it either way? That way I don't have to hide my disinterest, and he doesn't feel like he has to hide his feelings in order to protect my feelings? I guess I never thought that we could just decide that was ok, but I like it. It might take some practice, because we both care so much about each other that whenever the other person is feeling down we want to do something to help, but I like the idea that we can be OK with not being 100% OK.

I will talk to him about how he can still express his interest in me and not make either of us feel bad about it. I do like it when he pursues me, just like he likes it when I pursue him. It's just that I am not always up for it. So maybe we could find a way for him to ask, or if asking isn't as fun, a specific non-verbal cue that isn't right off the bat sexual, that gives me the opportunity to feel desired and loved but also the opportunity to say "not right now" without making either of us feel bad? That would be good in the future anyway, in case he ever goes through a little libido dry-spell in the future, and I could use the same cue for him.

Thank you again Scarleteen for helping me out. I've been using this website since I was 17 (and I turned 22 today!) Whenever I think I have stuff figured out, and I don't, you are always here to lend a fresh perspective on things and give me new tools to keep things good. I really appreciate it

Just a driveby....
Happy birthday, Kabith! We've always been glad to have you in our community!

Thanks Heather, it has always been a pleasure

(Also, if you could remind me where to apply for an internship/volunteer position, that would be awesome! I can't find the post with your instructions now that the forums have moved, and I am interested in volunteering after my transition to a new job.)

Kabith,

yes, that was what I was trying to say! Reading back, I was less clear than I wanted to be, so I'm glad you could grasp what I meant

I think it does take some practice, and I think it's a thing that we go on practising and working on no matter how long the relationship has been going. Your ideas sound like a really good starting place for opening the discussion and finding ways of negotiating things so you both feel more positive and like you're together, on the same team, managing a challenge together.

You're so welcome!

The page about volunteer applications is linked off the front page of the site; here's a direct link to it for you: http://www.scarleteen.com/scarleteen_vo ... pplication