Anxiety Issues

[Sam W]

Hi girl123,

You mentioned having anxiety/OCD. When you see your counselor, what kind of things do they recommend for dealing with those moments? Because those strategies can help you right now.

[girl123]

Hi,

I am not going to ask a question about pregnancy risks. This is about my anxiety. In late December last year, I had an incident with a guy at a party who was very pushy and wanted to force me into sex, somehow. Thankfully, nothing happened since I was very sober and I had some friends with me. However, since that incident, I have been terrified about the prospect of being pregnant (I did not have a pregnancy risk during this incident; far from it, actually).
After this incident, I began to be terrified of everything; things that make absolutely no sense. I was afraid once of lending my shower gel to a friend (whose sperm I was afraid would somehow end up in the bottle and get me pregnant). I know this is totally and completely irrational.
Around one month ago, I met a really nice guy whom I have been going out with. He is also my first boyfriend, even though I'm 21. We have engaged in activities such as dry humping, manual sex, etc, but all and only activities which pose no pregnancy risks.
However, I can never fully enjoy my time with him because I'm always terrified of being/becoming pregnant in some weird way. Recently, I've been stressing about the possibility of sperm getting into my vagina after peeing and wiping myself, shortly after giving him a handjob and forgetting to wash my hands (however, no semen landed on my hands except for a very small spot on my thumb, which I am pretty sure dried up/got moved around as I was wearing my jeans and shirt before going into the bathroom).
Anyway, the point is about my anxiety. I really don't feel okay. I feel like I can never have a close relationship, even if it's with someone who is really sweet and genuine and whom I feel very comfortable with. I can't live like this anymore. I can barely concentrate, and I'm pretty sure I failed my final exam project.
I don't go out anymore, I have spent a month stressing over different things (all related to pregnancy), I don't talk to my friends anymore, and I am making my mom miserable when I talk to her.
I think I will break up with my boyfriend simply because I can't live like this anymore, every time with a different scenario that becomes a pregnancy prospect in my mind.
Also, I think I'll buy EC tomorrow and shut my mind once and for all (something happened today that gave me anxiety. Still, no logical pregnancy risk, I believe).
My quality of life is really deteriorating. I am always really anxious and I don't care about my responsibilities anymore. Panic attacks are frequent, followed by depressive episodes.
I just wanted to let this all out. Thanks for any help or advice.

[Sam W]

Hi Girl123,

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, and for the incident at the party. The truth is, sometimes an incident like that can really shake you up in ways you're not expecting. Too, if you had any pre-existing or underlying anxiety or depression, that kind of event can make those worse.

Let's start with the therapist or counselor: if you're seeing one, what have they suggested you do to manage your fears (for instance, there are tools you can use during a panic attack to minimize how it affects you)? If not, what are some barriers to you getting that help.

Next, let's talk a little about self-care. In those moments when you feel really anxious or sad, self-care can help bring you out of it. There are a bunch of suggestions for what to do here: Self-Care a La Carte . One thing you could try in the next few days is scheduling a meet up with a friend. Nothing big or high stakes, but something to get you out and around people who care about you and whose company you enjoy.

Finally, this article might be of some use to you. When anything remotely sexual (or even physical) is off the table, it can feel like you don't have any ways to be intimate with people. This article offers ways around that feeling: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

[girl123]

My counselor works with mindfulness-based therapy, so she gave me some meditation exercises to do. She also told me to bring my awareness back to my breath and my body for 5 minutes every hour. I was having sessions with her through Skype, but I stopped almost two weeks ago. She actually suggested I see another therapist, in-person, since I was not getting better with her.

I really don't think mindfulness is what I need, although I'm not sure what it is I do need. I think I need to learn how to beat the fear cycle and thought pattern, somehow.

I would like to ask for your advice on something, knowing that I had no pregnancy risk (I'm worried because I didn't wash my hands after giving a handjob, after which, 3-4 minutes later, I went to pee and wipe myself with the same hand. I am pretty sure my hand was dry when I went to the toilet, as I would have definitely felt/seen something wet and/or sticky otherwise).

I would like to get EC, as I think this could ease my suffering, hopefully. However, I know EC has its own side-effects such as a delayed period, spotting, a lighter or heavier period, nausea, etc. As such, I don't know what would be better for my anxiety, taking EC or not taking it.

I was wondering if you could offer me some advice on that? Thanks in advance.

[Sam W]

Hi Girl123,

Thanks for elaborating! How has the search for a new therapist been going? I'd suggest looking for people who specialize in (or have a lot of experience with) anxiety/OCD.

With the EC, that choice is ultimately up to what you think will make your brain feel better (you could make a pro and con list if you think that might help). However, one thing to think about is that by getting EC for something you know poses no risk, you're reinforcing the anxiety loop in your brain by treating it's fears as valid. Your choice might also depend on how much your fears seem to focus on minute changes in your body as signs that something is wrong. Like you said, EC can have side effects that might give your brain a new thing to worry about.

[girl123]

Hi Sam,

Thanks again for your quick response. I bought EC, but finally decided not to take it, coz I figured you're right about reinforcing the anxiety loop (thanks for the insight!)

I need to let something off my chest. I recently had a revelation about something behind these pregnancy fears that has been bothering me. Honestly, I am really really pissed at our patriarchal world.

Yesterday, my boyfriend used his finger to rub my clitoris and down towards my vaginal entrance. I'm pretty sure he didn't go inside my vaginal canal, coz I think I would have definitely felt that had it happened, (right?). Anyway, I am completely sure there was no semen on his finger, but there might have been a trace of pre-ejaculate. However, I know this is not a pregnancy risk because pre-ejaculate isn't enough to pose a risk with indirect transfer, and it would take a lot of perfectly fresh ejaculate to do so.

I am not doubtful of the information you provide here at Scarleteen. However, I had an online chat with someone at a rather trustworthy institution (don't know if it's ok to mention the name) and she said that as long as ejaculate or pre-ejaculate make it to the vulva somehow (through direct or indirect transfer, doesn't matter), that pregnancy could happen. This did not make sense to me.

Again, I am not doubting the validity of the information you guys provide. I am just pissed, honestly.

When pregnancy is a phenomenon that has been there since the beginning of time, it seems very stupid to me that there is still some conflict on something so basic as how pregnancy happens, (in this case whether pregnancy is possible through manual sex, whether there is pre-ejaculate or not).

I feel angry that I, and many girls like me, have to go through this every time they engage in something sexual. It angers me more that there is not one consensus on something so basic as how pregnancy happens.

[Sam W]

I'm glad that insight was helpful! And yes, I agree with you that we still have incorrect or conflicting information floating around about something as fundamental as pregnancy.

I'm not sure what that other site gave you the information it did (we avoid speculating on that and ask users to do the same, since it gets frustrating for everyone). I do know that many places, including us, err on the side of caution because we'd rather be over cautious than have someone end up in a position they don't want to be in. That doesn't make it any less frustrating though.

Something I'm wondering might help is if you made a list of physical things you're comfortable doing with your partner (in other words, things that don't set off the anxiety brain) and then make it your boundary to only do those things until you're in a different spot anxiety-wise. We've got a list of some suggestions, if you'd like them.