Scarleteen

I'm always afraid people are out to get me. Every time I go outside I assume people are staring at me and thinking bad things about me. I always assume someone wants to hurt me. I try to tell myself that I'm not important enough for anyone to care, but it doesn't work.

I'm especially paranoid about men. (Well, men that aren't in my family. My mom would kill any guy in my family that would hurt me). Even if I like a guy, I always fantasize about physically harming him. Like beating him with a baseball bat or something like that. And often times I'll think about him crying or puking blood or something like that.

I don't want to think about that sort of thing if I like him, but thinking about hurting him is the only way I can feel safe. Because then he'd know that if he tried to hurt me in any way, he'd be dead. Or even if he wouldn't hurt me physically or sexually, he might get the idea that he can own me because I'm a woman and I won't stand for that.

Despite being paranoid, I consider myself to be a pretty open, friendly person. Because if someone gets to know me, I assume they know if they say something against me that they'll be in for it. If they don't, that makes it easier for me.

Does anyone have any advice? I just want to feel safe. I'm 14 by the way, if that helps.

Do you have any sense of why you feel this way? Can I also ask how long you've felt this way, and if this isn't something very new, if you've ever talked to a mental healthcare provider for an evaluation? I ask because sometimes either the origin of persistent thoughts or feelings like this, or something that might not be at their root, but can amplify them, is mental illness.

(Just FYI, I do need to ask that you please not post about thoughts of violence explicitly like you have here moving forward in this conversation. They can be really triggering for those of us who have survived violence. Thanks.)

Heather wrote:Do you have any sense of why you feel this way? Can I also ask how long you've felt this way, and if this isn't something very new, if you've ever talked to a mental healthcare provider for an evaluation? I ask because sometimes either the origin of persistent thoughts or feelings like this, or something that might not be at their root, but can amplify them, is mental illness.

(Just FYI, I do need to ask that you please not post about thoughts of violence explicitly like you have here moving forward in this conversation. They can be really triggering for those of us who have survived violence. Thanks.)

I don't know why I'm this way. I've been like this since I was a child. I used to go get therapy because I was bullied at school and I got really violent with the kids who teased me. My mom doesn't want me to get therapy because she says therapists are evil. I don't know why she thinks that. Everyone else says I have a problem though. Sorry, I didn't mean to get too violent. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being too vague. Sorry!

Are there any healthcare providers you see - like a family doctor - your mother doesn't feel are "evil?"