Family Dinner Anxiety

[katkit0598]

Tomorrow is my Highschool graduation and the only people attending (on my behalf) are my mom, dad, boyfriend of almost 4 years, and his mom. Call it weird, but his mom hasnt really ever talked with my parents that much over the course of highschool. Don't get me wrong, they've of course met eachother and chatted here and there, but weve never had a sit down dinner or event where all 3 parents are in the same place for an extended period of time. And thats what is going to happen.

After graduation, we are going out to eat dinner where all 5 of us will be experiencing a family dinner for the first time. I feel like the conversation wont flow or my parents will say something dumb and its going to be insanely awkward. I have no idea how to hold a conversation between us. And i feel like if it all doesnt go perfectly that my boyfriend or his mom will think im like, a joke. I also just feel bad for having my boyfriend and his mom to sit through a long public school graduation (when hes used to nice, fancy, private school things).

My boyfriend and I are going to two seprate colleges come august (8 hours apart) and we still havent exactly figured out what that means for our relationship (but we need to SOON) and thats adding to my anxiety of it all. also were an interracial couple which works rather nicely but theres still the slightest bit of tensions between families because of that. maybe not nessecarily tensions, but our parents are just so different..

I havent gone to a doctor to be diagnosed for anxiety, however I am pretty sure that I have some form of it. I identify mostly with 'symptoms' (sorry i cant think of the right word) of social anxiety. Uncertainty of how something is gonna go terrifies me, and im always super caught up in what people think of me. I always think really hard about what I am going to say to a person because im horrified of saying the wrong thing. Also i worry ive done something wrong all the time. If im texting and someone replies slightly differently than they usually do, or they take longer to reply than i expected, i freak out and get sick over wondering what the problem could be...

I know theres no way I can make everything perfect. A lot of it is out of my control. But im just looking for some words of advice. At least something to help me worry less. Because I feel sicker and sicker by the hour as the dinner approaches.

[Heather]

Before I get to any of the other tough stuff, congratulations on your graduation! I'm sorry there's any hard stuff attached to that, because it's a big deal.

How do you feel about just starting the dinner by saying something like, "It's so weird we haven't done this before now, and I don't even know where to get started, do you?" In other words, how do you feel just going ahead and acknowledging its awkward (and probably for more than just you), and putting that out there rather than having to soak in it by yourself and try and hide that feeling? Sometimes pointing out the elephant in the room can help shrink it down to a much smaller animal.

Can I also ask how you feel about telling your boyfriend and his Mom about your concerns? That you're worried about them being bored and that you value them? I hear you saying you're feeling insecure about your relationship with both of them when it comes to them being in something that's about you, and might be more like your life than theirs. Do you generally have a good relationship with both of them? Do they both seem to care about you? If so, they will probably mostly be concerned about YOU being happy and comfortable and want to assuage these concerns: after all, this is about your achievement and about you, not them.

[katkit0598]

Thanks for the quick reply! And while I don't feel totally comfortable with pointing out the Elephant in the room, it doesn't sound like a terrible idea by any means, and might be worth trying.

As far as my relationship with them:

I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me. There has been a lot of tension lately with the fact that college is fast approaching and we still dont know what to do. We dont fight or get mad at eachother but theres a noticible difference in our relationship now. We dont really talk about the future because we are sad about it and afraid of it. But thats sorta an issue for another time I think..
As far as him being supportive and wanting me happy, he does. for sure. I know he wants me to be comfortable. But that being said, he has made fun of my school and some of its less than impressive antics before. Not in a mean way, and he isnt trying to make me feel bad, but he doesnt hide when he thinks something is kinda....(For lack of a better word) lame... wether its my event or something else.
He is a tough cookie, and doesnt have the anxious tendencies like I have. So he doesn't realize that sharing those thoughts really make me uncomfortable and feel inadiquite.

As for his mom, shes a nice person, she has always been kind to me. I always feel like shes judging me for everything I do, but i really have nothing to back this up. I feel this way about all people. Kinda without a reason. I just assume that she doesnt like me despite how nice she acts.

When I take a step back I see how silly some of this sounds, and like im worrying too much, but in my brain I just cant seem to fuully grasp that. I feel nervous and sick. I just imagine them leaving the dinner and talking abouut how awkward it is on the car ride home and I dont know how to diminish that feeling

[Heather]

I really would vote for just talking to them about this. I know that that also involves its own kind of discomfort, but that strikes me as a discomfort much more temporary and more likely to provide some pretty quick relief than not, you know?

It does also sound like whether he means to be or not, your boyfriend has perhaps been classist (discriminating based on economic status, if that's not a term you're familiar with) with you, making fun of your school when he goes to something private and fancy. And boy, can that feel crappy, just like any other kind of -ism can. Now might be a pertinent time to point out that that makes you uncomfortable and you wish he'd give it a break.

Lastly, I know that it's not easy to do when you have any kind of social or other anxiety, but I'd say that whatever you can do to try and think the best of people like his mother is the way to go. You already know that you're inclined to go to an insecure place with this, so if you can remind yourself that those feelings are YOUR reality, but often don't reflect the reality of others (like, for instance, how your boyfriend's mom actually thinks of you), it might help. And just kind of acting with her like she DOES like and respect you, even if you don't fully believe it, might help change that narrative a bit in your own head, too.

I really hope this goes well for you, and that however you decide to approach this, this can be a great day for you, a great dinner, and all feel like the kind of celebration of you and finishing high school that you deserve!

[Heather]

Oh, one more thing: let's say they DO get back in the car and say it was awkward. They probably won't, but let's just go there since you're worried about it.

When anything is socially awkward, it's not usually because just one person is socially awkward, but because everyone feels or behaves awkwardly. But it's okay for things to be awkward: so much of life and interacting with each other is, in one way or another. And if it is awkward, it'll no doubt be for the reasons you've said, which are so not just on you: because you're basically new to each other as a group, and new to socializing together.

We'll all easily survive something being socially awkward, and when it feels like we or anyone else won't, it's often because we're putting too much pressure on ourselves, and are being perfectionists, instead of realists, about life and how we all are in it together. So, if it IS awkward...well, then, it's awkward! And really, all you'll all have proved to each other is that you're mere mortals like everyone else, who can't magic some kind of social perfection together.

[katkit0598]

As for the classism or whatever it may be, I know it isnt something he intends to be rude with, hes just kinda poking fun at me. however I do need to make sure he understands that what he thinks is poking fun does make me feel pretty crappy.
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The rational side of me says "Im sure it will all be fine, and even if something goes wrong, its not a big deal. Nobody will die over some minor awkwardness"

But the other side (And stronger side) says "if something goes wrong then everyone will be mad at you and the world is gonna end" and all kinds of crazy feelings. i just want to meet expectations.

That being said: What you have said has helped a lot and I will take all of it into consideration tomorrow. I'm trying to be positive and listen to my "rational side" as best as I can, because I know that worrying doesnt really change the outcome of anything. It just makes it a lot more painful. So i'm reminding myself that as much as I can.

Thanks again. Just laying it all out there has helped me on its own to a degree because I can kinda separate myself and see the situation from an outward view.

[katkit0598]

And I just saw your additional reply which has made me feel even better. Because you are right. I cant say im 100% at ease but im signifigantly less nervous thank you!!

[Heather]

Oh, I'm so glad. I'd just hate for you to miss out on at least getting some of the joy of your own achievement with graduation.

I really hope you have a wonderful time -- even if it is awkward! -- katkit.

[katkit0598]

Well I'm back,

im still feeling better about the whole situation, but wondering if there are ways to manage my anxiety in a more general context. Like when it gets bad suddenly and i feel short of breath and panicked, is there something i can do in that moment to diminish it?

[Heather]

Ultimately, what works for people when it comes to managing anxiety is a range of things, so what works for you is really something you just have to figure out via trial and error over time (and probably won't work out before tomorrow, sorry!).

But this article -- http://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/anxiety_lies -- has a sidebar with a bunch of links, some apps, some hotlines that could give you some good places to get started. You also can certainly talk to a healthcare provider to see what options they suggest for you with anxiety management in general, and, if you're having them (which it sounds like you may be), with panic attacks, specifically.

[katkit0598]

Thanks for the link!!

[Heather]

HAPPY GRADUATION DAY!

[katkit0598]

Thank you! Its all over. I was anxious throughout the experience however my excitement ended up over powering it. The dinner went just fine. A litte awkward here and there but MUCH better than my mind was anticipating. I dont know why I put so much pressure on myself, but im working on changing that.

thank you so so much

[Heather]

Oh, I am so, so happy to hear that! Yay!

You know, if it ever helps, I've struggled with perfectionism and myself basically my whole 4+ decades of life, and have gradually gotten better and better at it. Still a process, imagine I always will be in process with it, but if it'd be helpful to just gab with someone about it who's dealt with that as well, just let me know. I'd be glad to.