Am I asexual

[Innocent12]

I am so lost and have been for a very long time. I been on a couple of dates with guys but I never have a huge attraction. I like to kiss in the sense of a peck but hate making out. I think it is gross and just not fun. And the only time I ever got close to a sexual encounter was giving a hand job to a guy and I just felt gross after that and actually cried about it for no reason. I just don't know if I have found the right guy or if I just don't care for it. I have a dream about sex and ect but in real life I just don't have that immediate attraction other people get where they want to make out or have sex with. I don't think I gay but I don't know but I don't have feeling for women that I know of. I thought about getting a vibrates to see if I would enjoy it and that I just haven't had sex yet so maybe it will change but honestly I just can't get to the point of even letting myself get there with a guy. I just don't know what to do. I feel so awkward and out of place even when I might like a guy or have a crush I do not pursue it. But I like holding hands hugging and cuddling. I don't know if it's something I just get over after it happens or what. What should I do what's wrong with me?

[Jacob]

Hi Innocent welcome to scarleteen!

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time of this, you're not alone... after all, issues like this are why we exist here. It sounds like you're feeling a lot of pressure to do sexual/romantic acts and to enjoy them. As a minimum this alone is going to get in the way of enjoying your interactions with people so I would definitely recommend stepping back from any such attempts. There's no urgency or reason to do anything sexual or romantic unless you have the desire to.

The way I see asexuality is two fold. On the one hand it is just a way of describing not wanting to have sex or do sexual stuff. Right now, even if it is subject to change, that sounds a bit like. So you're experiencing something that lots of other people have and that they have learnt from. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means you're doing a good job of recognising what you don't want.

On the other hand, 'Asexual' is an identity... and just as with any label, it's a short-cut and the real you is always more complicated than that. Using a word like asexual is a choice, not something which represents everything about you sexually but more about what's most useful for you in communicating your desires. It is also a term that has a lot of community built up around it, and also a struggle for the right to be recognised and included by political institutions.

Finally, asexuality isn't a thing that's 'wrong' with a person. It is just a short way of saying 'a person that doesn't want to have sex'... and so whether you'd like to use it as a term to describe yourself is completely up to you.

How would you feel about ending these attempts to enjoy intimacy that doesn't appeal to you?