Please help me understand

[Dandelion]

I went over my friend's house and like we smoked weed. I was okay with that. I thought we would just do that and talk you know. She had something different in mind. I felt very weird. She started kissing me. Pushed me back on the bed. Things were in and out. I could see my body moving buy in my head I was screaming stop. But I couldn't get the words out. I remember her saying "I got you high so I could fuck you."

This went on all night. She asked me I was okay. I said yes a couple times but after awhile I said no. But she wouldn't completely back off. She kept her hands in between my legs. Throughout she kept saying over and over "I don't want to take advantage of you. Im consensual. I do it because you want it." I nearly passed out when she forced my head in between her legs. I managed to push away and she slapped me and that triggered me. All I could think about was my past abusers. I curled up in a balll and cried. She asked if I wanted to stop. I said I wanted to sleep so she let me. But I still was floating. I realized the high had turned into pure dissociation. She touched me while I was in sleeping state. I couldn't fully wake. Couldnt say no. The next morning I was more aware of what happened and it made me hate myself. I completely shut down and disconnected my emotions. She kept wanting more though. I told her no. And thatt at the state I was in all I could say was yes if she tried anything because that's the mindset I was in during my years of abuse. And the mindset that came over me during the flashback. She walked over to me and shoved her fingers in me. I couldn't talk anymore. I tried but tears just came. Then, I must've passed out again. When I woke my mom had called. She was on her way. I told my friend that I didn't know how to feel about what happened. Meanwhile, she's texting everyone she knows about fucking me even after I asked her to let it remain private. I don't know what to think. She says Im ashamed because shes a girl which isnt true. Was it consensual? I don't feel good.

[Karyn]

Hi Dandelion. I'm so sorry your friend did this to you. To answer your question, it's clear this was not consensual: you said no, you weren't conscious the whole time, and that's very obviously not consent.

How can we help you right now? I know in the past you've talked to some of the other staff here about mental health resources and support for sexual assault survivors: were you able to access any of those options, and do you think would it be possible to get in touch with them again?

[Dandelion]

One of my good close friend's mother is a counselor. I talked to her today. We talked about this weekend and my childhood. She said I need to focus on self care this week.

[Mo]

I think focusing on taking care of yourself is a good idea. As part of that, are you able to avoid being around this friend, or at the very least avoid situations where you'd be alone with her?
If you want to talk to someone who's specifically trained to help people who have been sexually assaulted, that might help too; I know I've given you this link before but here it is so you have it close at hand: http://www.visitthecenter.org/services

[Dandelion]

Yes. She's homeschooled. I don't have to see her. Or text her. I don't want to.

[Dandelion]

Also, yes I have used that hotline. It's very helpful thank you.

[Sam W]

Hi dandelion,

I responded to your self-care post, so figure we can continue that conversation over there. Is there anything else that you want to touch on in this thread?

[Dandelion]

I talked to an officer at school about what happened. I didn't want to at first. I had told my science teacher who of course had to report it and yeah. It was okay. I'm not pressing charges. Class was hard today. Everyone was talking about me. They all think what she thinks. Completely consensual. Makes me sad. Frustrated. Anyway I'll respond to the self care thread. Thank you.

[Sam W]

I'm sorry that you're not feeling supported by a lot of people at school (although I'm glad you have a teacher that you trust enough to talk to about this). Are there other people at school who you feel will support you right now so you don't feel so alone?

[Dandelion]

I have a close friend. She's the only one I've told. She's been very supportive. Her mom has been too.

[Sam W]

Is she at school with you in a way where she could block for you (for lack of a better word)? In other words making sure people don't talk about the assault while you're there?

With the reporting to the police, what did they tell you the next steps would be? I know you said you asked to not press charges, but did they give you any information about what the law required them to do.

[Dandelion]

Yes. Well only in my Spanish class but that's the class with the most talkers so it's good.

The officer said he had to report legally but couldn't fully investigate without my wanting to. I just don't feel good I'll be heard if I decided to seek charges. She's a cheerleader. I'm nothing. And she has more people on her side.

[Carmen]

That sounds like a really hard situation to be in and it sucks when it feels like there are more people on the other person's side than your own
If you want to discuss this any more or want help navigating pressing potential charges let us know (and if not we can just continue on with your self care thread )