Flashbacks during Sex

[Axolotl?s]

My boyfriend and I are in a long term relationship and are also sexually active. He is 16 and I am 15. I am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse (am being therapeutically treated) and often times when my boyfriend and I are engaging in sexual activity I have flashbacks. They usually happen when he mounts me or says something questionable. I love my boyfriend (he is aware of the abuse in every detail) and he is constantly cautious of causing the flashbacks and/or harming me in anyway. How can I participate in sexual activity and not experience these overwhelming fear inducing moments? They are becoming a threat to our intimacy.

[Ashleah]

Hi,

I'm so sorry that you experienced abuse. That is something no one deserves. I am glad to hear that you have some mental healthcare in place, is this something you would be comfortable bringing up with your therapist if you haven't already?Healing after any type of abuse is a process, one that will not happen immediately (as I'm sure you know), engaging your therapist with this might be helpful especially if they are a person who specializes in sexual assault.

Being triggered is not uncommon and is not something you should feel bad about. Again, healing is something that will take time! And you should have the space and support to take all the time you need! Have the two of you discussed and put into place boundaries for your sexual relationship, especially as it concerns your flashbacks? This would include some conversation about what behaviors could lead to a flashback and stopping when they occur.

Do you mind explaining to me what you mean by it being a threat to your intimacy? Are you all having difficulty being intimate in ways that do not involve intercourse and other types of sex (spending time together, holding hands and being close, talking, etc.)? Do you feel like you have to have sex in your relationship?

[Axolotl?s]

Thank you for understanding. He and I both believe that intimacy and sexual activity are important and in some ways essential to our relationship. And usually after I'm triggered I can't immediately continue with what we were doing. Not just in sexual activity but with simple gestures like holding hands and calling me a certain pet name. For example one time he reached for my hand and accidentally ended pulling my wrist tightly instead and this caused a flashback. We have also discussed certain actions and phrases that trigger me and he avoids those things but I'm always hesitant to try new things because they may or may not set me off. I'm scared because he's worried that he's scaring me or hurting me and I don't want either of us to constantly be in fear.

[Heather]

If you haven't already, I wonder if it might help to just explain more of how post-traumatic triggers work to him.

For instance, you can let him know that just like, for example, just a shade of something, even if the dynamic is totally different, can remind us of a positive experience, both in our heads, but also in our bodies, the same goes with something traumatic. So, let's say he had a marvelous experience in a field of apple trees. He might sometime smell apples in a context that isn't at all pleasant, and yet, suddenly find himself feeling happy and having a good sensory memory. You can be engaging in wanted intimacy with a partner, but something that happens during that -- even though that is all very pleasant for you -- can suddenly remind you, emotionally, intellectually and even physically, of your trauma.

In terms of how to try new things with worry that you will be triggered, once you can find ways to manage your triggers, and then fill a partner in on that, that becomes less of a big deal. Because we can get triggered, and that's no fun, but then we have ways to just get through that trigger and be okay, even pretty fast after. How have you and your therapist done so far with exploring and coming up with ways for you to manage triggers when they happen? (Also, do you feel safe talking to them about the concerns you're bringing here?)

[Axolotl?s]

Therapy has been helpful in many ways regarding my trauma and I have considered letting my boyfriend sit in on a session or two to help him better understand.

[Heather]

Can you fill me in on if you have talked about any of this -- including in your other thread -- with your therapist?

What do they even say about the timing for you, per where you're at with your healing, and your family being strongly against this sexual relationship for you right now, of a sexual relationship at this time?

[Heather]

I'm also still curious about where you stand on what Ashleah asked you (and an answer that's about you, not about a "we" with a combined opinion of you and your boyfriend), if you don't mind filling us in.

Do you feel like you have to have sex in your relationship?