Relationship problems

[missmariah]

Hey Scarleteen!

I have a few things I need advice about. To start, I am 22 years old and currently in college. I have a boyfriend that I've been dating for 3 years. My boyfriend just recently got a new job. I am very happy and excited for him, but my problem with this is that ever since he found out he got this job, he's been very mean and condescending towards me. I feel like he thinks he's better than me now, so he feels the need to make me feel bad. I can say something to him and he'll give me a smart remark back, or just yell at me. For example, I asked him if he still loves me last night and he flipped. I started crying and he didn't care. Last week, I have a birthmark on my chest that he always thought was cute, and he said it was weird looking and oddly shaped. Then he started laughing at me during intimacy last week

When this first started happening about a month ago, I was having bad anxiety attacks and he wasn't helping by being a jerk so we made a promise that if I stopped with my anxiety attacks, then he'd stop being a jerk. My anxiety attacks, so far, have subsided, but he continues to be a jerk and condescending, which, in turn, causes me to start crying and he shows no sympathy. We've been fighting a lot (so much so that a neighbor called the police the other day) lately because he's changed so much. I just want the boyfriend I fell in love with back. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm also on meds for A.D.D. that my boyfriend thinks turns me into a bitch. So he doesn't like me taking them, so when I don't take them and I'm a little bitchy, I get accused of taking them! I'm a girl. Every woman is a little bitchy from time to time and I'm on birth control which messes up a girls hormones!!

Anyway, I'll admit, at the beginning of our relationship, I had a hard time letting him hang with his friends. One in particular, because he hurt my boyfriend so much. My boyfriend keeps seeing how much this kid hurt him, agrees with me, hangs out with him only to be hurt again, then comes crawling back to me saying,"you're right". My boyfriend can hang out with whoever he wants, it's just really hard for me to continuously watch him get hurt by this kid. I've since let him hang out with his friends (he hates when I say "let", but I have to because I wasn't letting him hang with them) At the same time, my boyfriend likes to play with yugioh cards, which I'm fine with but he always used to want me to come to the card shop with him because it made him feel comfortable and it made me feel like he really needs me but lately he's been distant and doesn't want me to go and it hurts. His sister goes with him, and he doesn't invite me anymore I'll also admit, even though I'm ashamed to say it, but I've hit him before but it was only because his parents are really strict and if they see me walk out of his room, they will flip and start an even bigger fight with me. Sometimes he can be so mean and talks over me and doesn't care that I'm crying, and the only thing I can do to stop it is hit him. I feel terrible about that. But, please help me I just want my relationship back.

[Heather]

Flatly, this all sounds terrible as well as emotionally toxic, at best, and emotionally abusive, at worst. It also sounds like some of the things your partner insists on aren't often possible -- like you somehow completely controlling your anxiety -- or are patently unsafe -- like coercing you into not using your prescribed medication. I'm so sorry it's been like this.

It's never what any of us will want to hear, but we just can't get how relationships were once "back" at a later date. The relationships we're in at any time are the only ones we can be in at that time. We can't be in our past relationship in the present. But perhaps more to the point, it's your boyfriend's behavior here (and some of yours) that would have to change, and only he who could change it (and you who can change your own). He'd have to want to change it and he'd have to make big efforts to change it.

And with your own unhealthy or abusive behaviors, like hitting him, you'd have to do the same. You do have a choice besides hitting someone, always, even when they're being a terrible jerk. You have the choice of walking away and staying away. But in any kind of unhealthy dynamic, people tend to react and behave, both, more and more in unhealthy ways, so learning HEALTHY ways of responding can be harder when people are already, whatever their role, in something abusive.

Personally, I don't get the sense that him acknowledging he needs to change how he behaves and working to change that very likely, and I also don't feel like this is someone emotionally safe for someone to even be with. Again, once a relationship has already gone this far south in unhealthy dynamics, too, people doing something else together isn't likely, especially without a TON of mutual and dedicated work (and often couples counseling). I'd advise you think seriously about moving on and getting away from this person rather than trying to keep them close.

But if that's not what you want, or where you're at just yet, then the next step would be to talk to him about his behavior and set a line with him that it needs to change for you to stay in this relationship. In other words, you need to set that limit and then see how he responds. If he takes responsibility for it and states a clear intention to work on changing it to healthy dynamics and behaviours (and you to your own changes you can make, like starting to set limits with what's healthy and isn't and hold them and not yourself engaging in any kind of abuse), then you can see how that goes.

But if he makes clear, either in what he says or how he acts in response, that he doesn't have any desire to behave differently or isn't going to do some real work on that, then I'm afraid you are going to have to accept that this is the relationship you have now, and what the person you're with now is like, and if that's not what you want (and I'd hope it isn't), that it may be time to let this go.

[Heather]

P.S. I personally feel like if and when the cops have been called due to fights in a relationships, that's a very clear clue that something is WAY wrong and has gone so far south, it's just time to pack it in and go home. Because, to be real, once there's a pattern of those calls, things have usually gotten so abusive and so sticky that that's when we rarely see both people ever make it out of a relationship, or worse still see only one person make it out unharmed or alive.

[missmariah]

Thank you, Heather! Your prompt response was appreciated. As for talking to my boyfriend about changing his ways, I have. At first he agrees with me and sees that he's being a jerk, but then if I say something wrong, he goes back to being that jerk. Also, when the police were called it was only once and the police officer actually said that there was no reason for them to be called. The neighbors that called the police, call the police on everyone.

Also, I forgot to mention this in the first post but my boyfriends sister keeps saying, "I'm glad you're happy now" to my boyfriend and it pisses me off. Obviously she's known him longer than I have, but how is she not noticing a change in his behavior? She's not around us as a couple much to see how he's been acting. I'm glad he's happy too, but, not to be selfish, what about my happiness?

Also, how many times a month/week can a guy hang out with his friends because he's already done it at least 2 or 3 times this week, and he's also working and then he doesn't have time to hang out with me

[Heather]

People in romantic relationships can hang out with their friends as much as they want to. There aren't supposed to be rules on how often a partner can hang out with friends. However, a partner may want more time than they are getting with their partner, in which case they can ask for that, and if that's also what the partner wants, it's all good. If it isn't, then the people involved need to decide if both of their needs in that regard really work together.

But honestly, what I am hearing in this response is a couple things. I'm hearing you go right to trying to bring a control of him (which you've mentioned has been an issue before) per his time with friends to all of this: that's not healthy or part of a healthy relationship or dynamic.

I also hear you saying that he clearly isn't committed to -- or perhaps just doesn't really want to -- change his behaviors with you, either.

Throughout, I also hear you sounding like you feel trapped in some unhealthy ways of behaving -- like saying you feel you've no choice but to hit. Healthy relationships just don't leave us feeling like that, and unhealthy relationships just don't come out of left field, either, so chances are pretty good that while this may have started with fewer of these kinds of dynamics in the past, at the very least, I'm betting some amount of kind of them has been going on, or found root, well before the last months. That means they are probably long established, even if they're only recently escalating to a level or way of being you're noticing or finally feeling uncomfortable with.

Long story short, it sounds to me like this is just not a good fit for either of you, or not a relationship either of you are likely to be healthy with one another in. It might be because of the way both of your patterns with unhealthy dynamics make a perfect storm (that happens with people sometimes), it might be because the way one of you responds just sets the other off, it might be because he's just bad news and you feel so scared of him you don't know how to leave or respond to him without being abusive (like hitting) yourself. All of that is something that over time, especially if you are out of this and can get that kind of perspective, you'll probably have a better sense of.

But. I know it really sucks after a few years of being in something, I do, however, my very best advice to you with this is to recognize a) it's time to move on if you want something healthy, because this clearly isn't going to be, and b) it's time to do your own work with your own stuff, so that the next relationship you're in is likely to much much healthier and happier, and, if he also wants to learn healthier dynamics and be in healthy relationships after this himself, for him to do his own work.

[Heather]

Realizing I can pass on a couple links that might be helpful to you in thinking about all this:
• Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?
• Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[missmariah]

Thank you, Heather. I'll take a look at those links!

[Heather]

Glad to be of help. And if at any point you want some suggestions for reading or kinds of help to do your own work for and about yourself -- like figuring out where you developed a habit of hitting, or what history, circumstances or existing patterns in your life have perhaps played a part in you finding yourself in this kind of relationship, give a shout.

I'd be glad to gather some of those resources for you.