Help! Contacting someone from your past.

[Northstargirl]

I dated this guy for a year and then we mutual decided to break up. But a few months later we decided to have the occasional hookup because neither of us had time for a relationship. But, I still had feelings for him and decided that I needed to end the occasional hookup. About a month later I found out I was pregnant but lost the baby several weeks later. He was a great support throughout the ordeal and paid for my hospital bills. During this time I dealt with waves of depression and on two occasions ripped him a new one. One night I told him, how I really felt about him. He had no clue about my feelings, especially because I never gave him any indication. It's because, for the first time in years I was so nervous about telling a guy that I just kept it to myself. But, I also knew that I needed a break from dating to heal from everything that happened. So, I cut off communication. It's been a few months now and I've recently thought about him a lot and would really like to have coffee or dinner with him. But, I'm scared and nervous since we haven't talked in awhile. I just don't know what to do. Part of me is so scared and the other part is saying "call him." Also, does it look bad on me if I pursue him? Instead of him pursuing me?

[Karyn]

Hi, Northstargirl.

First of all, kudos to you for realising that you needed a break from dating and taking care of yourself in that way. Ending a relationship and losing a pregnancy is a lot for anyone to deal with, and I admire your figuring out what you needed and following through with it.

It can be nerve-racking for sure to reach out to someone you haven't seen for a while, especially when there are big feelings and major events in your common history, and from the sound of it, some conflict as well. But all that doesn't mean it's impossible, or that it's a bad idea, rather, you just may want to put a bit of extra thought into what it is you want to happen as a result of contacting him and how you'd like it to go. (From what you've written here, it sounds like you might want to re-start your romantic relationship?) Regardless of whether you're hoping for a continuation of your earlier relationship, or looking to establish a friendship, or just want to stay in touch as acquaintances, keeping it low-key and going slowly is likely going to be the best strategy. Asking if he'd like to grab a cup of coffee sometime, and being clear about what you'd like to talk about when you meet (if he's open to that) is a good way to make sure you're both on the same page and that there's minimal pressure on either of you. And if you're not sure what exactly you're looking for, you can say that too!

As far as you pursuing him rather than the other way around, the idea that women aren't supposed to ask men out or be the active ones in dating and relationships is outdated and based on gender roles that aren't really great for anyone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you initiating contact and asking him out, if that's what you want.