Is virginty a state of mind?

[GG07]

My name is Emma and I know that there is no wrong or right definition but let's say you have sex and didn't feel like you lost or gave your virginity, would you consider that losing your virginity?

[Karyn]

Since virginity isn't a physical state or a medical concept, it's totally up to you to decide. Even if you have sex, and others might define that as 'losing your virginity', if it doesn't feel like that to you, that's all that matters: if it's a concept that's important to you (it isn't to everyone), however you define it, then you get to decide when you are or are not a virgin anymore.

We have a couple of pieces on the main site that might be helpful for you in thinking about all of this, and of course, if you want to talk about this more or have any other questions, we're here.

20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank
Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context
My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It

[GG07]

thank you for the advice, it was very helpful! I wanted to know because I was dating this guy when I was a freshman in high school and he was a junior so he was a little older than me but he would pressure me into a lot. Especially blow jobs and sex when I know that I wasn't ready and I don't handle pressure well. When I had sex with him, I literally didn't feel like it was sex because honestly I couldn't really feel anything and it lasted like 5 seconds, I don't even know if he got it all the way in and I just never considered that losing my virginity because emotionally I felt like I didn't give or lose anything and I was pressured into. So I always felt like a virgin. After this guy broke up with me I was never upset because "he took my virginity", I never felt like he did but he started to spread rumors that he did and that really got to me and it's honestly taken me a long time to get over that. Now I'm dating someone new, we've been together for a while and at first I was scared to tell him that I was a virgin, I honestly thought he would believe what people told him, but the first time I had sex with him it felt so much different because it was the very first time I felt ready and emotionally and physically I felt something. So is it wrong to say my new boyfriend took my virginity? And not to count my ex boyfriend since he brings back horrible memories?
Should I ever let a rumor like my ex boyfriend spread around school get to me? Thanks -Em

[Sam W]

Hi queenxoxo,

It's ultimately up to you to define what counts to you as "losing your virginity." Quite frankly, how your first boyfriend behaved is a lot closer to sexual assault than to consensual sex (the fact that he just kept pushing in spite of knowing you didn't want to), and many people who have an experience like that choose to have it not count.

The one thing I will say is that, depending on what kind of protection was used with the first boyfriend and what kind is being used now, you may need to talk to your current partner about STIs and getting tested. That would involve talking about what happened with the previous boyfriend. If that conversation feels tricky, we can help you figure out what to say.

As for the rumors, sometimes it's hard to control what gets to us. Especially when someone betrays our trust in that way (and is a total jerk). The best thing you can do is remember that you know the truth (and if you feel up to it you can correct people who repeat the rumor in front of you).

[GG07]

Well he actually was a jerk and I was too scared to break up with him, but he eventually broke up with me and honestly I realize now that he's just that guy who's a dick and goes from girl to girl. Protection was used with the first, it was a condom and the pill and it has also been used with the second as well.I've talked to my new boyfriend and he's been the first one ive been open about all of this to. It's just I think I need help getting over it. Honestly I've always battled anxiety and depression since I was a little girl because I had an abusive father but that event with my first boyfriend, when I wasn't ready for sex has really gotten to me, my depression got so bad after it. It was like no matter how I felt in reality, it was like I kept convincing myself of lies and creating problems in my own head. How do I get over this depression and my past?

[Heather]

Help with depression and trauma can come from several different places, and how people heal from past trauma, and manage depression, varies.

Both of these things are absolutely often well-served by working with a mental health professional, as one clear place to start that can serve both of these needs well. Have you looked into mental healthcare? If not, would you like some help researching that option?

[GG07]

Is there ways you can help depression or anxiety on your own? I would really like help researching!

[Sam W]

Hi queen,

There are ways to manage depression and anxiety that you can do on your own (like use specific techniques to deal with rough feelings), but those tools generally involve a counselor or therapist teaching you how to do them first. Too, seeing someone one on one gives you a safe space to process your feelings and thoughts, as well as being able to help you adjust the kinds of treatment you're using to fit your specific needs. In terms of finding help, would you feel okay going through your parents insurance if they have it?

One thing you can do on your own is self-care. We have lots of tips for that here: Self-Care a La Carte

[GG07]

Yeah I would totally be okay with that, but I feel like every time I tell my mom I don't feel happy anymore she just tells me I'm going through a confusing time. So how would I tell her I would like to do therapy again?

[Sam W]

That's frustrating. One way I can think of is to ask, and if she responds in that way, say that you're feeling like having a chance to see a counselor will help make the "confusing" time less stressful for you to go through. Do you think she'd respond positively to that?

[GG07]

My mom gets depressed at times too, so I'm sure if I told her that she would understand, but I'm also really close to my grandmother and she told me that maybe I should have another round of therapy. Thank you for all your help!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I hope the talk goes well!