Talking about sex when he's religious

[KingSlayerKat]

Hello! This is going to be a long post, so bear with me. (There's a short version at the bottom of the post)

I am 22 years old, my boyfriend is just 1.5 months younger than me. We do not live together.
We have been dating since the end of sophomore year and just celebrated our 6th anniversary in may.

I love my boyfriend, he’s funny, we share the almost all the same interests, we think extremely similarly, and he makes me feel amazing and happy just from hearing his voice or being near me. He’s always there for me and treats me with more respect than anyone else ever has.

There’s just one problem in our relationship: He’s christian, and I’m atheist.
Other than that, there's no problems, nothing makes us truly angry at eachother. Even when we were stranded in Vegas with nowhere to go, we turned it into a fun experience rather than a fight, despite the stress.

I grew up Catholic, so I understand how strict the church is when it comes to sex. They guilt you into “sex is sinful and disgusting” they only talk about how you should never do it before you get married, and even after marriage it’s basically taboo if you’re not trying to procreate.

I used to feel awful about sex, but since converting myself away from the church about 3 years ago, it’s become something I’m very comfortable with. I don’t feel dirty for thinking about it anymore. I don't feel like my vagina is a sinful part of my body anymore that nobody should ever touch. I'm scared that my boyfriend does feel this way about me and/or himself though, just like I did.

The lack of intimate activity never bothered me before. I was perfectly happy with it being no part of my life, but in the last year or so, my libido has increased tremendously. I want him to touch me, I want to lay next to him at night without worrying about boundaries. He turns me on just being in the same room. I want to pleasure him, and have him pleasure me back.
I want to tell him, I know exactly what I want to say, but his religion is holding me back.
I don’t want to impede on his religious beliefs, and I don’t want him to feel like I’m disregarding them.
I feel like he might see me differently if I ask about sex. I don’t fear that he’ll love me less or think I'm a slut, not at all. I feel like he might feel bad that I want it, and he cannot give it to me due to his religious beliefs. I don’t want him to go against his beliefs and touch me in forbidden areas or sleep with me becuase I told him I want it. He's very concerned about my wants and I feel like he might do something he doesn't want simply becuase I do.

I love him enough that I can wait as long as he wants, but it’s killing me that I can’t tell him.

How do I tell him this?
Communication isn't a problem in our relationship, we have an easy time talking about everything else. He's my go-to person whenever I have something to say, but his religion is making me feel awful to want to talk to him about sex or intimacy.


Short version: I'm scared to talk about sex with my boyfriend becuase I don't want to impede on his religion and I'm not sure what the boundaries are of it. How do I go about doing so?

[Carmen]

Hi KingSlayerKat,

Have you had any conversations with your boyfriend about sex or intimacy before?
It sounds like you are very aware of his potential boundaries and that you two have great communication in most areas which is awesome. I think starting off a conversation acknowledging the potential boundaries the conversation may bring up, like, "Let me know if this conversation at any time makes you feel too uncomfortable or you feel like it is impeding on your religious beliefs," could be a good way to respect his boundaries. However, I think it is equally important to acknowledge that your needs, wants, and beliefs are just as valid as his, including within topics such as intimacy and sex. I would also imagine sex has been on his mind in one way or another (as it is for most of us!) so this may just bring what you have both thought on your own about into open communication. It also sounds like you are conscious of not wanting to pressure him into anything he does not want to do, which is amazing. Since you are aware of this and don't want that to happen, I am confident you can do just that. How do you think you would feel comfortable bringing the conversation up? And what kind of ways do you think you could help make him feel safe and not pressured while also taking care of yourself and what you want to get out of the conversation?

[KingSlayerKat]

We haven't really talked about it aside from a few sexual innuendos and jokes.


After reading your post I think I might start it like:
"I want to talk about something that we've never really talked about before. It's going to be kind of awkward, but I'd like to talk about intimacy in our relationship. One day we are going to feel a very strong sexual connection to each other, and I think that talking about it now, rather than later will help us to embrace those feelings. Whether tomorrow, or 3 years from now."

I'm not exactly sure how or when to start up the conversation though. I always choke before I bring it up becuase I feel that sense of worry that I might be overstepping. I also have this feeling of embarrassment that holds me back, I don't know where it comes from. Maybe it's because I've been told that the topic of sex is taboo my whole life. I don't want to make a day go from amazing to completely awkward.

I definitely want to get these points in:
- My libio jump in the last few months
- My willingness to allow him to touch me wherever he wants without asking
- My willingness to wait as long as he needs, that I don't want him to jump into anything he doesn't want.

I also want to hear his opinion on it all and learn his boundaries. I assume he wants to wait until after marriage, but that might not be the case at all.

[Heather]

I think it's safe to presume that just asking to talk about something is never overstepping. If he responds by telling you he just can't even, or doesn't want to, talk about it, and you respect that boundary, it's all good.

Your opening sounds good to me, save that I would suggest you be honest, and rather than talking about sexual feelings you both may have in the future, you be real that you are having those feelings yourself now.

Per the how or when, why don't you just ask him if you two can set a day and time for some big talking you want to do? If he asks what this is about, you can just say sexuality.

Btw, I would not suggest anyone ever tell a partner they can do things without consent: without asking. Even if there are some things you feel comfortable with with only non-verbal ways of asking, healthy sexual and intimate relationships need active consenting. It's a very good thing your partner is always seeking consent and always wants to assure it. I wouldn't suggest making efforts to take that out of your relationship, and it may also be something that - validly - he wants and needs in order to feel good and safe about these interactions.

[Heather]

Btw, it's okay for a day to be awkward. That's just life and people being human and real. Life and relationships that aren't awkward or uncomfortable sometimes are the stuff of fiction, not reality, especially as relationships get deeper.

[KingSlayerKat]

I guess I tried to turn it into not about me(bad habit, I do it all the time).

"Without asking" was probably a bad way to put it. More like, if he wants to put his hand on me somewhere, he doesn't have to actually say "is it okay if I touch you here", the answer is going to be yes a majority of the time, in private at least.
Of course I will mention my boundaries, but in normal day to day life, a hand on my thigh or a flirty butt pinch isn't going to bother me. He mostly limited his sensual touching to my hips and back when hugging or dancing and hasn't ventured to more intimate areas, assumedly out of respect for me. I definitely don't want to remove that respect, but I do want him to know that it's okay and I'm not going to get mad at him.

Thanks for all of your advice, it's been super helpful!

I just need to play my part and actually build up the courage to say something now. I definitely feel much more confident today than I did before posting, the reassurance that I wasn't doing anything wrong was exactly what I needed!

[Sunshine]

Hey there,

do you think it might make you feel more at ease if you began with getting his thoughts and feelings on the matter - or just on sexuality in general? Just a thought, because I'm getting the impression that you're very unsure what his views really are. Perhaps you two are more on the same page than you fear, who knows.

Btw., I am agnostic and in a relationship with a religious man as well, so if you want to talk more about that in general, I'd be happy to.

[Heather]

I agree with Sunshine: you can know when you say things like "assumedly," that you have a clear need to actually have the information you're assuming. These are things you obviously don't know about from your partner himself and need to. So, these are certainly things to ask about when you do start talking together about all of this.