Do I just give up?

[jo821]

Hi Scarleteen!

I am a 24yo queer woman and I struggle with depression and anxiety, which have gotten worse in the last two years, which have also coincided with my first strides into the dating world as a single person (I was in a long-term relationship that ended and before that I didn't really date - confidence issues, etc). Because of my mental health and maybe because I haven't had great experiences with dating (which might in itself by explained by low self-esteem), I have issues trusting people, trusting my gut instinct, maintaining a stable self-esteem. This relates more specifically to dating (cis, straight) men. Being involved in feminism and gender studies has, I think, unwittingly made it so I'm very negatively politicized against men to a fault. All of these factors make it so now, even when I date someone that *seems* nice and genuine, I have a constant guard up and force myself to take absolutely nothing at face value. If someone tells me they'd like to do something with me or even pays me a compliment, my immediate mental response is "that's not true. They're just saying this to have sex with me. They think I'm stupid and pathetic and think I need to hear this to get into bed with me." It's not like all men I've been involved with have treated me in a way that warranted this defensiveness from me but some have and my mind goes crazy trying to decide if I'm exaggerating or if I'm in the right. It's exhausting and I don't like being this way.

Onto the actual question! Before I left the city I'm studying in for the summer holidays, I'd been *sort of seeing* a 39yo man I met on OKC. We immediately clicked and had so much in common. I was very taken with him, but had to dismiss it as nothing more than a hook-up: we only saw each other once a week (his excuse or actual reason: has 2 jobs and not much free time), he would take days to contact me again (excuse/reason: he's not on social media so we mostly e-mail or text and he's fairly formal in the way he communicates), and in bed he said something along the lines of "if only you were older" which I interpreted as meaning he did not see any possibility of a relationship.

So I decided to end things and told him I'd like to be friends. He said he was "sad to hear it but respected my decision". We kept hanging out but ended up sleeping together again. I'm more attracted to him than I've been to anyone in a very long time but when we have sex I feel extremely conflicted, am unable to relax and have an orgasm, and end up feeling ashamed and sad - even though I fantasize about it constantly.

The last time we had sex was just the day before I left, and it was rushed and as I walked home I cried the whole way and felt disgusted with myself. I immediately showered once I got home. I'm very confused as to why I felt this way.

I'll go back to town for a couple days so I can pack my stuff before I move for a year abroad. He said he'd like to see me and also asked repeatedly for me to send him my current address so he can send me something he has in mind. I appreciate him a lot as a person, enjoy his company terribly and am so drawn to him but I wonder (and this is the actual question!) whether I should just ghost him. I'm perfectly aware that this isn't healthy and that I'll always want more from this than him and that there's no use in maintaining a sexual friendship with this man. If I give him my address I'm going to wait anxiously to hear back from him, and then will be more favorable to seeing him again, and having sex again, and making an idiot of myself again and crying because I had sex with someone that doesn't like me again and didn't even get that much pleasure out of it.

Conflicting voice telling me that maybe I shouldn't ignore him forever: maybe he's the one wondering what a 24yo would want with him, maybe he's clumsy at dating, maybe he's more realistic than me, maybe he actually means what he says, maybe maybe maybe.

As most people that ever ask for advice, I suspect I already know the answer I'm gonna receive: all of this sounds like I shouldn't be dating at all. But I do miss having a regular partner to date, get to know, fall in love and be intimate with so much!

[Sam W]

Hi jo821,

First off, are you seeing (or have you seen) a counselor or therapist for the depression and anxiety? It sounds from your description like they have a role in all this, and they're likely affecting your life in other ways, so addressing them might go a long way to helping you.

I'm not going to suggest you stop dating entirely. What I am going to say is that it would be sound to spend some time learning to love yourself, rather than on finding a partner. It can be hard to believe that other people love us or view us in the way they say they do when we can't imagine seeing ourselves that way. Autostraddle actually did a neat article on how to "date yourself" http://www.autostraddle.com/five-reason ... lf-341328/ .

As for the guy in your question, what you choose to do should ultimately come from what's going to make you feel most comfortable. If you decide to see him one last time, I suggest meeting in a public place (and make sure you have your own way of getting to and from that place, not one that relies on him). That way, you've removed the chance for any "once more for old times sake" sex that's going to make you feel bad.

[jo821]

Hi jo821,

First off, are you seeing (or have you seen) a counselor or therapist for the depression and anxiety? It sounds from your description like they have a role in all this, and they're likely affecting your life in other ways, so addressing them might go a long way to helping you.

I'm not going to suggest you stop dating entirely. What I am going to say is that it would be sound to spend some time learning to love yourself, rather than on finding a partner. It can be hard to believe that other people love us or view us in the way they say they do when we can't imagine seeing ourselves that way. Autostraddle actually did a neat article on how to "date yourself" http://www.autostraddle.com/five-reason ... lf-341328/ .

As for the guy in your question, what you choose to do should ultimately come from what's going to make you feel most comfortable. If you decide to see him one last time, I suggest meeting in a public place (and make sure you have your own way of getting to and from that place, not one that relies on him). That way, you've removed the chance for any "once more for old times sake" sex that's going to make you feel bad.

Hi Sam,

thanks for replying! I do see a therapist once a week but as I'm moving, I had my last session with her a month ago and have to wait until September to be settled and find a new one, which is a little tough but I'm doing my best to use what I've learned to look after myself.

My issue with the notion of dating oneself or learning to spend time alone so as to not rely on a partner for certain needs, is that it's not something that I'm not used to doing. I'm quite the loner and don't feel like I need any training in being in touch with myself; rather, right now I have family and friends at home having to encourage me to spend more time with others instead of on my own, which I tend to vastly prefer. So I find it difficult to relate to this kind of self-help material. In fact, I think it's spending *too much* time on my own that makes me feel bad. In some ways, I feel like seeking out people to befriend and date when I want to is what allows me, at least for brief instants, to see myself in a positive light. But maybe in a way that's not stable enough?

[Sam W]

You're welcome! And I'm glad to hear you're using the techniques you learned with the previous therapist. That's a great way to look after yourself.

From what you're saying, it sounds like maybe a split in how you spend your time might be what you're looking for. In other words, still spending some time in your own company (and doing what you can to make that a time where you're kind to yourself and remembering how rad you are) but also directing plenty of energy towards ways to connect with other people. What kinds of things do you like to do? Or are there things you've been curious about doing (a new sport, a hobby, a class) that you've yet to try? And how familiar are you with the area you're moving to?