Relationship and anxiety

[cutewhiskas]

Hi there! So, I've had my very first pregnancy scare in a 5 year relationship. It was devastating... I've got anxiety, so I can't get back on my feet, even though I've had two periods and several negative pregnancy tests (urine and blood tests), and our relationship wasn't in a really good place before the pregnancy scare. I really can't find out the reason why I can't get it out of my mind, and my boyfriend is really frustrated because of that. I can't blame on him, but I just can't help it... When I calm down for a bit, I start thinking about how we could work on our relationship, but right after that, I get back to panic and feel sad and, to be honest, incredibly angry at him. He seems to be completely over the scare, but I'm not. The situation that brought us the scare was fingering with precum, which you guys say do not pose any risk. Then why can't I get over it? I don't know if I feel guilty because of what happened or because of how it happened, I just keep on playing how it happened in my mind and get even angrier, cause I honestly just did it cause I wanted things between us to get better... I just can't forget it and I've got no one else to talk about it. I'm still scared to death, thinking of how much I'd lose if I was pregnant, how disapointed my parents and my family would be... I've considered suicide already, which is not like me. could someone help me? I'm really losing hope

[Sunshine]

Hey there,

man, I am so sorry.

It sounds to me as if you had sex you might not have wanted for the sex itself but just because you were hoping it would help your relationship. Did I get that right? Was it your idea / your decision or did you feel pressured to do it?

Do you have any idea where your feelings of sadness and anger come from? I mean, you're obviously not pregnant, so what is it that's really hurting you?

[cutewhiskas]

I didn't feel exactly pressured... I just got nervous, I was hoping it would make things better. I feel so dumb now, for not saying no when I just didn't want it.

The only things I can think about is how stupid I was for letting things happen, even though I didn't want it. And that things were not good before that and I'd be pregnant of someone I don't even know how I feel about anymore, because I'm still emotionaly hurted from that day. I'd lose everything, every single plan I have, because of that messed up situation.

I just can't get rid of those thoughts. Even after negative tests and periods, I still think I'm somehow pregnant and I just ruined everything in my life.

[Mo]

Hi cutewhiskas,

I'm sorry to hear this scare has been the cause of so much anxiety. First off, do you have access to any in-person mental health support right now? Have you ever had any treatment for anxiety, or learned some ways to help manage it? It sounds like things are feeling really overwhelming at the moment, so if you are able to access some help it sounds like now is a good time. We also have a list of online resources here: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources to explore as a supplement to, or instead of, in-person support.

Also, if you haven't read it, I think this article might be a good place to start: You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are? It addresses a few reasons why people can have persistent pregnancy scares even in the face of clear evidence they aren't pregnant. Anxiety is one of those reasons, but another addressed in that article is feeling uneasy or guilty about sexual activity, or about a relationship. It really sounds like manual sex was not something you wanted to do, and that you didn't feel comfortable saying no in the moment.

Have you talked to your boyfriend - aside from issues of pregnancy worries - about what kinds of sex you are or aren't feeling ok with right now? If you haven't, is that a conversation you think you could have together, so you're both on the same page in the future? Are there other issues in this relationship that make you unsure of it?

It sounds like your anxious-brain is wandering down a lot of worst-case scenarios right now, thinking about how a pregnancy would cause a lot of problems for you. I'm wondering if you can't turn that narrative around a bit - having had this scare, can you think of ways you can move forward to avoid another in the future? That might involve increasing the amount of communication about sex you have with your partner, setting clear limits around what kinds of sexual activities you're comfortable with, and being aware of what birth control options you have and how to get them.

[cutewhiskas]

Hi, Mo

I don't have access to mental health support now, cause I can't afford it... I lost my job a couple of months ago, and an appointment is really expencive where I live. But I'm really thinking about asking a friend to help me out with it.

I've read that article! it helped me a little, but got me worried about my anxiety and not beign able to look out for help right now. yeah, everything seems to bring more and more concern :/
I really didn't want it. we were having a really bad day and I just thought that maybe if I could just forget about the problems for a bit and let things happen, it would be good for us... it just made things worse, specially for me. I keep on thinking about how stupid I was, that if I said no back on that day, I wouldn't be that mess I am today. I really regret not having the power to speak up and just say no. I feel ashamed.

I've talked to him about not saying no when I didn't want thing to happen, he apologized for that day. But we didnt really talked about the kinds of sex... it just seems like everything I feel about him, or everytime I think about our future, it all passes through a "filter of fear" in my mind, and I can only think about that day all over again and how I'd be stuck with him if I was pregnant and that I won't even have the option of leaving him or not. It's like I can't make a decision while that problem exists. I don't know if I sound confusing, it's just that I can't think aside of that problem, it's been in my mind everyday for weeks now.

I'm trying to distract myself from it, watching movies or reading books, or just ignoring everything about it. It helps me a little, I feel better for awhile, but it's like if 30 minutes later I get back into it. And about the birth control, since I can't afford to get an appointment with a gyno now, I'll talk to my boyfriend about putting a condom on everytime we get into any kind of sexual activity. I'd probably feel way better haha

[Ashleah]

Hi Cutewhiskas,

From what you've said it still sounds like you are feeling some uncertainty about your relationship with your boyfriend? Is that correct?