envy in a cis/trans poly relationship

[arctostaphylos]

I have a poly jealousy negotiation issue that has me a little stumped.

And actually, since it has me stumped, and since this website gets a huge volume of complex questions, I'll start with this: I'd love some pro-tips for finding a trans and poly-friendly therapist in the SF Bay Area who accepts Medi-Cal. I've found therapy really awesome and helpful in the past, but it's frustrating to me when trainees graduate from their programs and I have to find someone new. I'd love to have more continuity and to see someone who is more experienced.

That aside (and seriously, if you're able to provide resource-finding tips that'd be amazing, navigating Medi-Cal is a pain in the butt), I'm struggling with navigating feelings of envy and jealousy that come up when my partner seems to have better luck with sex and dating than me. He's a cis guy and I'm a trans guy and both of us are primarily attracted to other men. Even though I'm very lucky to be in the Bay Area, I find it pretty hard to navigate the queer male dating scene as a trans guy - within the gay male community, I often feel invisible or undesirable, or else like I'm a fetish object. I get frustrated with the seeming rarity of queer guys who a) find me attractive and b) be interested in me as a human being, not specifically because I'm trans.

My partner, on the other hand, is usually dating a few other guys and gets new dates once a month or so. While his success at finding partners isn't the cause of my challenging feelings, it sometimes feels like a reminder to me that having a trans body can complicate things. I guess what I'm technically experiencing is envy, not jealousy, since I don't really feel like my relationship is threatened. While I know intellectually that my self-worth is not determined by how many people want to date or have sex with me, sometimes it's really hard to get over that sense of envy (especially when my partner is off with a new fling).

Anyway, I haven't met many trans guys who are rooted in the queer male community or who share this experience - I'm wondering if folks here might be able to point me towards some helpful resources or otherwise offer a few words of wisdom.

And if this question is out of scope for these boards, that's cool too - talking this stuff out with a therapist is more of a long-term goal for me.

Thanks!

[Sam W]

Hi arctostaphylos

We should be able to at least get you started on finding a long term therapist (and I hear you on Medi-Cal. California bureaucracy is like normal bureaucracy plus one). Do you go to or use resources from any of the LGBT organizations in the bay area? Are there ones you would trust to refer you to a therapist?

Hopefully some trans folks can weigh in on this as well, but I'll just say a few words about jealousy. Jealousy is one of those sticky emotions where we often know it's bogus but find it hard to shake. We have an article I really like on managing jealous feelings: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... ed_monster . Beyond that, something I always say to people is that dating and finding folks to hook up with has way more to do with luck than a lot of people think it does. That doesn't mean luck is the only factor, but it's what is needed for you and someone you're interested in (and who's interested in you) to be in the same place at the same time.

[arctostaphylos]

Thanks. With respect to therapists, the thing that's stumping me is finding someone licensed. Trainees are really easy for me find and I've seen several (and most of the queer organizations I've asked about therapy only have trainees), but I find it really frustrating trying to work with folks who are inexperienced and maybe not totally comfortable seeing clients. I got lucky and saw an awesome trainee for a while, but when he became an intern his rate went up from $10 a session to $125 a session (and interns cannot take insurance).

Anyway, places like the Pacific Center and Queer Life Space only have trainees and interns - I'm looking for a way to find someone who is actually licensed. If you know of a queer non-profit that has more experienced folks on staff, I'm totally open to that, but else, I'm probably going to be trying to find someone who is private practice.

[Sam W]

Totally understandable (also WTF with not letting interns take insurance). Have you ever gotten services from the Tom Waddell clinic in SF? Last time I looked they offered mental health services, and had experienced counselors on staff : https://www.sfdph.org/dph/comupg/oservi ... trInfo.asp

[arctostaphylos]

Tom Waddell is a SF public health center and I would have to choose it as my "medical home" to receive services there. Since I live in Alameda County I'm technically only supposed to have a medical home in Alameda County, though I managed to get myself "grandfathered" in to a SF public health center I went to before my Medi-Cal changed. That being said, last time I checked, SF clinics tend to offer short-term therapy only, mostly cognitive behavioral (though that could have totally changed, I haven't lived in San Francisco for a couple of years).

(I volunteer at a free clinic and do HIV testing, counseling, and referrals, so I have a pretty good sense of where these kinds of resources are - I kind of feel like the specific service I want might be a unicorn hunt, which is why I'm reaching out for advice.)

[Sam W]

Argh, that really must be frustrating (jedi high five however for the volunteering you do. That's rad!). I'm going to do a little more digging to see if there's a resource that's hiding, but you've clearly done a lot of research into this and it may indeed prove to be a unicorn hunt.

I also left a note for one of our volunteers to come chat with you on this thread when he has a second, since he is also a trans guy living in the bay area and can likely give you some awesome advice.

[Mo]

Hi there arctostaphylos!

Have you explored the TM4M events that the API Wellness Center sponsors? I have not been to any, so I can't vouch for the atmosphere at all, but I've talked to guys who went, enjoyed themselves, and found it to be a fun time. I do think there's a pretty good number of queer trans men in the area; even if you don't find partners at an event like this it might be worth going just to find some friends or contacts who might be in a similar boat in terms of dating. Finding a support/discussion group could be helpful as a way to make connections too, even if you don't feel like you need a lot of direct support otherwise. I have experience with the one at the API center in SF and the Pacific Center in Berkeley but haven't been to either in several years so I don't know what the makeup of either of those groups is now.
I know some trans folks who've had a lot more luck finding dates online than through in-person events, even in cities with large queer communities, because they can have a bit more control over disclosure and screening potential dates beforehand. I don't know if that's something you've tried, but it could be worth a look.

I'm wondering if there are ways your partner could make sure to be showing you that he values you, finds your body desirable, etc. when you're feeling bummed that you're not having luck finding dates, or if you feel lonely or a bit down knowing he's off having fun. I think a lot of poly relationships will have stretches of times like this, where there's a mismatch in terms of how easy people are finding it to find other partners and make connections. If your boyfriend's caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, or just the potential for one, that might make it tougher to ask him for some extra reassurance or attention, but maybe that's something y'all can discuss.