Something is Wrong

[wishcoulddelete]

So, if you all remember me from a few months ago, I see no need to provide much of a "backstory", so lets get into it. I don't know how or why I did it, but I was able to masturbate to climax, but something was wrong. I don't know what, but something just felt wrong. I don't know why I did it, it just happened, and when it happened, I couldn't think, I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything, and I was terrified. It felt like getting shocked over and over and over by jolts of electricity, physically and emotionally. Everything just felt so wrong. Any idea what happened/why this happened? Sorry for being repetitive, I'm just really freaked out.

[Sam W]

Hi Truejustice,

Okay, let's back up just a little. When you thought about orgasms prior to this, how did you expect them to feel? And with the orgasm you had that freaked you out, was it a painful sensation?

[wishcoulddelete]

I expected it to feel calming yet really envigorating, if that makes any sense. And no, it wasn't painful persay, but it definitely wasn't enjoyable in any sense of the word.

[Sam W]

Ah, okay. Orgasms are one of those things that vary from person to person, and even from day to day for a given person. So it's hard to say why yours felt why it did. When we generally think about orgasms, we think about a build up in tension followed by a release (and some involuntary muscle spasms). The calming feeling associated with orgasm generally happens after that release.

You may find that this article helps you work out what was happening with your body: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide . But ultimately, if you didn't find this pleasurable, then it's okay to focus on other forms of sexual pleasure besides orgasm.

[wishcoulddelete]

Thank you very much for your input. I will check out the article.

[wishcoulddelete]

Apologies for the double-post, but there's another part I forgot to mention. Even pre-climax, it wasn't pleasurable. I was just doing the motions for whatever reason and then there was violent shaking in my body leaving me immobile at climax and that's the full extent of it all.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! That does sound like a not terribly pleasant experience. When you were engaging in that, were you mentally aroused? In other words, was your brain into it too, or was it truly just your body going through the motions?

[wishcoulddelete]

I wasn't really thinking while it happened, so no, I was just going through the motions and it happened without me expecting it at all.

[Sam W]

That may be part of why you didn't find it pleasurable. Our brains are our biggest sexual organ, and if they're not engaged in and enjoying what our bodies are doing, sexual activities (solo or partnered) are unlikely to feel super good. But, again, if this was not something you enjoyed, you get to simply not do it again.

[wishcoulddelete]

That's interesting. I always thought it was a physical feeling, not mental. I was definitely very guilt ridden afterwards, so that most likely prevented a lot of pleasure.

[Sam W]

Yep, orgasm and pleasure has a huge mental component. You might find this article interesting on that front: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
Plus, if you have some thoughts or beliefs about sex that might make you feel guilty, you're right that can take pleasure away too.

[wishcoulddelete]

Ah. Well, then I guess I'm stuck where I am. I'm just gonna let myself pretend everything that happened was an hallucination to alleviate the guilt. Thanks for informing me through this!

[Heather]

You do know that's not the way to process feelings of guilt so you can actually work through them and not just feel guilty every time you express your sexuality, right?

[wishcoulddelete]

My apologies, bur I personally fail to see another method to alleviate the guilt.

[Heather]

People who experience guilt generally learn to process, manage and alleviate it by acknowledging it, finding its source (like, for example, guilt that can come from a given religious upbringing), then intellectually and emotionally challenging it as best they can, as often as it comes up, as a practice. Same goes for them engaging in emotional self-care around it.

Over time with that kind of process, it will basically lose its power, more and more. And over time, when it does come up, it also won't tend to hit as hard, because you'll be able to recognize it as something that isn't healthy for you more easily, and just let it go with more ease.

[wishcoulddelete]

I know my upbringing is completely baseless and worthless, yet it still gets to me no matter how utterly wrong I know it is.

[Heather]

This isn't anything instant, or that someone is going to manage to accomplish when a) they're still living in it like you are, and b) this isn't work they have been doing solidly, and with a lot of intention, for a good long time. I'd say at least months before you're likely to start to experience what feels like a shift.

So, I assure you, from knowing what we know about you so far, this really isn't a process you've really even started beyond the first step of acknowledging feelings of guilt (and shame and fear, all things you've talked about with us) and knowing that they're not coming from a place that's healthy for you or others. Now is the part where you start to challenge them as much emotionally as you do intellectually, and do the best you can to let go of some of this a little bit each day. Once you're away from the place (your home) where this all happens outside your control, you aren't soaking in it all every day as you do, and even just start to find ways to become more independent and be away from home more while you still live there, it'll be easier and you'll likely experience some much bigger shifts.

[wishcoulddelete]

I'll try. Thank you for bringing me to my senses.