Scarleteen

First off, I would like to say that I am sort of a feminist. I am all for equal rights for everyone and anyone and hate how women are treated. I think it is absolutely disgraceful that women constantly endure horrible things just because of the gender they were born with. So this is why I am really angry with myself.

I have noticed it for a while but it didn't become clear enough to me until very recently. The other day I went with my family to a dance show that my younger brother was performing in. A lot of the performances that were leading up to my brother's performance featured women/girls around my age (14, 15, 16, 17 etc.). During all of them, but especially the hip hop ones for some reason, I felt something I have not felt before. It wasn't really sexual, like "I want to fuck her". But it felt like that a bit. The closest word to define it would be that it was "attractive". Seeing those girls pull off amazing dance moves and the way they did it (which seemed sexy especially since they were in tight outfits) made me feel something. I don't know if I was sexualizing a non-sexual thing. This kind of leans into my main question.

I feel like, in general, I sexualize women. No matter where I look, women are sexualized (Movies, ads, music etc.) and I think this might be affecting me. If I see a woman in a swimsuit or bikini, it looks sexy and I think (briefly) sexual thoughts. If I see a woman doing yoga, jogging with no bra, leaning over in tight pants etc. I think it is sexy and I think sexual thoughts. Is this normal and if not, how can I reduce or eliminate that feeling? I feel wrong doing it since it contradicts what I believe in and makes me a hypocrite.

Hi Jackojacko,

You're right that western culture has a tendency to sexualize nearly everything women do. And it's sound to avoid replicating that tendency in your own life. But, that doesn't mean that thinking someone is sexy is inherently wrong or unfeminist. Think of it this way: let's say you're at the gym, and you see a girl who you think is sexy. It's okay to think she's sexy. Where it tips into not okay is if you assume that she's at the gym just to be sexy where you can see her, or that the fact you think she's sexy entitles you to her attention (or makes it okay for you to stare at her and make her uncomfortable).

In other words, if you're someone who experiences sexual attraction, odds are you'll find people sexy in situations that are decidedly non-sexual. That happens to most people, and thinking someone is attractive doesn't mean you're dehumanizing them. The issue is if you start to see women as only existing for your sexual pleasure, or that everything they do is inherently sexual because you find them sexy. It also becomes an issue if your desire to keep observing the sexy person, or tell them their sexy, trumps their boundaries. Does that make sense?

Yes it does, thanks.

You're welcome