Scarleteen

I'm a virgin and I don't want to have sexual intercourse anytime soon. However, im at the doctors next week about something else and am wondering whether to ask about the pill. Although I'm not planning on having sex anytime soon (I'm not ready), I'm considering the pill becasue what little sexual contact I have had with my bf in the past results in anxiety about pregnancy and I'm too scared about pregnancy risks to have more sexual contact such as fingering or dry humping. In a way, starting the pill for this sort of activity seems a bit OTT and my friend said it's not worth the side effects unless youre actually having sex. Although I know the risks of pregnancy from outercourse are low, it still makes me very stressed (e.g. if I give my bf a handjob i have to wash my hands lots and am even scared to touch the toilet roll when going to the loo straight after. Etc. I know this is probably paranoia.) I don't know whether to get a prescriptionfor the pill and either start on it or have a think (prescriptions last 6 months right?), Seeing as I'm at the doctors for something else anyway, or whether to leave it for now. I also don't know what to say to the doctor and how much detail to go into. Thank you!

Hi Anon87,

Whether or not to go on birth control is up to you, and whether or not you feel like any side effects would be worth feeling more comfortable. Too, you can't really know what side effects you'll get, because people react to birth control methods in different ways. If you are considering birth control, I really encourage you to go through this piece and read about the options you're interested in: Birth Control Bingo!

As for how to talk to your doctor about this, being direct is the way to go. You can just say that you're interested in starting birth control because, even though you're not engaging in anything that can cause pregnancy at the moment, you'd like to be prepared and safe if the situation arises.

I didn't ask in the end but after further anxiety around sexual contact, I am now seriously considering asking about the pill as any worry (rational or not) about pregnancy causes me so much stress and that makes me unhappy. I've seen a lot of posts saying that if you experience anxiety due to such contact that it means you're not ready for it, and I'd agree. However, in the heat of the moment I do want to do stuff. I decided instead of looking into the pill I wanted to stop sexual contact with my bf as its not worth the anxiety and stress, but this is harder than I thought at times because in the heat of the moment it means not doing what you suddenly want to do. I still don't want to have sex though that's for sure. How do you know if you are ready for sexual contact or not when it causes so much anxiety, yet when you decide not to engage with it, you sometimes actually want to in the heat of the moment ? The pill seems like a big step in a way, especially as i don't plan on having sex.

In your case, it's sounding to me like a good place to start might be making two lists for yourself: one, of what sexual things you have found you do have a very strong desire to engage in, and then two, which of those things you do feel good about, including feeling comfortable with, rather than scared of.

When you do that, what is on that list: anything?

Hmm I'd have to have a think about that. But, just sitting here on my own I'd feel more comfortable not engaging in such activities with my bf as I wouldn't have to worry and id be more calm (in this way things were more simple before that line was crossed). However, when I'm with him I feel different in the heat of the moment and want to do stuff (so it's kinda like my brain is thinking different to my body). so I either resist what I want in that moment because i know I'll only worry (my bf thinks I worry irrational about situations that arent risky and thinks i have anxiety) ,or I engage in what I want at that moment and worry later. So it seems that not doing anything is harder said than done.

So, am I getting it right that you can't really think of anything -- any way of exploring sexual feelings physically, which includes things like masturbation, making out, not just sex with a partner or general sex -- that you both want/enjoy AND doesn't result in anxiety for you?

If so, can I also ask if you experience anxiety in or with any other part of your life?

Can I also ask if you feel supported by your boyfriend in this? In other words, is he being great about you not wanting to have any kind of sex right now and accepting of your feelings, rather than, say, declaring them irrational or making them seem foolish? Is he exerting any kind of pressure at all right now, too, like initiating any kind of sex with you after you have told him you want to back away from that for now?

Well kissing is fine. Its just other stuff where sometimes I over-think it, like was pre-cum on a hand, etc etc. Hes very nice and fine with it. I do tend to over-think things.

So, kissing is something you have on the list you enjoy and also feel comfortable with. Anything else? And does the anxiety you are having with some kinds of sex also occur with masturbation, or only with contact with a partner?

Too, it would still be helpful to know if you experience anxiety in other areas of your life, or if it's only happening around sex.

Well the anxiety is about pregnancy risks so just anything that makes me think could sperm somehow have been involved I guess. I just over-think it probably because a lot of the times ive worried haven't even been risky.

Okay, so I hear you saying you don't experience anxiety in any other area of your life, which makes pretty clear this isn't about a general anxiety disorder (which it sounds like your boyfriend was suggesting).

It also seems clear that you simply aren't yet comfortable engaging in any kind of sex that carries either realistic potential pregnancy risks or that you have the idea may carry those risks, even if and when it doesn't, in reality.

The good news here is that it sounds like there are some things you can do to express no explore sexual feelings with a partner when you have them, and all you probably need to do is just figure out which things they are and really stick to those things. Not doing things you aren't comfortable with doesn't mean you can't follow or pursue sexual desires when you feel them, it just means that you have some things that work for you with that, and some that don't, and you just need to stick to the things that do work for you, and that you are comfortable with.

Am I getting it right that sometimes you are finding it difficult to stay away from sexual things you know don't work for you? If so, can you tell me a little about what you think is making that challenging for you?

For example, I can't eat most kinds of cheese. But I like cheese, and sometimes something with it seems very delicious. But, of course, I know that if I eat it, the headaches, hives or stomach pains I can get will be sooooo not worth it. However, I have done a lot of exploring and experimenting to find substitutes for cheesy-things that are ALSO delicious, and that I can have without any badness. I also know how too well that momentary satisfaction simply isn't worth what comes after. I have learned, in my life, how to avoid impulsive decisions. But if I didn't have those substitutes, hadn't fully explored them to really dig into them (or saw them as a bummer, rather than as a way to get what I want in a way that works for me), wasn't supported in them fully by others I share meals with, had not made efforts to learn how not to make important choices impulsively, or couldn't keep my eye on the bigger picture, it would be hard for me, instead of generally being pretty easy.

So would the pill be the wrong step do you think? Yes it just gets heated in the moment. Is it damaging in any way though to keep wanting to do things and then ignoring it (due to the anxiety afterwards). I was thinking if I ignore these feelings now, when I actually am ready to act on them will I then no longer feel them because I'm used to not acting on them sort of thing? kissing often can lead to more.

Nope! I think all of this is about you figuring out what you need for yourself with this. If a method of contraception feels like one thing that can help you manage all of this, I trust your own sense of yourself and your life with that.

That said, it is unlikely to be an easy, quick fix for this, especially all by itself. Check the boards to see how many people feeling like you have still come back with the same or similar levels of anxiety. It might help somewhat, but you are going to need to do other things too, like just respecting your own needed pace and where you're at with your emotional readiness. A pill can't make you feel ready.

Doing sexual things someone continually feels very scared or anxious with doesn't generally net positive results, no. Not for themselves or as a dynamic in their sexual relationships. Again, I feel like there is a divide here between what you want to be ready for and what you actually ARE ready for. I get it's frustrating, but it is only going to be more so if you won't accept where you are and work with that. Any sense of why you are having such a hard time just getting okay with where you're at right now?

Kissing doesn't "lead" to anything by itself. The only way any kind of mutually consensual sexual contact/expression happens is when everyone involved chooses to engage in those things.

Is what you are saying that if and when you are kissing, you feel like you can't control your own - not your boyfriend's, but yours - actions after? That you are struggling with stopping yourself from initiating sexual activities you know you don't feel comfortable with?

I guess in the heat of the moment, kissing can sometimes lead to me wanting to take things further at that time.

Okay, so a starting point may be to figure out a way to pause and redirect in those moments so that you stay where you feel comfortable. Because it sounds like in the heat of the moment you end up moving past where you feel comfortable and then feel anxious afterwards. Do I have that right?

This article might be helpful too, since it addresses some of what it sounds like you're experiencing: When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

Yes I think that would be a good idea. Thank you. So, just pausing? Maybe as well that would stop me over-thinking afterwards stuff like 'was pre-cum on my hand when I touched there'... etc and freaking out about pregnancy.

More or less. The pause is there to give you the chance to remind yourself of the limits you set for yourself and why you set them. Is that something you feel would be manageable for you (and something you'd feel comfortable telling your partner about)?

Yes I think it's a good idea. Thanks

You're welcome

Can I also try again to get a clearer idea of what, exactly is happening here when you move from doing something you do feel comfortable with to something you may feel a desire for, but know you are not comfortable doing? It would be easier to give you the right advice if I knew.

So, for example: there you are, making out. Then YOU feel a sexual desire to do something sexual you are not comfortable with. What happens next? Are YOU then, yourself, initiating whatever that is with your boyfriend? And if so, are you asking him about doing that together, or just doing it?

OR...

There you are, making out. Then YOU feel a sexual desire to do something sexual you are not comfortable with. But you don't do or initiate doing that thing yourself, instead, your boyfriend does, and then you do that thing. And if so, is he asking you about doing that together, or just doing it without asking?

I'm not sure really. It's a joint decision I guess. But at the time it's happening I do feel comfortable with it. Its afterwards I'll start worrying.

Do you mean you both always do the same sexual thing at the exact same time? (That seems awfully unlikely.) Or do you mean you both ask to do it at the same time all the time (which also seems unlikely)?

Or, in the event that, for whatever reason, you feel like you just don't have any sense at all of what has been happening, to the point it feels like something happening TO you, rather than something you are actually yourself doing, let's try this: when either of you wants to do something sexual with the other, are you both asking, in words? Or are one or both of you just doing things without asking?

(I don't mean to grill you here, btw, it's just super hard to advise someone on making sexual choices who can't describe how they usually make them in the first place.)

Well, I suppose one of us would move our hands. Like, we wouldn't discuss it out loud, unless we said no I guess.

Okay. Knowing you two aren't doing any talking/asking at all during sexual interactions (not talking during sex is what is often shown in movies or TV, but not usually how it is for people having any kind of sex they enjoy and feel good about in real life) clears up some of the mystery here for me.

This is one of the big reasons you're feeling like it's hard to slow things down. And probably also part of why sexual activity feels out of control for you sometimes, and like something that happens to you instead of something you are actively doing.

Active consenting - using words - is so, so important. Every sexual interaction or relationship should have it. It also comes with some extra bonuses, and that includes making it waaaaaay easier to pause, slow things down, and make better choices for ourselves.

Would you like to talk about how to do consenting, and talk to your partner about changing things so it IS always a part of your interactions?

I mean, we do talk a bit. In what way should we be talking more?

We discuss it afterwards too and stuff. It is consented.