Scarleteen

Having mental illness doesn't mean anyone can't still pursue and be in relationships just like those without. Mental illness doesn't disqualify anyone from intimacy with others.

But it certainly presents some issues and needs to manage that can be unique. For instance, people with chronic anxiety often find some parts of sex trigger their anxiety, and that they need to manage anxiety around that.

Just like with any kind of illness, most of the heavy lifting and management of that illness always needs to be from the person with it themselves, with, ideally, support from any partners.

But where's the line with that? How do you figure that out? (Or are you feeling totally clueless and lost?) How do you sort out what's fair to ask and what isn't? What's healthy in terms of boundaries? How do you set your relationships up so that everyone involved feels able to either ask for help -- or put limits on what's being asked AS help -- without guilt?

No matter what side of this you've been on (or if you've been on both sides, which isn't all that uncommon), have you had times where this has gone well? What were they like? Times when it did NOT go well or work at all? What were those all about?

I've definitely been on both sides of this. One of the places where boundaries and communication needed hashing out was my partner checking to see if I needed help. The symptoms of my "bad days" have a lot of overlap with how I act when I'm tired or focusing really hard on a project, or how I act in social occasions when I decide to sit and listen rather than really engage in conversation. My partner can't always tell the difference, which makes him anxious. This can result in a pattern where he keeps checking to see if I'm okay when I'm totally fine, and I get annoyed with him (which sets off my anxiety).

We've figured out a few solutions to this issue. One has been me learning to get better at vocalizing when something is wrong, so he's not stuck guessing. We've also started using code words, both at gatherings and when we're at home. If one of us says the code word, it means we need a break from the space or are feeling overwhelmed. It's been surprisingly effective at cutting down the number of the "are you sure you're okay?" "yes I'm fine stop asking" fights.