Scarleteen

I think many of us go into our first romantic relationships with expectations that are not always realistic. This probably has less to do with us being silly and more to do with the images and stories about relationships that we grow up with.

The thing I needed a reality check on when I was younger was the idea that your partner should never be friends with any of their exes. I thought any kind feeling towards the ex meant they were not over the relationship. But I learned that this wasn't the case, and my relationship was a lot better for it.

What about you all? What were some expectations of yours that got challenged in your relationships?

The idea of "ride or die", basically meaning you stick it out in a relationship no matter the circumstances. This never really made much sense to me, but I would try to convince myself that loving someone was always enough even if the relationship lacked trust, respect,appropriate boundaries, etc. At a point, engaging in a relationship this way can become a detriment to self. Once I felt comfortable with letting go of this idea, I was able to have healthier relationships (and leave those that were not).

I initially thought that I could just say "do you want to go out with me?", get a yes, and BAM, I'd be in A Relationship, and both of us would have the same understanding of what the relationship was, what we wanted out of it, what being a dating partner meant to us, etc. I didn't have any conversations about what sort of relationship I wanted with someone else until halfway through my junior year of college, and the difference in terms of relationship quality & healthiness has been very clear.

I needed a reality check on all of the above. I mean first of all, I hadn't even CONSIDERED the fact that there was even the need for "an understanding of what the relationship was". Like, we're boyfriend and girlfriend?!? What more is there to say?!? Ha, little did I know...

I also totally stuck with relationships that were in no way a good fit or even healthy, because of the message that relationships "take work" and that "love conquers all". Turns out healthy boundaries and respect actually conquer all! Woo!

I ALSO needed a reality check about the speed at which relationships can go -- it was basically like "I ask if they want to go out with me, they say yes, we're in a relationship, I therefore must dedicate all of my time and energy every waking second of every day thinking about them, being around them, or talking to them. Also we are in love". So I got way, WAY too emotionally invested in relationships way too fast, which just further amplified the problem of feeling like you should stick with a relationship even if it's not working.