Scarleteen

When you think about the sexual experiences (whatever they have been) in your life so far, including sex with only yourself...

And you think about the very best of those experiences: what made them so great?

How about when you think of the worst, or even just the utterly blah, of them: what made them so awful, or if not awful, so unsatisfying?

I think my best and worst experiences reflect two sides of the same coin, now that I think about it.
The worst sexual experiences I had were ones in which I didn't feel free or comfortable to really communicate how I was feeling and what I wanted, either because I wasn't ready or the dynamics of the relationship set up a situation where I didn't feel confident or comfortable speaking up. And that led to me feeling tense or like I was putting on a performance, and sometimes it put me in a position where I later felt uncertain about how well I'd actually been able to consent.

In contrast, my best sexual experiences have been ones in which there was a mutual vibe of communication and openness, and I felt really free to talk about what I wanted without a fear of judgment. I find that if I start laughing at some point during sex, that's often a sign of something really fantastic happens - it means I'm feeling incredibly relaxed and safe.

I definitely have a pattern here, and it's also a 2-sides of the same coin thing!

(I'm not including assault here, because the frameworks we use at Scarleteen have sex and assault in wildly different places, and it's also in my own experience that assault wasn't in the same plane of existence as sex.)

For me, great sex has been when partners have been able and willing to bring their honest self (or at least, the relevant part of their honest self) to the interaction, and have unambiguously wanted to be there with me. That can look like all kinds of things, from "this is a one-time thing" to "this is the first time I've tried this" to "I'm feeling insecure" to "so, you're not into the things I usually like...".

Rubbish sex, or awful sex, has been when partners haven't brought their honest self, or haven't been able to be in touch with their honest self. Several plain "meh" experiences when people, as far as I can tell, weren't whole-heartedly excited about being there with me, or felt conflicted in some way about it, or weren't sharing what they'd like or what they wanted out of the experience. One set of awful experiences with a then long-term partner who didn't love me any more but hadn't got round to telling me that, so I thought they did still (well, they still said it, so of course I did): rubbish sex, and awful and confusing emotional experiences because of the difference between what the situation was supposed to be and what I was picking up; that messed with my head and hurt for a very, very long time. Seems I'm 100% comfortable about sex with people who I don't love and who don't love me, but deeply and profoundly hurt by sex with someone who supposedly loves me but doesn't - I figure that fits into the general picture of "is this honest and real?" One set of confusing and mind-messing experiences - and meh sex - with a partner who wasn't able to identify and own what they wanted, but wanted things to be sexy and okay anyway.

It works the same for me solo, too: if I'm not whole-heartedly into it, even if I want to, it's meh and does weird and confusing things to my brain.

I have to say the worst is usually when people are spacing out. Like, it doesn't feel as though my partner is fully engaged (or I feel like I'm off somewhere else). Communication and spontaneity tend to go out the window in moments like that.

The best sex is the opposite of that. Both of us are really engaged in what we're doing and there's a lot of communication. That tends to lead to sex feeling really good physically, because we're being touched in the ways that feel the best in that moment. For me, good sex is also fun. As in smiling, laughing, obvious signs that everyone is enjoying themselves.

I'm really with Redskies on this one. The worst sex I've had has always been when whoever I was with was not being completely honest with me. I think communication is so supremely important in sex and when one person is holding back or isn't communicating it makes everything so much less enjoyable. And then of course my best experiences have been when there was plenty of open and honest communication before, during and after everything.