Is it possible?

[GG07]

Is it possible not to feel anything during sex? I know that probably sounds weird, and I don't know if it was because this guy had a small penis or if maybe he just didn't get it in, but I couldn't really feel anything and it was my first time. Is that even losing my virginity?

[Jacob]

Hi GG,

It sure is possible if it happened to you! Virginity means different things to different people so really that part is up to you.

It sounds like you didn't quite know what was going on between you when you were having sex GG so I wonder if a bit more communication might help. When something we are doing doesn't feel pleasurable we can always just try something else and it doesn't mean there is a problem.

That said, when you said you felt nothing, did you mean no pleasure, or no sensation at all, like the feeling of being touched? Has that been an issue when you've not been with a partner?

This article answers a very similar question to yours, hopefully it may help: I didn't feel a thing with fingering: is there something wrong with me?

[GG07]

Well I didn't feel anything emotionally or physically, and a few seconds later he was like cumming and I was just like so confused

[Jacob]

I'm just reading your previous thread about your boyriend seeming to be possessive.

Is this the same person we're talking about?

I'm sorry you had what sounded like a crappy and confusing experience.

When it comes to emotional connection, usually we're going to find that that's there before we have sex so it's unlikely we'd feel any big emotions during sex if there wasn't many feelings before it. So if that's what you're hoping for then maybe that's something to look for in a partner to feel close to, and who you can feel relaxed around.

On the physical side it comes down to communication, so doing things which feel nice which often might not mean penis-in-vagina sex, and discovering them through talking and listening.

Being able to feel and do those things with a partner, however, doesn't always seem possible and so it's also a good idea to consider, avoiding sex that doesn't include what really want from sex.

You mentioned feeling confused and are here looking for answers so i wonder if there's anyhting else you're doing to look after yourself after what sounds like a difficult experience?

Are you getting any other support?

[GG07]

No it's not the same guy, it's with this guy I wasn't really ready to have sex with, and after I still felt like a virgin and I thought it was wrong to feel like that

[Jacob]

I see!

To start with, I don't think any feelings are 'wrong' feelings... so if the sex you had didn't feel like it changed who you were or blew your mind, that's not the wrong way to feel, it might just be that the sex wasn't what you were expecting.

With virginity, there are so many expectations which float around our cuture that it can be hard to know what's real. In reality, virginity doesn't necessarily mean any change at all in a person, and plenty of people don't even think it's a useful term... You're not alone, many including myself remember that we didn't feel like we had 'lost' our virginities (or anything else) the first time we had some sort of sex. It's not your responsibility to feel something that isn't there and this is one of those situations where you can decide what the sex you have had means (or indeed) doesn't mean to you.

This article may be very helpful for you regarding virginity: 20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank

[GG07]

I honestly don't count that experience as giving or losing my virginity for many reasons, and I was raised by a Christian family. Is it okay to start all over and wait until I'm ready or marriage? Could I still tell people I'm a Virgin?

[Karyn]

That's totally up to you. Like Jacob said, and the article talks about, virginity is a social idea, not a physical or medical one, so you get to define it in whatever way you like and decide what it means to you.

[Redskies]

I'd just add to what Karyn said that for health reasons, it's important you let any healthcare providers know that you've had intercourse if they're asking about anything to do with sexual/reproductive health, and also to start with your routine sexual healthcare - including STI testing - if you haven't already. Bacteria and viruses don't care - and nor can they, as they're not sentient! - about the circumstances or how we feel about a sexual act, they only respond to the biology. So, you'll want to make sure that you're taking care of your own health and the health of any future partner. Did you and this partner use a condom?

About any future partner: we're not required to tell a partner details about our sexual history if we don't want to. However, it's important to give a potential sexual partner any relevant information for them to make decisions and take care of their own sexual health: for example, if we've had sexual contact or never had STI testing, it'd be wrong to tell a potential partner that we'd never had sexual contact or that we'd had testing. Too, usually it's much, much better to choose partners where we feel safe and able to be honest about ourselves and our histories; if we feel like we can't be, that's usually a big signal that something's wrong or that they're not a good fit as a partner for us. So, if you're a virgin according to what that means to you, you may well want to explain what that means to a future partner.

Just so you know, too: it's always okay to decide that you don't want to have sex, for any period of time, no matter what you've done in the past. Sex or not-sex isn't a one-way switch that you can never turn back to "no, thanks" or "no, thanks, for now"; you can turn the switch to wherever you want, as many times as you want, whenever you want.

You said you were raised in a christian family: sometimes, some christian outlooks can be a bit "you-can-never-go-back" about having sex. That's not true. I mean, you can't un-have sex that's already done, but having sex once or many times doesn't change who you are if you don't want it to, and doesn't change your worth as a person. You have the right to decide whether sex is or isn't right for you, with any particular person, at any particular time. We're big cheer-leaders for people always nixing sex that they don't feel ready for, that they don't really-really-very want, no matter how many previous partners they've had or however many times they've had sex. Of course you have the right to wait to have sex until whenever and whoever it feels truly right for you and you really-really want it

This piece on the main site might really help you out: Don't Want To Have Sex?

A LOT of sexual response - most of it - happens in the brain. You said you weren't really ready to have sex with this guy. If you weren't really into it, if you weren't feeling hell-yes-I-want-to-do-this, that'd explain a lot of why you didn't feel much. If the brain's in a "meh" place rather than a "yay sex!" place, we're probably going to physically feel a whole lot of "meh", and maybe even not feel very much at all.

As you said you didn't feel ready, can I check with you whether this was consensual? Did you feel like you were making the choice to have sex, and that you could also have made the choice not to?