I was stupid

[LovelyStar]

Okay so I'm transgender. I'm m2f and I'm 14. About a couple months ago I started having these thoughts and my curiosity on my sexuality grew. I am attracted to men and I started wondering if I was just a gay male. I went online and stupidly hooked up with an older guy and tried having sex. I didn't finished halfway through and left. During it I felt scared, lonely, and sad. Afterwords I went into a deep depression for an entire week. I didn't tell anyone because I was scared they would think less of me. And just yesterday I tried it again, I knew it was a horrible decision, I felt pressured by the guy and I met up but couldn't do it halfway again. I'm feeling lonely, scared, and useless again. I hate myself and I don't know what to do. I am transgender, and I know now to never get myself in these situations, but still I can't stop having bad thoughts and feeling depressed. Can somebody give me advice

[al]

Hi there LovelyStar,

What you're going through right now seems pretty difficult - let me start out by saying that it's a good thing that you're reaching out and seeking support. Coming to terms with one's own gender/sexual identity can be a pretty complicated and emotional process, and it can often be helpful to talk about it with others rather than trying to bottle it up or deal with it all on your own.
In terms of those "bad thoughts" you keep having, if what you're referring to is sexual thoughts about others, or thinking that men are attractive and fantasizing about them, they are a normal part of your development! Lots of young people experience those, especially when they're in the middle of puberty and still figuring out ambiguous things like gender identity or sexuality. There's nothing wrong with fantasy or masturbation, as long as you feel safe doing it on your terms.
In terms of your sexual experiences with those men, it seems like you're in the middle of processing and dealing with some guilt/shame about them. Have you told anyone else or talked to anyone about what you've been feeling since?

[LovelyStar]

I've told no one, and I feel so guilt and disgusting. I don't like thinking about those situations but I just can't get it out of my mind. I'm scared of my others might say. I just don't want to feel this way about it. I hate the fact I even tried doing those situations.

[al]

Again, it's a great thing that you're reaching out, because that's the first step towards not having to carry around so much guilt about what happened. I'm so sorry that those experiences are making you feel distressed- no one should have to feel bad about exploring their sexuality or who they are.
Have you thought about reaching out to any other anonymous, non-judgemental resources? We here at Scarleteen are always here to support you in terms of talking about your gender identity or sexuality, or how to take care of yourself when you're feeling upset, but it might be more helpful for you to talk to a more immediately-available professional counselor about some of these negative feelings you're having.
Have you heard of the Trevor Project or used their LifeLine? (866-488-7386)? They're a hotline specifically for queer/trans youth available 24/7 with trained nonjudgemental counselors. They might be able to talk with you a little bit more about what you've been feeling and direct you towards more resources in your area.

[Redskies]

Hi LovelyStar,

al's right, there are helplines that you could call if you wanted who would give you non-judgemental support and be people to talk with if you wanted. We're also very happy and able to talk through some of these big feelings you're having with you here, if you'd like.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so rough at the moment. It's hurting my heart a little that you're feeling guilty and disgusting about those experiences with those guys; for sure, it's clear from how you feel that doing those things was wrong for you, but you didn't do anything wrong. Does that difference make sense to you? You didn't do anything wrong by trying to figure out your self and identity and experiment in the way you did. When we do things, especially sexual things, from a place where we're feeling unsure or scared or lonely, that can often mean that the experience isn't good and give us some very big, very hard feelings afterwards. It doesn't mean that the sexual thing was wrong, it just means it wasn't what we needed at that point.

These kind of big, hard feelings can happen to anyone: sometimes, it's a complete surprise and we really couldn't have known that the sexual thing wasn't a good choice for us before we did it. Sometimes we did know, like it sounds you did the second time, and we went ahead anyway, perhaps because we didn't know how to get out of it, or perhaps we're hoping to find something or feel something in the experience that we want so much that we just go ahead and try anyway even though we know it's a bad idea. It's alright that you did that: you're human, and we do make bad choices sometimes against our better judgement. I hear that you felt pressured, too, and that's a big deal - I'm sorry he made you feel pressured, and you deserved and deserve better.

You can forgive yourself for trying something that turned out to make you feel bad. We all deserve to have that compassion for our own selves, for a start. Too, you were trying to figure out something very central and meaningful: your sexuality and gender identity. Sometimes, when the stakes feel very high, those high stakes can push us towards doing things we mightn't do otherwise. It does sound like you've taken away from these experiences what you can: that you are transgender, and that hooking up with guys to try to figure yourself out is very wrong for you at the moment, and makes you feel bad. There's value in learning those kinds of things about our self, a lot of value, so that we can do better by ourselves and try something different, something maybe emotionally healthier and safer, in the future. I'm just sorry that learning this right now has been so very painful.

Sometimes it can take a little time and support to move on from feeling guilty about a very wrong-for-us sexual decision. Would you like to talk more about that with us and get further guidance and support on any part of that? Would you like to talk more about your gender identity, or about how we might help you feel less alone in that?

[LaurenBacall]

"I didn't finished halfway through and left."

Hi LovelyStar! I just wanted to add onto what everyone else is saying with a small thing. There is nothing wrong with leaving a situation, sexual or otherwise, if you start to feel uncomfortable. Showing up somewhere is not equivalent to signing away your right to leave at any time. There is no obligation to "finish what you started," because that's not how sex works. Consent is continuous throughout the whole encounter, and can be changed at any time. You always have the right to leave, regardless of if the other person feels like what was happening was "finished" or not.

[Sam W]

Hi Laurenbacall,

Thank you for your reply to lovelystar! Just so you know for the future, this section of the boards is for staff/volunteer replies to users only.

[LaurenBacall]

Sorry!

[missmia]

Sometimes, something that is really useful that we can do is find communities where we can express these feelings. Maybe you're interested in looking into an online community for transgender people and perhaps hanging out with someone doesn't need to be sexual in nature. Maybe you can just meet a nice new friend

I would also encourage you to talk to a therapist about these feelings that you are having or someone at your school, like a school psychologist. Often, these people can offer you some resources on communities, school clubs, or just other people who are there to help you! I know that I loved the school psychologist when I was in middle school and it was nice to have someone just to talk to and have listen to me.

I hope this helps!

Miss Mia

[Carmen]

Hi Missmia,

Like Sam said before on this thread, thank you for your reply to lovelystar but just so you know for the future, this section of the boards is for staff/volunteer replies to users only.