Very unsupportive mother advice on how to deal

[Chubbybunny]

I don't know if this is normal behavior or what my mom has been saying and doing recently is okay but it hurts and it's causing me lots of stress. I think she's done and said things that definetly cross into the realm of abuse (emotional sometimes physical) but I don't wanna call it that because I don't think that's fair to abuse victims.
Ever since she found out I was sexually active she's been even more judgemental and shaming me every chance she gets. She kept barging into my room and just go sit in my bed while I was trying to sleep or just chill and she would go into a tirade about how she so ashamed of me and how she's not proud and how I should be ashamed. Now that I'm writing this out I guess this isn't abuse or atleast bad. It's just really concerning to me I guess. I have depression and generalized anxiety and when people get loud and upset at me over nothing it puts me in a state of panic-y stress. Like for instance whenever she goes on her rampage like yelling around the house at me I can't actually go to my room and lock the door and have a safe space. She took the locks of my door and only mine. None of my siblings. So whenever she's yelling and screaming at me I have to physically barricade/ stand and press my body against the door so she won't come in and attempt to like hit me or scream at me.

I guess that's normal for a mother who was raised to be old fashioned but she's done this serval times. She's randomly started arguments with me over it, called me names, ect. We've never had a good relationship. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I find when I tell her things in my life she doesn't understand or she's gets extremely judgemental like this yet gets upset that I don't speak to her anymore

She's upset because she thinks she has a right to know that I'm sexually active. I don't feel that way. I would have preferred to never tell her. Her reactions are so extreme to everything. Just last week she threatened to sue my boyfriends family over this because my boyfriends mother found out before she did. When his mother found out she wasn't supportive at first she realized that people will do what they want with their bodies and they have the right and she just told us to be safe about it and use protection. She's been nothing but sweet to me every time I see her. I felt so bad having to tell my boyfriend all the horrible things my mother had been saying about him his mother and me. I felt really bad to put him under stress too because over were I live our states age of consent is 18. Though we're both the same age now (17) his birthday is coming up and he's worried my mom might actually charge him with rape.

On the drive to actually get my birth control that I had been asking about for months she's just keep berating me over and over about how "nice girls don't do this" "I used to tell my co-workers how nice you were". It's really hurt. When we finally got to the clinic which happened to be planned parenthood they were so kind to me. When they made me fill out the paperwork their was this section on abuse and coercive behavior. I had to be truthful and stuff so when I filled that part out and the clinician took me back and asked about it thinking I had an abusive boyfriend or something I had to clarify it was my own mother. They didn't even know what to say to me at that point because that wasn't their cup of tea.

I guess this was more of just random ramblings and a rant and I'm sorry for that. I guess I'm just confused on how to deal with her at home. I mean it's died down now except for the that fact she works to make it known to everyone in the household that after I leave from a friends house or my boyfriends that I'm "back from a sexual escapade" it's really embarrassing and saddens me because I guess this isn't so much abuse but she just doesn't have any respect for me feeling or my choices.

[Sam W]

Hi Chubbybunny,

So, it's up to each person to decide what to call their experiences. If you don't feel comfortable calling this abuse, then you don't have to call it that. But if you're asking for my assessment of it, what your describing fits most (if not all) definitions of abuse. You don't feel safe in your own home, your mom goes out of her way to berate and shame you, and you're scared of her. The point at which you're using your body to barricade a door out of fear of what might happen, that's an abusive situation. She is doing this deliberately, and that is not okay. And I'm so sorry that's something you have to deal with, because it sounds awful.

The question then becomes: how would you like us to help you? We could talk about safety planning, or ways that you can avoid being around your mom as much as possible. We could also talk about different resources that might be able to help you out. Or, if you need some more time to process and vent, you're welcome to do that here too.

EDITED TO ADD: I might also recommend that you decide to take a break from sex until you're no longer living with your mother, as doing so might curb some of her awfulness (and might keep you safer)

Also, you mention you have siblings. Are they older or younger than you?

[Sam W]

One other thing you should know is that there is no state where the age of consent laws set at 18 don't allow for those who are 17. So there is no need to worry about rape charges (that's not to say your mom won't threaten them, but that she'd have no legal ground to stand on)