Scarleteen

Hi Scarleteen,

Do you have any resources on sexuality for autistic people? I am reading your articles like "Whoa there how to slow down when you're moving too fast" and "safer sex for the heart" but I'm not sure how to know if I feel like 'sex(ual activity) just happens' How is that different from going with what feels okay in the moment? And how can you (and your partner) predict what might or might not feel okay after the fact? I have looked on my own but everything I find is either meant for parents of autistic kids, or educators, but not autistic people ourselves, or, books that say things like that lesbian relationships are so full of drama and high emotions that their length is counted differently, like dog vs. human years.

It's only recently that I've realized that many of my questions/hesitations/confusions around sexuality are almost certainly due to my autism and I'm struggling to find resources to help.

Thanks for any tips!

Most of the resources around sexuality specifically written FOR people with autism are more about the social aspects of sexual relationships than the sexual ones, but I can certainly toss you some book titles I like I think fit some of the bill here if you'd like. It'd be extra helpful if you could clue me in on what specifically, if there's anything specific, you feel is a need because of your autism. For instance, is this about wanting more about sexual social skills? Or communication? Or do general sexuality books that are for or inclusive of queer people feel like they're missing something you need around your autism? If so, can you give me a sense of what that is?

But I can certainly also address some of your questions here.

am reading your articles like "Whoa there how to slow down when you're moving too fast" and "safer sex for the heart" but I'm not sure how to know if I feel like 'sex(ual activity) just happens' How is that different from going with what feels okay in the moment?

Feeling like any kind of sex is "just happening" means you feel passive in it: like it's something you're not an active part of, but which someone else is doing all of, just involving you. Does that make sense?

Going with what feels okay in the moment means you and anyone else involved are actively doing things, and are choosing to do and be part of any kind of sex BECAUSE it feels okay (and hopefully even better than just okay!) Unless, of course, you just mean going along with what someone else wants the whole time. Does THAT make sense?

And how can you (and your partner) predict what might or might not feel okay after the fact?

This is one of those things where you're both going to know what you know about what you have liked in the past, and feel you want at the time, and then see what happens from there. Obviously, if and when something is totally new, you're going to be leaning way more on the latter, and are then going to have to find out as you go what is or isn't working for you, and then adjust anything you want or need to based on that AS you go.

So, for example, let's say maybe someone has never engaged in oral sex before. But they are curious about it and feel a desire to try it with someone. Their partner wants to try, too. So, they are both going to do plenty of the active-engaging and checking in that's just part of consenting, but also how we feel things out as we go with something new, so we can all know if and when anyone involved wants to stop or change something up.