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Hey everyone! This is my first post, so don't judge if I sound pervy or something. Anyway, I'm a 13 year old teen, and I need help containing my sexual urge. I have watched and masturbated to porn, and it works, but I don't want to rely on that to release my sexuality. How can I do that in a safe way that won't hurt my future or religion? Thanks.

Welcome to Scarleteen, BobbyBlobfish. (Love the username, by the way.)

First off, you won't get any judgment here: this is a safe space to discuss pretty much anything related to all of the diversity and complexity of sexuality, masturbation included.

For the record, masturbation is something that most people do at some point, and it isn't something harmful. Porn is something that plenty of people also use, and again, isn't something that can really be called inherently unsafe. But people's personal feelings about masturbation and/or porn vary widely, and I'm hearing that one or both of those things is something you're not comfortable with.

Just so I'm clear, when you say that you don't want to hurt your future or religion, can you explain a bit more about that? What kinds of effects are you concerned that porn and/or masturbation will have?

I'm concerned that porn could hurt my future because first I've heard it's really addicting. Secondly, my mom and a few books say it could ruin future relationships by making your expectations for sex too high. I personally want to have a healthy and happy relationship with my future partner, and possibly have kids. I don't want that to be corrupted by porn. But I just want to see if there are any other ways to relieve my urge without porn. I don't have a problem with masturbation, but I want more variation in my sexual reliefs if you may call them that.

It's my understanding that the usual frameworks for addiction don't really apply to porn consumption (even though "porn addiction" has become a bit of a buzz phrase). It's certainly possible to consume porn in an amount or way that's harmful to one's life; that would fit more within a compulsion framework. It's possible to develop compulsions around just about anything, not just porn. The vast majority of people who consume porn won't become compulsive about it: that is, the vast majority of people will stay comfortably in control of the choices they're making around it, and not feel like they're missing out on other wanted or necessary parts of life because of their porn consumption.

Porn is a fictional portrayal of sex, and it's made with what it's going to look like to the viewer in mind rather than how it would feel to the people actually involved. The vast majority of it shows only a very narrow range of what sex can be like. If anyone's thinking that porn is an accurate portrayal of sex and expecting their own sex life to be similar to most porn, then they may well be confused and surprised in their own partnered sex life: thinking that most porn represents sex is a little like watching action movie sequences and thinking that that's what life generally looks like! I wouldn't say that porn makes expectations "too high": after all, real-life sex is very often friendlier, much more communicative, kinder, more full of laughter than most porn.

In a relationship or any partnered sex, if you're paying attention to your own feelings and wishes, and paying attention to any future partner and their wishes, rather than trying to recreate any fictional sexual entertainment you've seen - again, in the same way that you probably wouldn't go about your daily life as if you were in an action movie! - there's no real reason to be concerned that watching porn would "corrupt" any future relationships.

Plenty of people masturbate without consuming any porn, if that's what you're asking. Many people like to use their own imagination to create exactly the kind of scenario in their own head that they want, and/or enjoy their own self in the moment.

I've heard that porn is like as addicting as crack and cocaine.

Think about it this way: if porn was that addictive, anyone who watched it a couple of times would have a really, really, really difficult time stopping, and may even require professional help to stop. We know that's not the case because plenty of people consume porn from time to time without those issues. As Redskies said above, the porn issues we do see fall more into the compulsion category, where someone is doing it and not deriving any pleasure from it (and it's interfering with their lives).

Too, lots of people consume things that are pornographic but not visual. People read erotica, or written porn, fanfiction, or things like "50 Shades of Grey." If you're not comfortable watching porn, but are still looking for something other than your own imagination to help you out, written items might be an option.

Sam W wrote:Think about it this way: if porn was that addictive, anyone who watched it a couple of times would have a really, really, really difficult time stopping, and may even require professional help to stop. We know that's not the case because plenty of people consume porn from time to time without those issues. As Redskies said above, the porn issues we do see fall more into the compulsion category, where someone is doing it and not deriving any pleasure from it (and it's interfering with their lives).

Too, lots of people consume things that are pornographic but not visual. People read erotica, or written porn, fanfiction, or things like "50 Shades of Grey." If you're not comfortable watching porn, but are still looking for something other than your own imagination to help you out, written items might be an option.

One problem is my parents would find out if I got a book, and it's hard to find online. (for me, at least)

Hi BobbyBlobfish!

I'm happy that you're not concerned about masturbation itself. If porn is something you're feeling uncomfortable with I agree with Redskies and Sam. Written erotica can be a slightly different experience you could feel more alright with.

Typing "free online erotica" into a search engine should be a good start! Then it's just a case of looking for what you like.

Really all these things are a way to fantacise, so you also have the option of enjoying your own imagination which isn't to be underestimated. The brain is where all these sensations are already happening.

Jacob wrote:Hi BobbyBlobfish!

I'm happy that you're not concerned about masturbation itself. If porn is something you're feeling uncomfortable with I agree with Redskies and Sam. Written erotica can be a slightly different experience you could feel more alright with.

Typing "free online erotica" into a search engine should be a good start! Then it's just a case of looking for what you like.

Really all these things are a way to fantacise, so you also have the option of enjoying your own imagination which isn't to be underestimated. The brain is where all these sensations are already happening.

Okay, thanks for the help!

Im a 13 year old girl with the same problem. and i want to have sex alot right now! But i dont know how to stop it cause i WANT to have sex, but theres no-one that is near me to have it with me! help blobbyblobfish!

Hi there Korinna_Curtis,

It can definitely be frustrating to want sex and not have a partnered outlet for those feelings; lots of folks struggle with this. The same things we talked about upthread can apply to your situation too; it's totally fine to masturbate, if that's something you are interested in, when you're feeling a desire to have sex and don't have a partner (or just if you want to masturbate for its own sake, as plenty of people with sexual partners like masturbation as well). If you don't want to masturbate it might help to find something physical but nonsexual to do, whether that's taking a jog or dancing or playing sports with a friend.

I think this article might be a helpful read whenever you're thinking about partnered sex, as a way to make sure you have or have access to what you need to be ready for sex: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist