Abuse, Calling Out and Privilege

[plantsplants]

I was dating a guy for a few months this year and we broke up about a month ago. After we broke up, I realised (thanks to reading scarleteen!!!) that he had emotionally and sexually abused me (even after I had told him that I had been raped in the past, after I gave him multiple educational materials about full and active consent, and after I had attempted to initiate multiple conversations, in person and over email, about it as well). I've been in touch with the person he was dating before me, who told me that he'd acted very similarly in their relationship as well.

His ex and I are both foreigners who no longer live where he lives.

He is pretty prominent/publicly visible in the queer, trans and feminist activist scene where he's from/where he lives/where his ex and I used to live. (He's a QTPOC.) That scene is pretty frail, and under a lot of attack from wider societal shittiness, and he is one of the people that really keeps it going.

His ex hasn't really confronted him about this explicitly, but I did (before I moved and left the country): I had an in-person conversation with him where I clearly described his behavior to him. He immediately identified those behaviors as rape and abuse, burst into tears, said he wanted to stop being an activist and that he had become the type of person he hates the most who he never wanted to become. Because he had such an emotional reaction to the conversation, part of me hopes that means that he will make the effort to change his abusive behavior - but at the same time, he already betrayed my trust and treated me so badly so many times that I don't trust him to ever do the "right" thing at this point.

Also, his ex and I are both white people from pretty accepting countries who aren't trans (though we are both gender non-conforming). I also am fairly affluent and highly educated. He is none of those things - he's trans, poor, didn't finish his uni degree, is a person of colour from a country (and a family) with huge social stigma against Q and T people. His activism is pretty much the only thing that keeps him going.

Part of me wants to call him out publicly - because I got hurt and feel like it's my right to be open about what happened to me, because I don't want it to keep happening, because it feels like the right thing to do.

But part of me is really hesitant about this. This would definitely severely rupture the queer/trans scene in that country and those aren't implications I have to deal with, because I have enough privilege to gtfo of there and was never really part of that society enough to face their -phobias in the first place. And he has been through so much more difficulty than I ever have - which doesn't excuse him, at all, but it does make me more careful than I would otherwise be.

What should I do? What options do I have, besides staying quiet (which feels wrong and against my principles) or calling him out publicly (which I'm worried will be somehow unfair or have huge implications that I am privileged enough to not have to deal with firsthand)?

[Sam W]

Hi Plantsplants,

This is definitely a touchy situation, and you're clearly being thoughtful about it. There are a few different parts to address that might help you sort out what you want to do.

The first is that the choice you make needs to be one that you can live with. That doesn't mean one in which there are no consequences for you, but one in which can make your peace with whatever consequences come. If you're not seeing a counselor right now, it might be worth it to meet with one (even for only a few sessions) to give you a safe space to process your feelings around what's happening. Plus, that would give you space to manage any issues that resulted from the abuse.

The second is that even if he didn't mean to, this person has now abused two partners. Even if he did not do so intentionally, the fact that this has happened multiple times means he doesn't have a good sense of how his own behaviors are hurtful and unsafe, and he needs to step down from any position of leadership until he figures out how to not repeat those patterns.

Too, as much as I hate to say it (and obviously I could be wrong), I'm not so sure this was unintentional. He did this to two partners, so there's already a pattern. He continued to do things to you that were abusive after you talked to him about it and gave him resources to stop being that way. That's also a red flag to me, as it indicates either complete cluelessness or active disregard of what you were telling him. There's also the fact that it sounds like, when you confronted him, he turned the conversation to himself and how terrible he is. Did you end up having to comfort him or reassure him during that conversation?

If you haven't read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, I highly recommend it. It sheds light on how abusers operate in different ways, and you may spot some patterns you might recognize.

Now, to the crux of your question. One option that allows you to speak out without a huge call-out is to speak to the other prominent people in this group/movement that he's a part of and tell them what you told us. Mention that you did address this with him and he named it for what it was after the fact, so they know he is supposedly trying to change and can call him out when he exhibits abusive behavior. You can also check to see if his other ex is willing to let you mention what happened to her. I would make it clear that your primary concern is that he may do this to other people in the community.

As for the fall-out, most of that will be out of your hands. People may believe you and demand he step down. They may call you a liar. The community may split into two camps of those who support him and those who want him gone. Heck, other people may come out and say that the same thing happened to them. You are not starting drama by telling the truth of what happened to you. Too, if he continues this behavior, the community is already in danger. Not from a huge, public split necessarily, but from the slow disintegration that comes from having someone abusive in the community whose behavior is going unaddressed. That dynamic can be incredibly damaging, and cause a space that is supposed to be safe to be the opposite.

As for how your privilege plays into this, it's entirely possible that your whiteness may make people take you more seriously than if he had done this to a POC. That possibility sucks, and the racism that contributes to it sucks. But you keeping silent about abuse is not going to fix that racism. If you notice that the narrative around you and him starts to take on some racially tinged rhetoric, then by all means address that. But if saying something feels like the right choice for you, you get to do that.

[Iwanthelp]

It sucks that people against minorities would try to twist a callout to support transphobia but that isn't your fault. If they didn't use this they would be using something else - fabricating bathroom scares comes to mind. Any backlash isn't your fault, he made a choice to behave in a shitty abusive way. (Past the point of being told exactly what was wrong with his behaviour no less)

It's a shitty situation but if you go the callout route I support you 100% in doing that (I mean I support you regardless of what decision you make, callouts can be stressful). Nothing -ist about highlighting a threat within the community, identifying those is important. If anything that sounds like a social justice positive action to me (not that keeping quiet is negative or -ist, hell no), dudes' dangerous and the crying could very well be to shake off confrontation/spin the conversation around to comforting him.
Even if he did a 180 and changed...guys' a rapist that has a platform of power in a community that's had no repercussion for his actions. If he really understands and accepts the severity of his actions he'll take the consequences as they come. Personally as a queer person I'd want to know if someone I'm looking up to is a sexual abuser so that I can get the hell away and not mistakenly go 'x seems like a swell dude' to others.

If it helps there's a segment from Why Does he Do That about types of abusers, 'The Victim'/'Mr. Sensitive' might help with describing the chameleonic types that sneak into social justice communities like this.
https://www.facebook.com/notes/rebecca- ... 655302912/

Whatever decision you make, any fallout or upset is on him for what he chose to do. Sam W pretty much said everything I wanted to say plus more, good luck.

[plantsplants]

Hi!

Thank you both so much for your replies.

- I do want to see a counsellor, but it's not a plausible option for me right now. I'll be starting at university next February, hopefully, and I'll try to get some support asap once I'm there.
- Yes, I did actually end up comforting and reassuring him :/
- And, yes, as much as I hate to think it, I also doubt that his abuse was completely unintentional.
- I will look up the resources you mentioned.

Thanks again for your advice! After reading your responses, I'm pretty sure that I do want to call him out, and now am just figuring out the way in which I can do that most effectively (maybe, like Sam W said, through specific people in that community).

[Sam W]

Hi plantsplants,

You're so welcome . While your waiting to see a counselor, do you know if there are sexual assault survivors organizations in your area that have helplines you can call? It would give you a way to talk with someone who is trained in these issues about what happened

The reason I asked about the reassurance/comforting is because that sort of dynamic is very common with abusers. When you point out something hurtful they did or are doing, they switch into "I'm the worst I'm so terrible I suck" mode and you end up comforting them instead of getting your needs addressed. Again, not a guarantee that someone is being deliberately abusive, but another red flag.

I hope you find those resources helpful, and best of luck as you move forward. Is there anything else we can help you with around this right now (and if not, know that you're welcome to continue this conversation in the future if you need to)?

[plantsplants]

I don't think I need any more help around this for now. Thank you, though!