Family divided after my brother's best friend assaulted me (Trigger warning rape/aussault)

[Tanea_M]

Last summer, after a party with family and long-time friends in my brother's apartment, his best friend aussaulted me. While I was still asleep, he penetrated me with two fingers.

A few days later, my sister coordinated a phone call between us. He admitted to everything I said and said he didn't mean to hurt me. He also said that I should take my share of the responsibility too (because we had kissed before we fell asleep, even though I stopped that because he was like a brother to me and it felt weird). He told me he didn't know that one had to check whether the other person is awake and that he hadn't heard of the concept of consent.

After that, I naively tried to send him further information with comics about consent. He grew ever more defensive and stated that he didn't commit a crime and it wasn't like a thought it was. When I sent him a link where a similar case resulted in 2 years of prison for the perpetrator, he became really nasty.

Although he initially had told me that I should be the one who should tell my brother, he called my brother himself after he heard that I had told him. He then told him a different version, that I was awake and participating.

For my, it really got worse after that. My brother suddenly said that he didn't want to decide who's lying and after 6 weeks or so decided that he will believe us both and that it was just a "misunderstanding".

My two other brother and sister blamed me for destroying the family union, because I told them that my brother didn't believe me and that I was very upset and hurt.

This was last fall.

Since then, little has changed. My parents say they support and believe me. However, the family life goes on as normal (just without me). The topic seems to be a taboo between them. My brother is still living with the perpetrator, doing parties in the same apartment.

I feel like they expect me to heal and then make everything normal again, while they go on as usual.

We had always been a very close-knit family, especially the siblings. I have severe PTSD and am in constant "heart" pain, because I just can't understand how they can see this happen and don't take a clear stand for me.

I have been to a hospital to stabilization, but haven't had trauma exposition yet, so the symptoms persist and I struggle every day. I also have an increasing alcohol problem, because I feel like I can't bear the pain alone (and I'm still scared of sleeping). I'm afraid when any (!) man gets close, even though I never had problems with men before.

Now, every time I talk to my parents, I feel a lot worse after that. I have told them many times that I need them to protect me within the family and tell the others what the tell me, but they don't seem to be capable of that.

Me (31) and my siblings have all moved out and live in different cities. We talked a lot on the phone and visited us frequently.

I don't know what to do now. I love my family a lot, but thinking about all that happened makes me hurt constantly. I have considered to cut the contact for a while, but I feel very sad and guilty doing so.

Do you have any experiences or advice in matters like this?

[Sam W]

Hi Tanea,

First, I want to say how sorry I am that you have to deal with all of this. Both being assaulted, then having the perpetrator lie (and I'm highly skeptical that he didn't understand that you're not supposed to do anything sexual to someone when they're asleep), and then having your siblings side with him (which is essentially what happened). It is completely understandable that you're feeling the way you do.

You mention getting some treatment. Are you currently in counseling with someone who specializes in helping survivors of sexual assault? If not, do you know where to find such a resource?

I want to offer a thought up that might be helpful. You say you've always been a close-knot family, and it sounds as though you blame yourself to some degree for that going away. But you're not the one who destroyed those bonds. Your siblings did, by not believing and supporting you when you asked for help. And it sounds like they also want you to act as though nothing happened even though you're clearly hurting, which isn't giving those bonds a chance to heal, because the wound was never addressed and treated.

Can you tell me a little bit about the support systems you have outside of your family, like friends?

[Tanea_M]

Hello Sam, thank you for your response!

I have great support from my friends. However, as time goes on and I'm still so stuck in this, I feel like they also feel helpless and don't know what to do any more. Some of them also get frustrated because I'm still drinking so much. I also feel like I can't be a good friend, because I'm scared of most activities (especially outside or with many people) and so we have to meet at my or their house most of the time. Before all this I was very outgoing and not scared easily. It's like I'm not really me any longer.

Before I went to the hospital last month, I was in therapy, though she wasn't spezialized on trauma. I will be in a daytime clinic next month, where there will be trauma exposition.

I feel like my healing and the family situation are somehow linked though and I need to somehow resolve how I should act in this matter.

Thank you in advance

[Sam W]

You're welcome! Glad to hear you have supportive friends . It's fairly common for people who care about survivors to feel a little helpless. It can help to remember that you're not asking them to fix it, you're just asking that they keep being your awesome friends. With going out, what kind of activities or places would feel safe to you if you were to try some baby steps? For instance, when you think about going out, does it make you feel calmer to think about being around lots of people or being somewhere less busy with your friends?

One thing I'd suggest while you're waiting to get trauma specific help is to reach out to a sexual assault survivors resource. Many organizations have a phone line you can call if you need to talk with someone about the fallout from an assault. Even if you don't need the number right away, it can be good to have on hand if you have a sudden bad day in terms of the after effects of the assault.

As for your family, the first thing is to start acclimating yourself to the idea that you may never get the closure you're hoping for and that you'll have to move forward in the healing process still feeling pretty raw around what happened with your family. That sucks, but it is one potential outcome. Then, take some time to sit with your thoughts and figure out if there are specific outcomes you're hoping for. In other words, what do you want to result from talking to them? What would resolution look like to you? Take time to also think about some possible bad outcomes of trying for that resolution and what you'll do in the event that those outcomes happen.

Beyond that what approach feels like it would work best for you? Do you want to say everything you've been holding in out loud to them? Who are the people who you most want a relationship with going forward? Things like that.