Not having orgasm during intercourse, how would i know?

[chezmer]

I have some queries about orgasm. I only experienced sex with one man thats my husband. However, for 11 years that we are doing sex i cant answer him when he ask me if i already orgasm. So every after he cum, he will play with my clitoris because thats where i feel being satisfied. Honestly i dont feel much during our intercourse only when the time he enters his penis in my vigina, but when he started to pump i dont feel comfortable. I dont know why. Please help. Am i a frigid? Because most of the women i talked they claimed that they almost halucinate during intercourse and they orgasm. Is there really sexual fluid that will come out after the woman orgasm?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, chezmer.

Let me drop a few facts on you, a couple links for you to find out more with, and then a couple suggestions.

"Frigid" is an antiquated term from a hundred years ago that wasn't scientifically sound then and it sure isn't now. I'd suggest you drop it, because it's both sexist and meaningless.

When any kind of sex feels good, it's usually because someone feels excited about it before it even starts. It sounds like -- correct me if I have this wrong -- the way sex goes with you two is that it starts with penis-in-vagina intercourse, and then ends with things like oral or manual sex for you.

If I have that right, know that for those who enjoy intercourse as receptive partners (the folks with the vagina, not the penis), that's usually because they have done other sexual things they enjoy first and find satisfying, like what you're saying about how external clitoral play feels for you. If you two flipped things around so THAT came first, you may well have a very different experience with intercourse than you have been.

It's also important to communicate during sex, both when things do feel good and when they don't. So, during intercourse, when you're not getting anything out of it, it's important to say something. That way your partner can know and you two can try changing things up with it -- try a different angle in the position you're in, a different position altogether, or doing something like rubbing your clitoris during intercourse -- to see if that makes a difference.

Or you may not: not everyone enjoys intercourse, of every gender. The same way that not everyone likes all the same foods, not everyone likes all the same kinds of sex. So, if it turns out that even if you do flip things around, try some other adjustments and still don't like intercourse, maybe you just don't like intercourse. If so, that's okay. You don't have to just like all men don't have to enjoy being receptive partners for anal intercourse. Make sense?

Most of what I have said here assumes YOU want to have intercourse. Do you, for yourself? If not, it is something you get to tell a partner just isn't your thing, so no thanks you, and then you two try and come up with things to do sexually you BOTH like, are into, and feel satisfied by.

Orgasm doesn't usually involve a release of fluid from your genitals. Sometimes ejaculation may happen, but that's not what orgasm is and that's not particularly common for people with a vagina, rather than a penis. Orgasm also does not result in hallucinations: people who have told you that are exaggerating the experience, or perhaps using that word because they can't think of a better one to describe it. Orgasm is a short -- usually just a few seconds -- nervous system event that creates a brief feeling of euphoria (AKA: feeling super good) and some muscular contractions.

I'm going to give you some links to fill you in on how the whole sexual response cycle works, on anatomy and pleasure, and a couple others I think may be helpful information for you. If you want to keep talking after you've read this response and those pieces, I'm happy to do that with you.But just know nothing's wrong with you here: just sounds like over the years, there's been a not-so-great pattern established in your marriage with sex that has meant you feeling unsatisfied and worried, but patterns can always be broken!

• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum

[chezmer]

Hi Heather,

Im so happy for your quick response weve been trying to figure out what is wrong with us( me and my husband) because he is always waiting for me to cum during intercourse but we end up him playing my clitoris which i think makes him feel that he failed to make me pleasured. Im almost on the idea of trying to have sex with other man just to have some answer, but my heart cannot accept that.

when he plays on my clitoris i always end up with an intense feeling that i think i cannot hold on if my husband continue doing that. so everytime i felt it, i have to say "stop, im done". is it normal? i feel like i would cry if i let him continue.

i will surely visit the links that you gave me to help us understand more about sex. Im so thankful i found your website. Now it gives me peace of mind that my husband and i are doing nothing wrong on our sex life, what we are doing are acceptable.

Thank you so much and hope its not the last time that you will entertain my queries

[Heather]

It sounds like you might have the idea that there is something "lesser" or "wrong" with enjoying the clitoral play MORE than intercourse. If so, please know there is no reason to have that idea. The clitoris -- the whole thing, not just the parts we can see on the outside -- has more concentrated nerve endings than almost any other body part (including the penis!) and is the ONLY body part that exists that seems to exist ONLY for the purpose of pleasure.

So, enjoying that? Pretty common. And enjoying that kind of focus more than intercourse alone is, as that last like I gave you also said, what's most common for people. If your husband has the idea he failed because his hands or mouth give you pleasure his penis doesn't, please let him know that's not sound. How could he have failed when you have enjoyed yourself?

That feeling you are having with clitoral play can be a couple things. Sometimes, after someone has had an orgasm, continuing direct clitoral stimulation feels like too much, because it can become hypersensitive (that's one reason why, for people who enjoy vaginal intercourse, doing that AFTER clitoral stimulus and/or orgasm can feel good, since it doesn't usually involve direct external clitoris stimulation).

Or, it can feel that way when someone is just about to HAVE an orgasm. You might try pushing through once to see what happens, because feeling like you might cry might ACTUALLY be feeling like you might reach orgasm (which often can involve an emotional feeling of release, not just a physical one).

Or it may be that the WAY he is stimulating you, or the exact place, has become too much, so you need to change it up and do something else, or do something a bit different.

By the way, I am always happy to talk with someone AND their partner, so if you feel like your husband might want to be in on this discussion too, and you're comfortable with that, by all means, invite him to register and we can all talk together, which is often the most helpful way for us to work with people having issues together they both want to resolve.

[chezmer]

Thank you so much Heather. I already shared this with my husband Your answers relieved my insecurities with other women. if you have any writeups on how we can enjoy more the intercourse, please share with me the link.

Thanks again and God bless.