Scarleteen

Today my boyfriend am I were messing around kissing, cuddling and, talking about my best friend (he just got a boyfriend who he has gone quite far with) we started to joke that we needed to catch them up. One thing led to another and I got fingered! For me this was massive having had a very strict Christian upbringing (which I fought tooth and nail). I don't regret it and I smile when I think about it he was careful (I'm a virgin he's not) and checked I was good. Later on we were talking about it joking around he says he wants to do it to me again or we can do the next step (sex). I have no problem with this as in my eyes I love him and I know he feels the same not to mention I don't place much value on virginity however if my mum finds out i could be kicked out, I'm very insecure about my body and my mum has installed certain doubts in me about men. My best friend says if I want to he thinks I should and my boyfriend says he doesn't want to pressure me but I just want to hear more opinions

Hi Soapbubbles,

We've got a few articles that you might find helpful in terms of deciding how sexual to be right now: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
Risky Business: Learning to Consider Risk and Make Sound Sexual Choices
Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals

You mention feeling insecure about your body. Can you tell me a little more about that? And when you say your mom has given you doubts about men, what do those doubts look like?

I developed a lot earlier than many kids and my mum used to tell me that men will always use me. I wasn't able to dress how I wanted and dating people was never advised or allowed. Her religion constantly excluded me from everyone. This was also where my body issues came from as she would over feed me then call me fat or try and make me diet over and over again. Right now I'm just trying to separate me from my mum's over bearing religion and views

Thank you for clarifying. That sounds like an incredibly stressful environment to live in (does she still do the stuff with your diet?)

I will say that the myth that men only want one thing (sex) is not exclusive to your mom. It pops up in lots of different cultural ideas about sex and relationships. But it's also something we know is not true. There are, of course, guys who view women as objects that are only there for their satisfaction. But there are plenty of guys who do want a relationship with their partner (or, even if the relationship is mostly sexual, still see their partner as a whole human deserving of respect). Have you talked with your boyfriend about this myth, or about what you each are looking for from this relationship?

With the body image stuff, have you had a chance to read about or explore body positive spaces?

I voiced my concerns to my best friend who went on to tell my boyfriend. He then text me very upset apologising everything that had happened between us because he feels that it's taken away my trust of him and his intentions after a big conversation we sorted everything and he said regarding my body issues I don't have to take my time shirt off if I would be more comfortable. So he's very understanding. My mum and my brother have lessened the extreme diets I'm just a vegetarian now but that was my own choice

Glad to hear your family is not forcing you to do extreme diets anymore, and that your boyfriend is understanding of your concerns.

Are you interested in some reading on body positivity? It can be really helpful to start unlearning negative ideas about our bodies when we're in our teens, because it makes our relationship with them easier when we're older.