Need Advice on Taking a Break/Politics in Relationships

[sugar23]

Hi, I'm in my early twenties and have been dating my current boyfriend for about 2 years. We've gotten along with most things, except intimacy, where we're struggling a bit. I have a low libido, which usually results in him getting upset due to lack of intimacy. However, we've been more successful the past six months, but on the occasion that I don't feel in the mood, or have to stop partway through, he still gets just as upset, which I feel guilty about. Lots of times during this he'll just stare at the wall frustratingly and say "Do you know how this makes me feel?"

Recently we discussed this, and he apologized for his behavior during this. But I still feel guilty and upset. I'm also worried that I'm just not interested in intimacy with him.

We've also been disagreeing a lot politically, and he keeps bringing up politics even after my multiple requests not to. He said he'd "try" not to bring it up.
I recently got back from another trip visiting my grandpa, who kicked my mom and I out of the house over a political argument. I'm still feeling very shaken from that.

Originally we were planning on taking out first road trip together to visit some of his family (for 5 days), but as of lately, I cannot bring myself to go. The trip is 3 days out, and I'm confused to the point of whether or not I want to stay in this relationship. I'm going to propose taking a break, but say I can't go on the trip. This is extremely painful because I've loved him for a while, but the past few months have been rough. I'm worried if I break up that I'll be making a mistake, as he is one of two or three good friends in my life. Yet I feel like I need similar political views in a romantic partner, and right now I don't see myself having much of a future with him. Please help, I need advice.

[Sam W]

Hi sugar,

It sounds like a lot of stressful stuff is going on in your relationship right now. If you're feeling like you want to take a break, I would go with that feeling. Taking a break would give you space to explore your relationship with yourself, as well as consider what you're looking for in a partner.

I have to say, his reaction to you not wanting to do sexual stuff is a huge sign that he's not a good partner for you. Is it frustrating when you and your partner have a mismatch in terms of sex drive? Sure. But the solution to that is not sulk and make the other person feel guilty. It's to find ways to feel close and intimate that don't involve sex. Plus, the fact that he acts the way he does around sex is probably contributing to your lack of desire. Being with someone who makes you guilty for expressing needs and boundaries is not the recipe for getting aroused.

I also think the fact that he won't acknowledge your request to not talk politics. It's not actually that hard to do, especially if doing it stresses your partner out.

Given all that, taking a break sounds like a good option for you.

[sugar23]

Thanks for replying to this. We ended up working stuff out with us and political discussions and went on the trip, which was fine, but fast forward a few weeks and we're having a hard time sexually still.
We're now at a point where my boyfriend wants to take a break from intimacy because he's feeling hurt (he claims I've been pushing him away when I'm not in the mood.)
I feel in a way like I have, but I've also been struggling with a lot of sudden anxiety-ridden events that seemed to happen all at once (my cat died, there was a hit and run on my car, school starting). It's been a very difficult time trying to not let the anxiety get in the way of my relationship, but some of these things that have happened are a big deal to me.

Now my boyfriend says he doesn't know how he feels about us right now, but that he still loves me. I'm just feeling very alone and sad right now. He has been patient with me for a while, but things have just been really tough right now and I still need help.

[Onionpie]

Hey sugar23. I'm really sorry to hear you're still having a hard time. Our libidos do wax and wane during different parts of our lives, and stress has a really big affect on our desire. All the things you've mentioned going through are very stressful situations, so it's not surprising at all if you're feeling less interested in sex or other intimacy right now. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or even that this will necessarily be the case forevermore. You're just having a stressful time right now, full of loss and transitions and uncertainty, and it's totally normal for that to reduce your desire.

Sometimes it's not possible to not let anxiety have any affect on your relationship, and that's absolutely okay. It's kind of an unrealistic expectation to think that you could stop anxiety from ever bleeding over and affecting your relationships. That's not the way stress works! You're allowed to not be interested in sex, or intimacy, right now.

You're allowed to say no when you're not in the mood. That's the way consent works, those are your rights as a human being, and it is not a reflection on your boyfriend or his desirability. It sounds like he's taking it personally, which I understand and is an easy thing to do, but that is an insecurity that he needs to work on himself and you don't have any control over. The way he has been expressing his disappointment around that is totally unfair on you, and comes across to me as pretty manipulative. You're allowed to say no at ANY point during sex. You are not responsible for fulfilling his desire. You are not responsible for handling his disappointment. Those are his things to take care of.

What might help in this situation of uncertainty, is viewing it as not just a time when your boyfriend is reevaluating your relationship. You are both a part of this relationship, and you both get to decide whether you want to continue this relationship, so you can also take this time to think about what you want in a relationship and whether this one suits you. Do both your desires for intimacy line up well at this time in your life? Are you feeling that your stress and other aspects of your life outside of the relationship are really being acknowledged and respected and understood as important? Do you feel able to talk openly about the hard stuff you are going through right now, and do you feel like you are really being heard when you do? Do you feel like your desires and wants are being given the same amount of weight as his? You get to assess the relationship too, you have control over how things go, and you get a say in your own relationships.