No Orgasms for about 3 Years

[seakapper]

I remember as a young child, as young as 5, masturbating and achieving orgasms one after the other. Now at 57, as of three years ago I have not been able to orgasm no matter what I use. Doctor says it is probably the antidepressants I take but I have been taking them since 1992 with no problems masturbating. I asked about hormones but he does not want me to take them for the risks.
I have never had an orgasm with a man and feel so frustrated and left out. An orgasm used to be my go to when anxiety and stress peaked but I feel I have grown numb down there but I still feel that buried inside is an orgasm wanting to burst out.
I know it's bad to lie, but I have always fake an orgasm to please them. Many men don't feel satisfied unless I come.
I wish there was something like viagra, inexpensive and easy to use to once again enjoy the only thing I have always felt completely released for every stress, anxiety, frustration and madness.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, seakapper.

I'm going to toss a few different things at you, just to get started, and then we can talk more as you'd like and take it from there. I do have some questions it'd be helpful for you to answer so we can get a better sense of what might be going on and help you out as best we can.

What your doctor says: because a medication doesn't have an impact on something at one time doesn't mean it isn't at another, or won't later. So, if your doctor is suggesting some of this might have to do with the antidepressant you're using, and is suggesting you try a different one, I'd, personally, go ahead and do that. As your prescribing physician, your doctor's advice (unless you have concerns they aren't competent) is the central advice to go with when it comes to medications and their impacts. And indeed, some antidepressants do have this impact, and there are some which are known to have less of one. Why not try something different and see?

On saying you feel "numb down there": Are you saying that you're not just no longer experiencing orgasm, but also aren't experiencing pleasure? In other words, when you masturbate now, are you actually feeling a real desire to? Are you feeling turned on at any point? Does touching yourself still feel good and satisfying?

Too, you say this change started for you -- alone, I'll get to the different issues with partners in a sec -- around three years ago. Were there any other changes for you around that time, like changes to your health, where you're at when it comes to menopause, changes in your life as a whole, changes with your body image or your own joy in your sexuality?

Per what you're talking about with partners: The bigger issue with faking orgasm here really isn't about honesty, but about doing something that all but assures you won't stand a chance reaching orgasm with a partner. Think about it like this: if we tell people, year after year, person after person, that we like our eggs soft-boiled when, in fact, we don't like them that way at all, all we're ever going to get are soft-boiled eggs, rather than our eggs how we like them. Faking orgasm gives who we are faking it with information that says what we are doing together works for us.

On the other hand, when we're honest about what does and doesn't work for us, then we and partners can actually learn what DOES work, what IS satisfying, and what we DO like, so that we can get all of that, either right away, or in time.

You're almost 60 years old. Getting through sixty years of life on this earth as a woman in the world is one helluva haul. Getting through all of that and still being concerned with satisfying men strikes me as a pretty sad situation: the least you have earned in all those years is the right to focus on YOUR satisfaction, and to stop worrying about satisfying men, don't you think? They're grownups, just like you are. They have the capacity to take care of themselves. And if what they are earnestly satisfied by IS you experiencing pleasure and reaching orgasm, then you share a goal and a want. But to reach it, for both of you, you've got to be real and honest, otherwise all any of you are getting is a sham.

I'm going to say this again, loud, to you just as one older person who has lived through this life a long time as a woman to another: FORGET WHAT SATISFIES MEN. YOU DESERVE TO FOCUS ON WHAT SATISFIES YOU.

Too, if you keep picking partners who you feel you have to fake it with, and who accept a fake, and don't have any real desire to take the time with you to explore sex together and discover what you both enjoy, then no kidding you're unlikely to have satisfying sexual experiences with partners. So, some of this may be about who you are choosing here as well as the dynamic you're setting up by faking. Catch my drift?

Viagra, for the record, doesn't actually increase desire or make orgasm more likely. All it does is increase circulation to make erection happen. So, even if there were something like that you could take, it still wouldn't solve the problems you've been having.

[Heather]

(By the way, I'm assuming from the context of your post that you're a cisgender woman, but since you said you use both he and she pronouns, and didn't say in the post what your gender was specifically, I'm not 100% sure. If I didn't assume correctly, do let me know.)

[seakapper]

Hi Heather,
Thank you for reaching out to me and taking the time to share your knowledge.
I have tried, in the past, to reach orgasm with a man (I'm heterosexual) but no dice. Unless it was my hand or a good vibrator directly on the clitoris, it would be a no go.
I have once been with a woman but that didn't work. For one thing, I don't like receiving oral. I don't mind giving oral to a man I thought since I enjoyed looking at womens breasts, I would give it a try back in my late thirties.
I do have a major depressive and anxiety disorder and orgasms used to be the best medicine. I find it hard to want to wake up every morning feeling little interest in most things. I enjoy tv, read and do surveys online. I am also agoraphobic (don't like going out much). As you said, my body image is not good; need to lose about 30 pounds.
Since Obamacare took over the health care system, my psychiatrist is limited to what he can give me. There was one drug, Abilify, which helped but once I went on medicare, it was not covered.
I might try telling my next boyfriend, if I get one the truth but for now, this guy I now only see occasionally, expects multiple orgasms. I do enjoy sex without the climax, though I feel I have been missing the orgasm.
What I meant about being numb is, though I feel pleasure vaginal sex, there has never been enough sensation to reach a climax.
Anyway, I will ask my doctor about the medication again, and might order a new vibrator
Please feel free to contact me anytime. Darlene

[Sam W]

Hi Seakapper,

Heather is not in this week, but I wanted to just touch on a few of the things you mentioned in your follow-up post. Have you ever used a vibrator with a partner? If not, that might be something to try going forward since it would introduce sensations that you have had luck with in the past. You could try manual stimulation with a partner as well. If you not having anything but vaginal penetration, it's not surprising you don't orgasm from partnered sex. From what we know, the majority of cis women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. They need other stimulation. You can read way more about that in this article, which might be helpful for your overall question: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _conundrum

With the person you see occasionally, what would happen if you started being up front with him about your orgasms? Or, at the vary least, decided to no longer fake having multiple ones? Because as Heather said, you shouldn't be having to fake just to soothe his ego.