Best friend is hurting

[Volleygirl22]

I posted a few weeks ago about my best guy friend and my boyfriend meeting. My best friend had been pretty insistent on it after finding out that my boyfriend and I have been sleeping together. (I later found out that my best friend has feelings for me). So here's a little follow up. Since then, he has been making a real effort to get along with my boyfriend but it hasn't really been working out, and he's also been keeping his distance from me (which I guess I understand that he may need that. But I don't like it, because it feels like he's slipping away from me).

Anyway, I've been talking to my best friend's sister. She's 12, so ahe doesn't really know the whole story about what's going on. I asked her how he's been doing and she said he's been crying himself to sleep lately. I don't know what to do :'( He's been my best friend since we were little and no matter what I was going through, he would always do everything he could to make me feel better, and now here he is, the one who's hurt, and I don't know what to do

[Redskies]

Hi, Volleygirl. I'm really sorry that both you and your friend are in this situation.

When people cry by themself at night, usually that's because they want to keep it private. So, I'd strongly suggest keeping that information to yourself, as a kindness and a courtesy to both him and his sister (because she's 12, and maybe didn't realise it's usually best not to share things like that). I'd also suggest that going forward, you don't ask his sister how he's doing (when you know the situation likely involves you, anyway), because that can make things more tangly, and someone who's 12 may not yet know how to navigate it in a way that's most helpful to everyone involved.

When someone we really care about is hurting, that can truly hurt us too, and it's very natural to want to do something to help - after all, that's part of caring about someone, really. When we know that we're connected to what's hurting them, all of that can get really amplified.

Have you asked him if there's anything you could do to support him with this situation? If you have, I think once is enough, and whatever he said in response is what you take on board and work with. If you haven't, I think asking once is a kind and supportive thing to do, and then to do your best to act on what he says.

As he's trying to take some space from you, I think that really trying to be warmly supportive of that would be a great kindness to him at the moment. Like Sam said in your previous thread, sometimes people in his position really need that space in order to feel better. When we have feelings for someone and it's not reciprocated, often, having some space is the best and quickest way to work through that; keeping being around someone can keep both the feelings and the hurt amped up, while space can allow both to fade. I really hear that you want to stay close with your friend and don't want space away from him - that makes sense, he's your friend! But sometimes with these things, a longer-term view is better than a shorter-term one. If he's able to have what he needs to work through his own feelings, the both of you are much more likely to be able to have a close friendship in the longer term.

Sometimes, too, there's truly not a lot we can do when someone else is unhappy. I know that can be really hard to live with, but it's still true. Sometimes the only thing that makes a real difference is the person themself working through their own feelings in their own time, and our contribution is simply to acknowledge that and to be kind to them while they do that.

If it's not working out for he and your boyfriend getting along, I'd suggest that everyone simply tries to accept that and they don't try to hang out much. No matter how close we are to someone else, none of us ever like every single person our friend likes, it's just not humanly possible. It's absolutely okay to just opt out of a few. If they don't get along well, your friend doesn't need to make himself uncomfortable or unhappy by keeping trying if it's not working out. It's natural that you and your friend will like different people than the other does - that's just a part of being two different people.