I Can't Define This Relationship.

[jackojacko2000]

Hi, I'm 16 years old and I have a friendship with this 20 or so year old guy. We've known each other for a couple of years and hung out a bit. We are both filmmakers and actors so we have worked together on multiple projects. He is really funny, smart, charming and a great person to be around. Every time I talk to him online (we're Facebook friends), I feel a lot of joy and when I speak to him in person, I am always nervous but really happy. I admire him a lot as a person and as an artist. Whenever he praises me, I feel really appreciated. I love to be around him. I have never felt this feeling before. I don't have a sexual or romantic attraction towards him (i.e I've never fantasized about him sexually or wanted our friendship to become romantic) but I've never fallen in love so I don't know if what I am feeling is love and even though I am a guy, I am slightly confused about my sexuality at the moment. I feel straight and always have but I sometimes feel bi-curious but not enough to make that my title. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, I just feel confused about what this is. That might be because I have social anxiety which means I don't have/never had any real friends (i.e friends who I would share secrets with, always hang out with etc.) therefore meaning this friendship might be the first time I'm experiencing true friendship. If someone could help me define this relationship, I would really appreciate it.

[Sam W]

Hi Jackojacko,

I'm betting you've been around Scarleteen enough to guess what part of my answer is going to be. Relationships can't really be defined by anybody except the people in them. How we feel about other people is so personal and so variable that it's hard to try and name what someone else is feeling.

However, there are a few things that might help you work out what you want to call this relationship. One is that love is not strictly romantic. Plenty of people feel deep love for their friends or family that, while it doesn't feel quite the same as romantic love does to them, is incredibly powerful. I'd certainly say I have friends who I love. So that may be what you're feeling here.

You might also be feeling a little bit of what I call a platonic crush, that feeling of thinking someone is just so, so cool and wanting to spend lots of time around them without any desire for a romantic or sexual relationship. That feeling can often overlap with being friends with someone. Does that idea make sense?

[Heather]

I would agree with you, by the way, that this sounds an awful lot like what a strong, real friendship, a friendship someone is very into, feels like. I know it sure sounds a lot like some of my own friendships in life I have really enjoyed and valued.

There is this bizarre lack in the world of people talking about friendship with the same import they do sexual or romantic relationships and love. But in reality, we can all have strong feelings about and in any kind of relationship, and really, friendship most of all. Heck, the strongest, most enduring feelings anyone tends to have in any kind of relationship are usually about the friendship within that relationship.

[jackojacko2000]

Thank you both.