Don't know how to feel

[Karebearr]

Hi a few weeks ago my guy friend started kissing on me and touching me. I told him no and moved his hands away but he kept saying that it was okay and I didn't need to worry. He ended up taking my pants off and getting me undressed and told me he loves me and that it's my fault. He made me stay undressed. I'm just confused because he said it was okay and I feel like I gave in. He also did things to me that are hard to say. I don't understand what I did wrong and I just need some advice n someone to talk to. My dad used to come into my room at night and touch me and I almost feel used to being hurt. No one listens and I have to submit

[Carmen]

Hi Karebearr,

I am so sorry this happened to you. First of all I want to make sure you know that his behavior was completely unacceptable and a form of sexual assault. Second, that is was in absolutely no way your fault.
Do you have any friends or family you have been able to talk to about this? And how have you been since this happened? Practicing self-care after something as horrible as this happens is really important (Self-Care a La Carte).
It also sounds like this guy had been a friend of yours before? Have you interacted with him since this happened?
I would love to help you brain storm other ways you can find support in dealing with this and/or just be here to listen if you want to process this or talk about it more.

[Karebearr]

How is it not my fault though? Sometimes I would dress not the best and things. He told me I'm really cute and that why as well.
I don't have many peole I can talk to but he also told me not to tell anyone or he will have someone else touch me next time too.
Yea I have talked to him, he tried to say he was sorry but then started touching me again. He was fingering me the first time and used his mouth on me and when I tired to get away he held me down. He made me do stuff to him and sit in weird poses for him. I just feel so hurt and dirty he said it was all okay and not forceful unless I tried to get away.

[Heather]

Great-grandmothers in a frumpy housedress get sexually assaulted: that was done to mine. 12-year-olds in long shorts and loose t-shirts get sexually assaulted: that happened to me. People dressed in just about every way a person can be dressed have been assaulted. How someone dresses doesn't have anything to do with assault. You being found cute or sexually appealing by him also has zip to do with assault (not to mention that how you look and how someone else may feel about how you look is mostly outside your control: you didn't choose your genetics!).

We know from decades of study about people who abuse others that every kind of abuse, including sexual abuse, is about the person doing the abusing wanting power over who they are abusing. This is why rates of sexual abuse of children and young teens are higher than for all other groups, and rates of sexual abuse of the elderly or those with disabilities is also so high: the appeal of a victim to an abuser is mostly about who they think they will be able to overpower, not how sexy someone is.

Sexual abuse and assault isn't really about sex or attraction: it's about a desire for power, and who someone who abuses chooses to abuse is primarily based on who they think they can get away with abusing, that's all.

When someone is mugged on the street, it's 100% the fault of the person doing the mugging. When someone's house is robbed, it's 100% the fault of the person or people doing the robbing. When someone gets killed in a drive by, it's 100% the fault of the shooter. The same is true of sexual abuse: it is 100% the fault of the abuser. After all, if they weren't choosing to do it, it wouldn't happen.

I would strongly advise you not have any more contact with this person, at all. You know now they are not safe and will harm you: when we know that about someone, we know we need to do all we can to stay away from them., instead of giving them any more opportunities to harm us more or again.

In terms of him saying things to you -- like that it was okay to assault you, like that it was your fault -- I know it's hard not to take those things in, but please try not to. When abusive people say things like that, they know full well they aren't true, and they don't care that they hurt you more. They say them to try and keep you from holding them responsible, to try and keep you from stopping them, to try and keep you from knowing the truth about them, which is that they are unsafe for you and others, and that they choose to hurt you because it makes them feel powerful. Don't believe what he said: they're only lies to try and keep him from feeling the responsibility that is his, not yours.

And by all means, TELL SOMEONE. Abusers tell victims not to tell to try and not get in trouble and be held accountable. When we don't tell, we limit our own safety, and others then will also be less safe because they won't know someone isn't safe and may abuse them. You also have the option of telling the police: what he did was a crime, and threatening you with abuse from someone else to keep you quiet is an additional crime. If you want to talk about your options with reporting, we're happy to talk about that with you.

We can also help you find a qualified, free rape crisis counselor and support team in your area for someone else you can tell, and someone who can help you get and stay safe, and start to heal. If you're in or around the OC, you have several excellent organizations that provide services for victims you could connect with.

[Heather]

This is not your fault, it is his.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, IT IS HIS.

NOT.

YOUR.

FAULT.

(Just posting to do all I can to drive that message home. And know that the very minute you start to believe this truth, that you are not responsible for this, you'll have the wonderful discovery that starting to heal from it gets a whole lot easier. Bonus: it also can help protect us from abusive people, period, because if they get any sense we are not going to fall for their lies that make us more vulnerable, we are a LOT less appealing to them as a victim.)

[Karebearr]

I understand what ur saying and I'm trying my best to believe it wasn't. I also feel that it's hard for me because my dad used to touch me and so it's almost like I'm used to being touched and hurt. I've talked to him since it's happened and he tried to say he was sorry and that he didn't use force so it was ok, also he started to touch me again. I don't have a lot of people in my life that I can trust and I get scared easy n I shut down. I keep things to myself. I just don't understand it and at first I didn't know it was wrong I just felt scared.

[Sam W]

Hi Karebearr,

I'm so sorry that this is not the first time someone has hurt you in this way. The fact that he told you it was okay because he didn't use force is some high level B.S. You didn't want it, therefore it was assault. Assault isn't only someone pinning you or restricting you, it can happen without any of that being present. Also, the fact that he then started violating your boundaries AGAIN after you'd told him how you felt means he cares not at all about your feelings or boundaries.

My advice would be to not meet him in person anymore, especially if the two of you are going to be alone. If you can, block him on social media and don't talk to him. He's demonstrated multiple times that he's not a safer person to be around and that he puts his own desires ahead of your boundaries.

With the shutting down, that's a common response that people have in the moment someone abuses them. You can freeze in response to a scary situation. That's how your system has decided it's going to get through that moment. Freezing up doesn't mean you deserved it either.

Have you ever had the chance to talk to a counselor who works specifically with survivors? If not, do you know where to find a resource like that in your area?

[Karebearr]

I know it just hard for me because he makes me feel bad and I try my best. I haven't talked to him in awhile and I have blocked him everywhere expect 1 thing because I'm scared if I completely block him he might do something.

My dad used to get in bed with me and touch me. I would try and hide under a lot of blankets or wear more clothes but nothing seemed to work. He would would always touch me take my clothes off me finger me and every night I was scared. He tells me peole will believe him over me and that I'm his little girl.
I haven't gotten much counseling but I have been wanting to. I just feel scared because he told me not tell anyone and I don't want him do more to me.

They also watch me sometimes when I shower or get changed and tell me things. I hate it so much I get so uncomfortable. But at the same time I'm so used to it it's become normal for me

[Sam W]

I'm proud of you for blocking him, that's a hard thing to do, especially when someone is manipulating you. You say you're afraid he might do something? Can you tell me more about what you think he might do (or what he's said he might do)?

Are you still living where your dad has access to you?

Your dad is wrong that no one will believe you. We believe you. If you go to a counselor, they will believe you. Maybe not everyone you tell will believe you, for whatever reason. But plenty of people will. His telling you they won't is a classic abuser tactic, meant to keep you silent so he won't face any consequences for what he's done or is doing. He's a coward who likes feeling big and powerful by abusing someone he should be protecting.

Would you like some help finding a counseling resource?

[Karebearr]

He told me that if I ever tell or if he can't get ahold of me he would come find me and he will have sex with me and also have someone else to touch me to. He's followed through on threats before so that's why I get scared. He also told me that i will regret telling.

Yea I still see him sometimes and I try to hide under my covers but he always comes in and jt wakes me up. I tried to tell my mom but she stood up for him and that killed me I was so sad and felt worthless and that it doesn't matter what he's doing it's ok and I'll be ok.

Yea that would be good

[Sam W]

Okay, with the first guy, are you comfortable getting law enforcement involved, like for a restraining order?

For your dad, are there ways you can avoid being in the house with him, like staying with a friend or in a hotel? I'm sorry your mom reacted the way she did. There are reasons why someone protects and abuser, but that doesn't make it okay. It is not okay for a parent to sexually assault their child. That will never be okay. It matters that you're afraid, that you're anxious. You deserve to feel safe around your parent.

Okay, first step is to google "rape crisis center" and then your location and see what comes up.

[Karebearr]

I'm not sure, I just feel nervous and I don't know if I'm ready to deal with that.

I can stay at friends sometimes but not always. I've tried to lock my door or put stuff in front of it but still doesn't work. I felt to that if my mom doesn't believe me or stand up for me why would anyone else? Being told it's ok for years I thought it was, but when I knew it was wrong I still stayed quiet. My dad told me a lot of things that confused me and I just could never figure out why me

[Sam W]

Would you be willing to talk, either with us or with a counselor, about safety planning?

With your dad, do you live at home full time? Trust me, even if the people closest to us fail to stand up for us when we most need them, that doesn't mean we don't deserve help. And it doesn't mean there aren't people who will support you and believe you. Do you any of your friends know about either of these abusers?

I can't say why he chose you, only he could say why. Quite frankly, I don't give a fig what his motives are. No amount of justification excuses what he is doing. Abusers are great at normalizing what they do, at grooming their targets to not realize how awful the abuser is being.

Here is the survivor's resource that looks like it's closest to you: http://ocrcc.org/ I highly, highly encourage you to reach out to them.

[Karebearr]

Yea I would be willing to do that.

Pretty much he's here a lot but I'm used to it. No I've kept quiet and haven't been able to tell anyone.

Yea that makes since just hurts me so much, wanting that love and protection but never having it

Ok I'll check it out

[Sam W]

Okay, let's start you out with this article: The Scarleteen Safety Plan . It's going to guide you through different questions and make suggestions based on which scenario's match most closely with yours.

Do you have any ability to put a lock on your door, one that he wouldn't be able to bypass? And as for your friends, is there one who you feel very close to who you'd trust enough to talk about this?

You have every right to be hurt by this. That betrayal of the love and protection you should have had can cut really deep. If nothing else, I can tell you that people survive that cut and heal from it, even if the wound never fully disappears.

With the rape crisis center, it looks like they have a 24 hour helpline. That may be a good starter option for you,since it can help you feel out what kind of support they offer.

[Heather]

Also: given your age, can I ask why you are still living at home? Obviously, moving out would guarantee you do not have to have any contact with your father, period, and at the very least, that he will never be able to come into your room again or watch you showe again.

In other words, something you could do that would get you out of abuse, all of it, would be to move out. Staying in a home with sexual abuse simply isn't safe or sound, so when someone is able to get out, that is the very best first step they can take.

[Mo]

Karebearr, I wanted to say that the OCRCC that Sam linked you to is a really good organization; I used to volunteer with them and they are a bunch of fantastic people. That's for Orange County in North Carolina, though, and I wanted to check: are you in that area, or a different Orange County like the one in California?

[Karebearr]

Yea I can try and see if that would help. I do have some people I could talk to I just don't know how to bring it up and I feel scared.

I've been wanting to move it just haven't had the chance to and need to save money. I do go out a lot and stuff like that but it's just hard at night. Also it's happened so long and when my mom didn't believe me I shut down and stay more quiet. I feel used to being hurt by who ever.

They all say they love me and care for me, it's so confusing at times and I iust give in.

Yea I'm in Orange County and San Diego a lot as well

[Heather]

Because it sounds like some abuse is still happening in your home, you may have the option of being able to stay in a shelter for those who need to leave abuse.

What I would like to do today is make a small list of what look to be your best local organizations to talk to about housing and counseling/support for being a survivor of both child sexual abuse and now sexual assault from your friend, none of which will likely cost you anything to explore, and all of which would be confidential. Would it be all right with you if I did that?