Scarleteen

Hi Everyone!

So, I'm back again because this site has been one of my most consistent resources for support and I need some right now.

About 48 hours ago, my father died. I knew it was coming. He had been very sick for a very long time, and since his most recent stroke 2 months ago, he has been unable to move or speak.

As I'm sure those of you who knew me 4+ years ago are aware, I had a very difficult relationship with my father. I guess I thought that between that and having so much advance notice, I wouldn't mind so much.

But the reality is, I'm feeling pretty darn sad. I feel sad, and then I feel like I don't have a right to feel sad because we didn't have a good relationship. I feel like kind of a hypocrite.

I've also been having a hard time with my relationship with my mom. She recently got a new boyfriend and has been very distracted. She keeps cancelling plans with me and has been forgetting to respond to my calls or texts. I've always had a huge fear of abandonment when it comes to her, so having both of these things happen at the same time has not been fun.

I'm having a lot of conflicting feelings. I'm going to be alone for the next couple days ( I can't be with my family because new boyfriend is going to be at their house and I'm not ready to meet him. And since he's there, I don't even feel like I can call her as much as I might want). I kind of don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to be around people or away from home. It's like nothing is making me feel better, and I KNOW I have a right to be sad right now, but I just feel silly.

Hi Atonement,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Even when someone's death is expected that does little to dull the effects of it. You said it yourself that you have a right to be said. As best as you can, give yourself permission to mourn or grieve in whatever way feels right for you, with some time built in for self-care of one kind or another.

As far as the wanting to be alone but also not wanting to be around people, do you have the option of bringing maybe one friend over (that's assuming there are some close by, I know that's not always an option for people)? Or do you have people who you could call or text with who would be supportive of you?

I'll share one little trick I've learned for the moments when being around people is overwhelming but being alone is daunting: youtube and podcasts. That can be reruns of a fluffy T.V show, your favorite blogger, "How It's Made," really anything that has people talking. That background conversation can make a space feel less empty.

I'm really sorry about your father, Atonement.

I've learned from both personal experience and from hearing a whole range of people's bereavement experiences that having a difficult relationship with a family member doesn't necessarily make that bereavement any softer. Often, having had a complex or poor relationship with a parent can actually bring its very own struggles when they die. People can feel very sad indeed for all kinds of reasons: a person can miss the good parts, mourn for the relationship they wanted but never had, be sad that there's no further opportunity for an improved relatonship, struggle with a lack of resolution, grieve very hard for any small good parts they had. All of those things, all of those ways of being sad, and more, are absolutely legitimate and very real. Like Sam said, you have the right to feel however you feel.

I'm really sorry you don't have the support you want from your mom. That sucks. It sucks at any time, but especially at a time like this. As Sam suggested, is there anyone who might be just supportive, just there (in person or on the phone or screen etc), and who'd be okay just letting you be however you are in any particular moment, with acceptance and kindness? That's most often the kind of person who's best to be around when you're not sure what to do with yourself when you've just been bereaved.

I'm not sure if you'd feel like reading some other people's feelings about related situations - obviously you might not. But if you feel like it at any point, I found a Captain Awkward comment thread https://captainawkward.com/2016/01/21/8 ... d-what-if/ really wise and supportive.

I know people experience things very, very differently, and need very different things, so this may not land with anyone else - but I'd like to give you a personal thing. The day my mother died, I found and read http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2 ... creatures/ . It sounds like an odd thing to relate to at first - and I don't know, maybe it's just a bit odd full stop - but it helped and comforted me immensely, and had me bawling in a very cathartic way. The love and grief for another being landed perfectly for me, and somehow being about a cat rather than a person was removed enough for me to really feel things without feeling like my own feelings were being swamped by someone else's.

Thank you, both of you!

Yesterday I just had a sad day and I went to bed early, but I feel much better after gearing some good sleep. My sister had been staying with me for the last couple days, so that was the first time I'd gotten to go to bed at a proper time and not have to share it with anyone else. I think I really needed that.

So far, I've had a pretty good day. I did some shopping and had a quick phone conversation with my mom. I think she is trying a little harder, at least for now. When my friend gets off work in a couple hours, we're going to have takeout and play with her kitten. I'm looking forward to it. So far I've managed to get through the whole day without crying at all, which is saying something since I feel like yesterday I was having mini meltdowns at least every other hour.

I'm really glad you're feeling a bit better. Enough sleep and enough personal space are definitely important. And kitten-playing sounds perfect.

I know that some people need to not feel like crying the whole time, just to get some kind of small emotional break - so if that's you, then yep, I get it. But just to make sure you know, it'd be absolutely alright if you did actually want or need to cry a whole lot and dissolve into tears every hour or so at nothing very much at all. That's a pretty common reaction to bereavement, and not only for a few days. There's a few people around who think that grieving people should hold in some or most of that, that's it's somehow better to hold it in - that's wrong and not very healthy. However you are, however works for you to feel your feelings, is alright.

Atonement: just seeing this.

I am also sorry that your father has died, and I think I have some sense of the (probably) intense range of feelings you are likely having with this. I also know that it can be so hard to lose someone you have giant conflict with without having gotten a chance to resolve any of that conflict. It can be really hard.

Please know I am thinking of you right now.

Thank you, everyone!

I've been doing better the last few days.

On Saturday two of my friends invited me to dinner, but it really ended up being a small surprise party with my closest friends from school that I very rarely get to see, so it was really nice. Then the next day another friend organized a lunch.

It was really nice being able to see everyone. I have a really great group of friends, but we don't get to see each other very often, but it's nice to see that I have such a great support system when I need one. Maybe I will reach out more in the future when I'm feeling lonely/etc.

I was back to work the last 2 days. Today was good, but yesterday got kind of difficult. I had a patient that was giving me a lot of trouble, and eventually I just had to ask another nurse to handle him for me. It was a little embarrassing because I am supposed to be at a point where I'm mostly independent at work, but he had worn me down all day and I just really needed support. Thankfully someone helped me and didn't seem to resent it.

Glad to hear you're doing a bit better recently, and how great of your friends to organise a surprise party for you.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about needing some help at work: it happens even to people who have years of experience in a job. It's pretty common too when you're dealing with any kind of emotional upheaval to have trouble coping with people or situations that you would otherwise be able to handle. Might it be possible to reach out to someone at work and let them know what's going on, just in case you feel like you need a little bit more support there for a while?

Yeah, everyone is aware about what happened. I told a couple days off, so I was in communication with my boss about that, and I think all my coworkers know by now too.

The only thing is, I've been acting really normal, even upbeat at work, but I can drop fairly quickly. One second I'll be fine and then something will trigger me and I'll be sad again.

Do you think your boss would be understanding if you approached them and mentioned that you might be a little bit up and down emotionally over the next few weeks/months? Plenty of people recognize that grief and can really throw you out of whack for a while, and that sometimes some big mood swings can happen, so it may be worth speaking to them and seeing if there's a way you can work around those sudden moments of sadness.

Sorry accidentally revived an old topic when I was trying to start a new one.

Actually, I might just leave it here. All the stories are connected anyway.

Here it is:

I’m starting to feel a little bad for constantly posting on the same topic, but sometimes I really feel like you guys are the only ones that understand.

So, this is where we left off:

http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic. ... 782#p25782

Things have gotten better for me. The antidepressants have been kind of a game changer. Not only have they helped my depression, but they’ve cured the depression-triggered insomnia that I had had for years but didn’t realize I had until my doctor told me.

I’m transferring off of the neuro unit that I have a hard time with. I’ll be on postpartum, which I think I’ll really enjoy. And hopefully with time I can transition to L&D.

Today was the first day my mom and I had a big fight in a long time, though.

My brother is in the process of trying to purchase a new car, and he called me kind of upset because my mom was supposed to be helping him but rushed through the entire process, complaining about how she had “things to do” the whole time.

And I guess it just triggered a bunch of buried feelings about her lack of prioritization when it comes to us.

I called her and confronted her about it. It’s probably the first time I’ve confronted her since I decided I wasn’t going to do it anymore in my last thread 6 months ago.

As usual, she dismissed everything I said to her and made excuses. When I cited the fact that she is at least three hours late EVERY time she comes to see me, she tried to blame traffic.

She talks about all the “sacrifices” she made when my father was alive and physically healthy, as though her allowing him to abuse our family was some kind of service. I know she tries to minimize what we went through and just focus on what SHE went through because she feels guilty, but it really messes with my head. I know I’ve said it before, but I honestly feel like if I hadn’t documented it here I would think that I overreacted and blew things out of proportion.

I don’t know, we talked again a few minutes ago and things were kind of smoothed over, and I know she’ll try a little harder to be on time and things like that for a little while, and then things will start to slip again.

Fighting with her has kind of brought up another lingering thought, though. One that’s been nagging at me for a while.

I REALLY feel like I need a meaningful relationship with someone. Not even necessarily a romantic relationship, but just someone who I can open up to about everything past, present and future.

I have friends who are amazing, fun, etc. They have come through for me in a lot of days. I’ll never forget how my friends came through for me when my dad died.

But the thing is, I don’t have a friend that I can call up crying after I’ve had a fight with my mom or something like that. My closer friends know some snippets of the stuff that happened in my past, but I’ve never sat down and told any of them the whole story, and I suspect that they would probably be uncomfortable hearing it.

I had what I thought was a best friend for a few years but we’ve MAJORLY grown apart the last few months. I guess I got tired of being the one to put all the effort into our friendship, so I stopped bending over backwards, and now we barely see each other.

I guess kind of the breaking point was a couple months ago. I recently purchased my first house. I’m still SUPER excited and incredibly proud of myself, because I’ve been building this life for myself for so many years, and now I have this place that legally belongs to me and that’s just an awesome feeling.

Anyway, I had kept her updated throughout the whole process, and she said she would come help me move in. Now, I had movers, so it would have been mostly unpacking/decorating. I didn’t really need or expect her to be there, but I was kind of looking forward to having someone to share it with.

But she never showed. Not so much as a call or text saying that something came up. The next day, she tests me with “Sorry, I fell asleep”.

We didn’t speak for a few weeks after that, and it was her that eventually broke the silence with something like “OMG I cant believe we haven’t talked for 2 weeks.”

I’ve still kept my distance though. I went to an all girls valentines party at her house last month and pretty much got put on cleaning duty when I got there and basically ignored when the guests arrived. We haven’t texted much since.

I’ve lived in my new house for 2 months now and she hasn’t even expressed any interest in seeing it, even though it’s on the way to her hometown and I know she passes by semi-regularly.

So, to summarize the last few detailed paragraphs, I no longer have a best friend, and I suspect I haven’t for a long time if ever. She was the only person I could really call when I had a hard time with something.

There is my older sister, but I called her earlier and she was eating dinner. She hasn’t called back.

I’ve been thinking for a long time about how all the people close to me are so unreliable, and how I would LOVE to just have one person I could truly count on

I’ve never been in a better place in my life than I am now, but I ‘m also SO isolated. I feel like it’s something I need to work on, but making friends can me so stressful for me. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have a lifelong best friend that I know I can depend on. And these really is one of those things that gets harder as you start entering “real adulthood”. Somehow, everyone you know just starts to be married and having kids and aren’t really looking for friendship beyond someone to pass the time with at work.

Thanks for listening to my scattered ranting. Posting here always makes me feel less alone.

Hi Atonement, it's good to see you again. And congrats on the new house: what a big, wonderful thing!

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling isolated, though, and that the house has stirred up a lot of difficult stuff along with the good. Unfortunately, feeling isolated isn't the kind of thing that can usually be changed quickly, but maybe one possible starting point would be to think of one friend you could approach about sharing a bit more of your history. I hear you saying that your friends would be uncomfortable with that, but I'm not sure that always means that you can't share things: sometimes discomfort comes from not knowing how to support someone, or being angry/upset/sad on their behalf, rather than not wanting to know the difficult stuff full-stop (if that makes sense). You also don't need to explain every single detail of your life all in one go; opening up a bit at a time will probably be easier on you AND the friend you're sharing things with.

As far as making friends generally goes, I hear you on how tough it can be once you're a "real adult"! (I'm in a similar position myself and it's definitely frustrating.) For people who are a bit more on the shy/introverted side, it can be even more exhausting, and the bummer is that making friends takes some effort. Some people find that group activities or hobbies can be a good start; something like taking a photography class or whatever can be a low-pressure way to meet new people while not feeling like you have to carry on a conversation all the time. Is that something that might be doable for you?

I have thought about taking some art classes, maybe at a local community college. The problem is that my schedule is so irregular, I really can't plan for something to happen on a certain day every week. And I have no idea what kind of flexibility I will have on the new unit.

I guess you could say I've tested all of my closest friends, telling them bits and pieces to see what their reactions are. Some people seem to have ridiculously low limits, while some are higher. But everyone seems to have a point that's lower than Ideal.

Really, I have found that I'm only able to comfortably open up to people who have had similar un-ideal pasts. Most people who have had relatively healthy backgrounds seem to kind of clam up.

But it's not just that I want to talk about these things. If i wanted to g through it all on a regular basis I'd find another therapist. I really just want a good friend that i CAN talk to when I need to, but also talk to about more day-to-day or lighter stuff. Someone who is just more of a presence in my day to day life. Right now the only people I see regularly are coworkers.

Also, I wonder if it's just me any my friends, but I feel like this might be a huge cultural shift. I remember when I was a teenager it was totally normal to cell your friends up on the phone fairly regularly and have conversations. Now it seems like people my age only text or hang out in person. Like, I would actually feel weird calling one of my friends on the phone to talk, because it just isn't done anymore. This does present sort of a problem. By friends and I were sort of scattered across the city before the move, but now with the exception of one (who has unfortunately almost completely detached herself from us after getting into a relationship) everyone is super far.
*note- I live in a geographically HUGE city. Some friends with the same city in their mailing address live 1.5 hours away. So, it isn't the same as driving across town might be for someone else.

I kind of wonder if I might be at the day everyone has talked about for all these years, where I am starting to need a partner. And I don't know. The Idea of someone with a deep connection in my life is what I'm wanting, but I'm not sure I want to pick up all the baggage that comes wit romantic relationships. And even if I did, I have no idea where I'd find one. One of the down sides of being a nurse is that I am in an almost exclusively female environment.

From that standpoint, I don't think I made it easier by moving to the suburbs either. But honestly, I lived in the city for 2 and a half years and it really wasn't any different in that respect.

I totally hear you on the distance thing - I lived in a similarly spread out city until recently and it definitely made seeing friends more difficult. An irregular schedule doesn't help either, and neither does the shift towards not talking on the phone. It's a bummer too that you've tried talking to your friends about bits and pieces of your history and they don't deal with it well: that's not uncommon, I don't think, but it still doesn't make that feeling of isolation any easier to cope with. Based on your comment about feeling most comfortable with other folks who have similar 'un-ideal' pasts, though, I'm wondering if there might be some sort of support group you could connect with that could lead to meeting people who understand a bit more about your experience? It's not a typical way to make friends, for sure, and it might not be something you're comfortable with, just thought I'd throw it out as a possibility.