Feeling lonely + some questions

[Calla Lily]

Firstly, hi! I'm new to this site. I'm almost fifteen, a girl, and I'm straight (just to clarify)

Basically, over the last few days I've started feeling lonely, and my awareness of my own...sexual organs has skyrocketed recently (thanks, puberty haha). I've realized that I feel ready to be in a relationship, and potentially even a physical one.

I've had one relationship before; however, it only lasted a couple of months. We only went on one real date and we only ever kissed twice (no tongue at all). I felt kinda awkward with him, and we had a messy breakup several months ago (he had mental issues, and he dumped me because he thought I'd lost interest).

But that's just backstory. I'm about to go back to school, and I'm hoping to meet a nice guy. So here's my questions/concerns:

I've never been asked out - I know it's perfectly acceptable for me to ask a guy out, but I'm shy and not very forward. Will a guy ever actually ask me out? I'm not ugly, but I'm not a bombshell either.

What does flirting look like? There's been a couple of times I thought a guy was flirting, but I couldn't tell. Help?

Are there things I can do to appear available? Like, not in a slutty way, just like...how do I make myself attractive/not invisible to guys?

What are some expectations teenage boys might have that I should be aware of?

How do I tell a guy I've never made out before?

Where can one go to make out when parents are at home?

Anyway, just any answers/advice would be greatly appreciated

[Jacob]

Welcome to scarleteen Calla!

First off, go you for even asking all these questions... It can be realy tough sometimes to deal with all those issues about attractiveness, flirting, communication and often people can be too embarassed to ask. You're well on your way to working it out. So yeah, go you!

Anway, I'm just going to try and tackle each of your questions. You have quite a few of them so this could be long but here I go:

1. Will a guy ever actually ask me out?

Ever? Statistically, that will probably happen at some point! But that's not really a judgement on you, one way or the other... it isn't about being 'ugly', it's about how an individual other person feels, and might be more about what you have between you than what society thinks people should look like.

2. What does flirting look like?

That's a bit more of a tough one. It really varies from person to person, it will be about the 'chemistry' between you and another person. A good question to ask is how would you like flirting to look? Because if someone is trying to flirt in a way that doesn't make sense to you, they could just be struggling to put it accross. If it feels uncomfortable it might mean they aren't being respectul. Two people might talk to you in a similar way and one could be actively trying to flirt and the other one just being their friendly selves. The message there is that people are really different, so what would you like flirting to be like, and go from there.

3. Are there things I can do to appear available?

This one really hits at one of the very impossible tasks that women are faced with, in a culture that puts so many expectations on women. Really the thing to do is to find what works for you. Unfortunately people can be mean and attack women for expressing themselves, or being sexual, or even just looking after their own health.

You mentioned feeling too shy to ask somebody out. In a sense, however, you're asking how to do that with signals rather than words, which are a bit less clear. I'd say this is something to watch because really communication is super important. It's ok not to feel ready for certain level of communication, but it is something we can learn. Being prepared for the possibility of rejection is really one of the most powerful things, if you can communicate with words it's pretty much always better.

4. What are some expectations teenage boys might have that I should be aware of?

Where do I start! Expectations come from all kinds of places and sadly as we mentioned society can put some pretty messed up stuff on boys, girls and everyone about their sexuality. The key here is to be able to ask a partner what their deal is... do they as an individual have expections you should know about?

5. How do I tell a guy I've never made out before?

There's pretty much one way and that's to say it!

6. Where can one go to make out when parents are at home?

I guess that depends on your parents and if they allow you to have privacy with someone. It could be something you bring up with them? Parents can be protective, so if they feel you're communicating with them, and that you would speak with them if something was up, it could make it easier for them to give you that privacy. Plenty of people make out on dates too!

I think my biggest take-away from what you've asked is that you haven't said very much about what kind of person you would actually like to date! That could be something to think about... guys, or the people you might want to date aren't a big identical army, but all very different. So you don't need the answers on how to appeal to them all, it might just be about finding people who fit with you, who it is easier for you to communicate with, who you feel you can flirt with and who don't have wild expectations which make no sense to you.