guilt from sex and issues with consent

[justlikeaspark]

Hi,
I'm gay and my boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months. I'm 15 and he's a year older than me. We were both virgins before we met each other and haven't had sex with anyone else. I think it's a very healthy relationship and we both love each other very much. About a month ago, he and I were making out at my house and he asked if I wanted a blowjob. This was the first time we would've done anything besides making out. I told him "maybe" and that I would think about it. Later that night, when we were both watching a movie, he asked again and I said "maybe" again because I was still unsure. However, after the movie ended we started making out and he started giving me a blowjob, even though I never necessarily said he could. Even though I enjoyed it, if it was up to me, I probably would have waited a little while. I don't think I made this very clear though. I also didn't tell him to stop once he started because I liked what he was doing and truthfully didn't want him to stop even though I felt like maybe what we were doing was wrong. Does this count as consent on my part? I love my boyfriend so much and I know he would never want to do anything to hurt me. I was texting him after the blowjob and telling him how I wasn't sure if I was ready for what happened, but I still liked it. He was extremely distraught to hear this and said he hoped I didn't hate him after what happened. I reassured him that it was completely okay because I didn't want him to be upset even though I was pretty guilty after the blowjob. The next night however, I texted him and told him the complete truth, that I wasn't sure if I was ready and that I wanted to wait a while before we had sex again. He was totally understanding. He said he didn't care about stupid blowjobs and that he just wanted to make sure I was happy and comfortable. A couple weeks later, I thought I was ready to have sex again because I wasn't too guilty anymore and genuinely wanted to. I ended up giving him a blowjob. It was completely consensual for both him and I. However, I felt extreme guilt after doing this and told him I wanted to wait indefinitely before we had sex again. Again, he told me this was totally okay and that we could wait as long as I wanted. As weeks go by, I still feel almost unbearably guilty sometimes for having had sex those two times. I'm not exactly sure what the cause of this guilt is, I think part of it is that I know my parents wouldn't approve of what we're doing and the other part is that even though I kind of wanted to have sex, I might not have been completely ready. I also was a little bit disappointed by sex the first couple of times. It felt good, but it was less intimate than I thought it would be just because he and I weren't embracing while it was happening. Is there a way for me to stop feeling so guilty? Should I be feeling so guilty? Is what we did wrong? Should I be waiting to have sex? Also, neither of us used a condom when we had sex because I know both of us are virgins and I didn't think you had too for oral sex involving two virgins. Should we have used condoms? Also, my parents know about my sexuality and my boyfriend and they are completely supportive of it, but they don't know that we had sex. I'm close to my parents and I confide in them a lot. I want to be open with my parents, but I feel like they would be upset if I told them. Is this something I should talk to m parents about? I don't want anything to come between my boyfriend and I because I've come out to everyone just to be with him and we care and love each other so so much. Thank you sooooo much and I'm sorry for the long post!

[Jacob]

Hey justlikespark!

Welcome to scarleteen, if you're a hugger know that I'm happy to send huge virtual hugs in your direction. My heart goes out that you're having such a really tough time with these shame/guilt/sex spirals with your boyfriend.

From your post and what I'm reading it seems like all the answers to what you're asking are here. Maybe a bunch of self doubt is making it difficult to feel it?

It sounds like you felt your boyfriend showed genuine remorse and you get to make that decision! And you mention that condom use might be an option for alleviating your anxiety around sex... and as ever you are spot on to suggest that parents and society at large are a huge factor when it comes to feelings of guilt around sex. For you talking to parents might help, especially if you think they might be supportive. But as with the rest of this you get to do that or not do that when you feel ready.

My advice would be to use your feelings of comfort/discomfort as an indicator for what kind of intimacy you actually do... when you're enjoying something or if you're both eager to test your comfort zone that's indeed the time it is totally great to try it out! And if not that's ok too, it can change from day to day.

I'll add here that you are so not alone... some of the feelings you speak about are things I've struggled many many times.