Scarleteen

Hi,
My boyfriend of one and a half years and I broke up about two months ago. We started having intercourse two month before our breakup. He said that his feelings changed and he felt like he would be using me for sexual purposes if we did not break up. Anyway, one thing led to another and we started making out and then had sex. After this, he told me that what happened did not affect his decision in any way and it would not happen again unless I wanted it to. So, I told him that I was okay with it and we could be friends with benefits - he wanted to stay friends in the first place. He was fine with that too. Then, we did not see each other for 6 weeks, but texted each other most of the time. Now, we see each other at school and have little chats everyday. I realised that he was acting distant as if he did not want me in his life. So I decided to ask him what was wrong and let him know that if he was seeing or dating a girl he could tell me. He told me that there wasn't a girl that he's dating, and it was not the reason why. I told him that I still had sexual feelings for him and he admitted that he had them too. However, he told me that he did not want to see the girl that he once loved and cared so much as a "fuckbuddy" and that we should try to stay friends instead. He also added that he's not willing to have a new relationship since it's our senior year and we need to focus on the upcoming exams. But now I'm craving for sex and fearing that I became an addict. I do not want to be friends with benefits with anyone, since it could only make me feel bad. I cannot date someone only for sexual purposes, that won't be right at all. Masturbation does not work anymore, I don't know why but I feel like it's not enough. What should I do?

Hi laurabriann,

From what you're describing, this sounds less like you being addicted to something and more like you missing something. In this case, it sounds like you missing your former partner and being intimate with them. That's understandable, especially if the relationship (both romantic and sexual) ended fairly recently. If something was enjoyable and suddenly you're not able to engage in it anymore, some part of you is going to be like "waiiit, that was fun and I want to keep doing it."

When you say masturbation doesn't work for you anymore, can you tell me a bit more about that? And am I correct in hearing that you don't feel comfortable with the idea of a more casual, primarily sexual relationship? There's certainly nothing wrong or bad about casual relationships, but some people find those arrangements are not for them.

It may also help to take a moment to sit and think about what specifically you're missing now that you're no longer sexual with him. Is it the intimacy? The feeling of pleasure? The feeling of being touched? Or something else entirely? Working out what your brain and body are hungry for might help you find other outlets for these desires.

Thanks for your reply.
I miss him a lot. I also miss being intimate with him. He was like my best friend, my everything. I cared about him so much that it really hurts he no longer has a feeling for me. He was my first, this may be the reason why I feel like I can't be in a sexual relationship with anyone else. I also believe that I would not want to be engaged in any kind of sex with someone who I don't have any feelings for. I don't want to masturbate, I just don't enjoy it since all I have in my mind is him. I don't want to let him go, I really don't understand. I miss talking to him every day, I miss how happy I was when he was around. It's been 2 month since we broke up but I still can't accept that he doesn't want this relationship anymore. When I talk to him, I feel like he still loves me. I hugged him like 10 times today since I just couldn't get enough. I don't want to live like this, I want to accept what happened and move on. I just feel like we are going to make up and because of this thought I can't move on. Can you please help me

It's completely normal to miss someone after a break-up. The feelings you had for a person don't evaporate over night, even if you wish they would. I think you might find this article helpful right now: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

One other recommendation I'd make is to scale back contact with him. That may feel counter intuitive, but by being around him a lot your not giving your brain space to get over him, and making it easier to focus all of your energy on your feelings for him. Putting some distance between the two of you will give you a way to adjust emotionally.