Scarleteen

I've never really been a touchy-feely type of a person, nor a great conversationalist (especially when it comes to feelings), maybe because showing affection (verbally or physically) has never been something my family does much (or really, at all). For example, when I was 14, my friends had to "re-educate" me to accept/like hugs, because before that my reaction to hugs was to try to swerve it or just stiffen at the contact and wait for it to be over.

And now, at 22, I'm in relationship for the first time in my life. Well, sort of "in a relationship" anyway. We've been seeing each other for over a year now, and we act very much like a couple, the relationship has just never really been defined. It took me ages to come to the conclusion that I do have a crush/something more on this boy, and when I really did realize it, I was already head over heels for him.
And one of my problems with this relationship I've (near accidentally) ended up in, alongside the whole "how to start the relationship defining talk", is with physical contact. He has always been a most perfect gentleman with me, asking whether it is okay to put his arm around me when we go to sleep, or if he can kiss me in public where our shared acquaintances and his brothers can see us, or if he can hold my hand and all that. And while I'm not really sure what I get out of the touch, I do enjoy it, and it is nice (near addictive) to sit on a couch with his arm around me, and hold his hand while we talk, and cuddle while we sleep.
But even though I dream of it while away from him, and even consider it while right next to him, initiating a physical contact between us is near impossible for me. It should not be this hard to wrap an arm around someone or lean your head on their shoulder or just press a kiss on their lips but somehow I just can't manage it. I even have trouble just reacting normally to the physical contact between us, as in, I don't know HOW to react, and so I just sort of let it happen. I haven't been able to figure out, if it is just that I'm not used to such touch and need to get "re-educated" to like and reciprocate it like with hugs at 14, or if I'm scared of rejection because I'm unsure of my status with him?
Possibly it's bit of both. So maybe the point of all this rambling is to ask, how could I speed up this "getting used to physical contact" thing? (And how to possibly initiate a relationship defining talk?)

I have been told that there is no rush with the relationship defining talk and all that, but because of my inability to initiate physical contact with him, and my not really reactions to physical contact initiated by him (my reaction to kiss is still to just blink at him in a confused manner, and while he cuddles with me, I just sort of lie there), I fear that he may feel that I’m cold with him, that I don’t care/am not interested, that HE might feel rejected.

I would like to add, that by "we act very much like a couple" I mean the sort of things like movie nights (with just him, or with his best friend and best friend's girlfriend), random gifts, kisses at moments of arrival and separation and sometimes in between (quite chaste pecks really), meeting a another couple (friends of his) and the whole couple conversation of "how did you meet, how you met each others parents yet", sleeping over (in actual, literal, just cuddling and sleeping in same bed sense)

Hi otterlyloved,

Let's start with the touch question. Some people aren't that naturally touchy feely, which is fine. But it sounds like this is something you want (and enjoy) when it happens. One thing you could try is to take the pressure off yourself to know what the right way to react to a touch is. It might be that your brain is doing the "oh dang don't know how to react guess I'll freeze" dance. Letting go of any idea of doing this "right" might override that. You could also ask this gentleman friend how he would like you to respond or what would feel good to him touch-wise. That can help you learn how to be physically intimate with him without you having to play a guessing game.

I'm wondering if you might find this article helpful. It covers all kinds of intimacy, but some of the advice might help you with the feeling of having no clue how to approach this: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

As for the relationship talk, that can be as casual or as serious as you need it to be. A simple "hey, can we talk about what this relationship is for both of us and what we want out of it so that we can avoid a misunderstanding" should do the trick. If you're looking for more detailed guidance, these articles can help you both through that talk:
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models