Scarleteen

Hi everyone,

I posted a while ago about an abusive relationship (http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?t=4511) that I recently got out of and, as I continue to recover from and process it, I have a new issue that I wanted to write to you about.

This ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me multiple times (even after I tried to talk to him about consent, gave him educational materials about it, and explicitly made particular boundaries of mine extremely clear). He was also quite manipulative, verging on emotionally abusive (gaslighting, shouting at me when I told him he had triggered me, a few different things from this article: http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi ... ampaign=ad). It was particularly unpleasant because he was the first person I had dated since my previous relationship where I had once been raped - he and I talked a lot about my trauma in that previous relationship, and I processed a lot of stuff with his help and support. We had been officially dating for about 3 months, and had been involved with each other on and off for another 3 months before that.

It's been a little over two months since we broke up now, and I still really miss him. At the beginning when we had just broken up, I missed him, but I also thought about how much he had hurt me and would feel really angry at him. But right now... I just miss him. We haven't talked at all since we broke up and I had the conversation with him about how he'd treated me abusively: I told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore and then I blocked him on all the forms of communication that I could, and he hasn't tried to contact me on the forms of communication that don't have a blocking feature.

We had a really special connection. I don't often meet people that I strongly click with, and he was one of them. I know there will be other people out there who I will like as well, but there aren't many who I will like as much as I liked him! It was like.... just a few weeks after we had met for the first time, it already felt like we were best friends. I just loved hanging out with him. We could have never slept together or dated and I would have been so happy just to be around him.

I also really miss having sex with him. He did initiate and follow through with sex without my consent multiple times, but, all the other many many many times that I was in the mood for sex and did enthusiastically consent, it was really great. We had amazing chemistry. I overcame so much of the trauma that I had in my previous relationship through having really great, beautiful, affirming, hot, consensual sex with him. After the trauma of my earlier relationship, part of me worried that I would never be able to feel fully comfortable with sex or fully enjoy it. And he . . . he made me feel safe. I would always feel safe with him. So, yes, he did rape me, on more than one occasion, but the rest of the time I loved so much being with him. I really felt like I could trust him - and I did - and it's still so difficult for me to disentangle that - that feeling of absolute trust and how happy I was most of the time with him - with knowing that he did abuse and hurt me as well.

Recently I've been feeling like I miss flirting with people and I miss hooking up with people. So I signed up for Tinder and have been talking to different people on there. I'd decided I wanted to be solo poly for now - no emotional capacity to properly be a primary partner to someone, wanting to see multiple people, and willing to engage in some level of emotional and physical intimacy. So I went on a date with a girl who I have a bunch in common with and who I seemed to have pretty mutual attraction with. We get along pretty well but it's not super-clicking (which is fine, that doesn't happen often for anyone). We hung out on Wednesday at a solidarity action and then went out for dinner yesterday (Friday) and I ended up completely freaking out internally . . . I really really really didn't want to date her or make out with her or anything. I felt really triggered-y and sensitive and my eyes kept welling up with tears? And she wasn't even pushy - she didn't even make a move on me! - but I felt really upset. (I tried and I think succeeded in acting normal? But I think I'll tell her I just want to be friends.) And I still feel triggered and upset and hurt and confused now, 12 hours after the date ended and I went back home by myself.

So I feel really confused about which... which media narratives to trust, I guess? There's the intense-love romantic trope that says that no matter what mistakes people make, that deep true love always remains, and you always go back to it eventually: which is silly, I know. It's not a good message for healthy relationships. Then within feminism there is (rightly!!!) a huge amount of criticism towards rapists and rape culture. But I also know that abusers are still people, and are able to overcome their abusive tendencies if they work on it. So part of me has been thinking: okay, right now he and I can't be together. But maybe in the future, in a year or a few years, once we have both dated other people, once I have recovered from my trauma and once he has gone to therapy and figured out his shit and altered his abusive nature---maybe then, we could get back together, at some point later in time. Is that completely out of line for me to be thinking?

I know that abuse is NOT okay, ever - but I know that a lot of our relationship was genuinely beautiful as well, and the fact that there was abuse in some parts of it doesn't mean that all the rest of it was a lie.... does it?

I'll be going back to the city where he lives/where I used to live in October and I keep thinking about whether or not I want to meet him. It's for a work thing and I doubt I'll be going back there ever again after this time because it's pretty expensive to fly all the way over there. So, in some ways, it's my last chance to see him. Part of me wants to meet up with him, and I hope that we could talk and he could comfort me and we could have great sex again. Not that I know if he would be willing to do any of that - he might not want to meet up, he might not want to have an emotionally vulnerable conversation (***probably! he was always really bad at communication!), he might not want to have sex. Would it be a really bad idea for me to call him up when I'm there?

I'm sorry for the explosion of feelings! I just moved to a new city (I actually left the city I was living before, which is where he lives, to get away from him, and moved in with my mother instead) and I don't really have any friends here that I can talk to. My long-distance friends are tired of hearing me talk about this and I feel guilty for burdening them further. I've phoned a public sexual assault support centre and I'm on the waiting list to see a therapist, but it'll be another 2-3 months before I can see one. So this is kind of my only outlet at the moment.

Thanks so much.

Hi Plantspants,

This sounds incredibly emotionally draining and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

Before I say anything else, I want to let you know that while abusers are people, unless they put in a ton of hard work and actively want to change, they will not stop being abusive. We're talking years. Which is a crappy reality, because we want there to be a process by which they can change easily. Too, even if an abuser does want to change, someone who they've abused should not go back to them until that long, hard process is completed and they've shown they actually changed. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, which talks a lot about why it's so hard for abusers to stop.

With the gal you went on the date with, do you feel comfortable telling her a little about what you're going through (I'm assuming you want to keep seeing, but feel free to correct me on that)? You don't need to go into detail if you're uncomfortable, but maybe letting her know you're recovering from some intense stuff might help.

As for which narrative to trust, the tricky thing is that there's no one narrative for survivors. Which can be incredibly frustrating if you're a survivor yourself. Some people heal by pulling back on any romantic or sexual contact, others find that seeking out good, consensual relationships helps them out. For you, there might be some trial and error to figure out what helps and what doesn't.

It's awesome that you're seeking out a therapist and calling a hotline. Those are great ways to take care of yourself . You mention being in a new city and not having a social circle there. Are there any activities or hobbies you like or think you'd like to try that would get you out and meeting people so you don't feel quite so on your own?

Hi Sam,

thanks for your reply .

You're right about the very long process. I actually have been reading Bancroft's book over the past day - a lot of it is not relevant to me as my relationship was much less extreme than a lot of the things he outlines, but it's still extremely relevant and useful in terms of understanding abusive patterns. It's helped me a lot to be able to move past my emotions of just missing him. I now miss him less (I no longer want to contact him, or see him, or get back together with him in the future) and I see better that he was really abusive and that our relationship wasn't reparable. But it's difficult: I lapse back into missing him often, and it's so confusing and distressing to feel that much affection and care towards someone who hurt you. (Also though, I think it might be linked to PMS! I've started tracking my menstruation cycle recently and that would make sense.)

Yep, I did tell the girl - we had a good conversation about what it is that we're looking for. I think we're just going to be friends, which is really nice .

I might look into activities and hobbies - we'll see. Honestly, I feel so weak and exhausted at the moment from recovering from this relationship that I'm kind of unwilling to meet new people - I'm emotionally volatile, I'm not in a great mood a lot of the time, sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone for days. I don't feel very happy or in a good place and so I don't think I would be attracting people who are happy, etc towards me. I still feel really vulnerable and I'm kind of unwilling to trust most new people, even just as friends. I'm not really able to be a "fun" friend at the moment and it seems unlikely that I will make a new friendship that I can immediately and deeply confide in. I just need to see a professional, haha! And in the meantime I'm keeping myself busy with things that make me happy that I can do alone - walks, museum exhibits, cooking.

Thanks again-

Hi plantsplants (yay plants!),

yes, it truly is confusing and distressing to miss someone who abused us. Time with real space away from this person will help, as you'll gradually re-calibrate away from being in that kind of relationship and adjust to not being in that relationship.

You're already doing great in the steps you're taking to get away, move on, and heal.

Abusive relationships can often include a great deal of emotional intensity, deep closeness, and great sex. It's an essential part of how some abusive relationships work. Of course, not all abusive relationships are like that, but it's certainly not uncommon. It can definitely make it much harder to see it for what it is at the time, and to unscramble our mind and feelings afterwards. In the future, whenever you're ready, you will be able to find the parts of a relationship you want, with people who do not also abuse and rape you.

It's okay that you don't feel very safe or much like being around people at the moment. When someone who supposedly cared about us abused us, it's very natural for that to affect our sense of safety, the trust we put in others, and the trust we have in ourselves about our decisions to trust other people. You feeling this way right now is probably your self doing an excellent job taking care of you. Further along the process, when you've healed more, you'll begin to feel differently, whenever it's right for you and you're ready - it won't be like this forever. It sounds like you're already doing well at identifying the things that seem possible and safe and doing them - that's really good for your overall well-being and for your healing process.

I'm sorry to hear that your friends seem tired of hearing you talk about this. Can I check, are those messages that they've given you (directly or otherwise), or are you simply feeling concerned that you've talked a lot about it and thinking they must be tired of it?

Hey

Yes, it is confusing and distressing. It is hard because I feel like I can't even trust my own emotions and that's the first time this has ever happened to me. In past breakups, even with kind of toxic people, even if I really cared about them and missed them, I felt deep down that it was time to move on. And with this I don't: rationally I know that it was abuse, and a lot of the time I can feel how emotionally upset I am as a result of that relationship, but a lot of the time I still miss him and care about him. It's such an alienating thing, to not even be able to trust my own feelings anymore. But with more distance and time it will hopefully get easier.

My friends haven't explicitly told me that they are tired, but - because we all live in different countries quite far away from each other! - communication isn't super easy and they don't always reply to my emails or texts.

Anyway, I decided yesterday to ask my parents if they would help me out with funding private therapy sessions and they said yes. I really don't like asking for money from them, and I don't like them knowing that I'm not doing well or am not able to fully take of myself alone, but I think it was the right move.

Thanks again for both of your replies! I really, really appreciate them.

Hi plantsplants. It's great to hear that your parents are going to help you out with paying for private therapy sessions. That's so awesome that they're being supportive. I think a therapist will be a great help with this situation as well!

I wanted to let you know that I have personally been through a very similar situation, and felt very similarly to the way you're feeling right now. It's so hard, but with a good support system, and holding yourself to the distance-and-lack-of-contact, it does get easier. If you surround yourself with people who love you and who are healthy, you soon learn how good it feels to be in their presence as compared to the abuse, and you start feeling like that is the only way you ever want to feel for the rest of your life

Hi Onionpie

Yep, I'm really happy to be seeing a therapist and it is helping a lot.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I've continued to come back to them multiple times since you posted, and they are really useful for calming down and centering myself. I appreciate them a lot.

I'm so glad you've found that helpful

If there's anything else we can do to support you, feel free to let us know anytime!

Hi everyone -
just wanted to say (to people who may be reading this later on, or in the future) that onionpie's advice to stick to the distance and lack-of-contact was absolutely the best possible advice. It was really hard (and here I am almost 6 months after breaking up with this person, and it's still hard sometimes) but it was 100% the right decision. Anyone struggling with this should definitely try to stick with the distance! It is the healthiest and best thing I could have done!

Strength and warmth to all who might be dealing with this--

Thanks so much for giving us this update! I'm so glad you've been able to make a healthier path for yourself, and I know Onionpie will be really really happy to hear this when she's back

So good to hear from you, thanks for the update.