Same old mistakes

[lilfauxhawk]

Long time no see, scarleteen. My old account got purged, I think, but I've been using the boards on and off for almost a decade now.

So last year I came to you guys (post was removed by my request), about this really old dude who screwed me over emotionally. I was 19, he was 50. He told me he was just living with his daughters mother and they were married. Good times. All kinds of fun emotional manipulation and self blame there. Heather, you were really awesome and helpful but unfortunately I'm back with the same mistakes.

I moved. I started a vocational course. I was single for four months, I had planned on staying single for a year and sorting things out. Working on myself and all of that. Last October this guy started working there and everything went to hell.

He said he was 38. I did NOT like him at first, at all. I was a complete B to him tbh, because I felt like if I had engaged him in any kind of way it would have led to something happening. Which happened anyway. I started flirting with him, and it built up to me kissing him. I had major anxiety throughout the whole thing and felt super uncomfortable afterwards but I kept going. We slept together maybe three days after I first kissed him.

He's saying he's falling hard and fast - it sounds crazy to me but he seemed nice so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Cue a date, sleeping together again and him "hinting" at his feelings towards me (we'd been sleeping together for maybe two weeks when he tells me he "won't say it" but he "likes me to the moon and back.") Hell, first night we slept together I told him if all he wanted to do was get laid he could have just said so. Right after that he asked me to be his girlfriend. Great start to the relationship.

So! We'd been sleeping (and together together I guess) a month before he told me he was 45. He'd been hiding the truth because the assistant manager was his brother, etc etc. I had had his drivers license in my hands one night and saw the DOB and he lied smooth as shit. I had seen a picture of him and his brother at his apartment, except when I came out of the bathroom it had been gone (another lie, smooth as shit.)

Anyway, I let it go (stupidly) and things were good, honestly. Enjoyed each other's company, great sex. All that honeymoon period jazz. Biggest issue was him following all these Instagram models/suicide girls and telling me about what they were up to - with me repeatedly telling him I didn't want to hear about them (issues w/ self esteem and comparing self to others.) And the whole liking pictures but somehow not having time to text me back, etc.

Fast forward, December. His lease was broken, but he didn't have enough money to pay the deposit and all that new apartment stuff. So I lent him money. $200 some. Since then, I paid for all of our outings. Even the ones a friend of ours joined us on. I can count on one hand how many times he paid for us going out.

February, he started talking to a coworker of mine (I had switched departments at this point) a LOT. A very pretty 26 yr old girl who was just his type - punk goth lite with tattoos. The kicker was when he created a whole new Insta and followed only three people on it - her, another young coworker (also his type, ambitious and tattooed) and a girl who is the daughter of one of his exes. This is a guy who went from an account following 200 naked models to three people he knew irl - two of them I'm pretty damn sure he's attracted to (because again, as I said, just his type.) I found out about this not because he told me, but because he took a selfie and said he was posting it. If I follow your account and it doesn't get posted there, where does it go? Hmm. Thins got bad here because he had kept telling me to explain why I was upset about it and when I finally did (a good five paragraph text worth - hey, he wanted to know) he told me he was "done with that and any future outbursts like it."

April. We break up. I had been planning on going back packing again, and he said he didn't want me to be held back from the romance of travel blah blah blah. I told him nothing was going to happen, because honest to god I didn't plan on anything to happen, but he says it's better this way I don't know what the future holds etc etc

During the trip we kept in touch once a week. I did meet three people and kissed them. I got back in June. First night back together he tells me he went out with someone at work (who doesn't work there anymore but I was still upset about that - he knew I was going back there and it's not like he knew she wasn't going to be there when I got back.) but he's telling me it's okay if I slept with someone and the way he was saying was weird, but I still told him the truth that I kissed three people.

His whole mood changed, he was telling me afterwards in bed I was like a different person, etc. I was upset and confused because he had literally broken up with me for that reason and here he was upset by it.

So since then, we hadn't been together together. We were still hanging out and everything was the same except he didn't say he loved me anymore. I was in limbo. Then earlier this month, we had a talk and I laid it out for him that I wanted a relationship relationship - but I could never see him introducing me to his family (besides his brother. And on Christmas, his birthday, his bro invited me to his party, but it wasn't until I got there he told me he wasn't going to introduce me to anyone because he'd been the "black sheep" in the family and he didn't want to rock the boat or something like that.) He said that that made him think and he would get back to me later.

Next morning, I call and ask and he says its over, the relationship has gone as far as it's going to go but he wouldn't say that we WONT get back together in the future. Said he hadn't felt the same about me since I got back (but completely unrelated to kissing people.) Still had sex a few nights later. I thought I could handle "friends with benefits." We even went out and bought toys and were discussing things we wanted to try.

Had a fight a couple nights ago, where he told me he didnt want me to spend the night at his place because I get too attached. But he had just been talking about spending the night at mine. So I asked him what's the difference and he said I was right he apologized but I kept pushing it because wtf kind of logic is that to even pop into your head and he went off on me about being possessive and he was done talking to me etc etc. next morning I texted him asking for my things and when I got to work he was all like a boy asking me if I was mad at him etc.

I still saw his BS. I still slept with him.

Then he blew me off after I left the night before, he had asked me if I would go to breakfast and I told him only if he was paying (he had told me strict fwb, no hanging out, and I was done with his rules and BS flip flopping.) He got short, ignored me all the next day and then today I asked if we were still fwb and he said "I'll let you know later."

Texted him, and apparently he's found "someone else." She's 20, and he "knew her from before" whatever tf that means. Didn't tell me sooner because he wasn't sure about it didn't have intentions, etc.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here, to be honest. I'm upset, I'm angry, I want to hide from everyone. I'm disgusted with myself and with him. I'm insecure because, well, I'm insecure - but one of my big issues from when I was younger was growing older. I was literally terrified to turn 18 because I thought I wouldn't be attractive anymore. I got over that but now here I am, 21 years old getting replaced by a younger model. I feel sick. Friends who know about this have told me its a fucked up situation and that he's an asshole, and I KNOW it's a fucked up situation and that he's an asshole, but I still need something. I don't know.

I'm also angry because one of the reasons he wouldn't consider a relationship with me was because I'm "young" and "have my whole life ahead of me" etc etc. If I'm young and all that, what the hell is a 20 year old? I know he's not interested in a real relationship. I know he's a manipulative asshole. But it's eating at me even tho I know all of these things. Hell, even in the beginning, I had told him I didn't see him settling down, especially if he was used to "dating" 23 yr olds like he had told me. Idk. I'm tired. I need someone, an objective stranger, to tell me I'm going to be ok.

[Sam W]

Hi lilfauxhawk,

That sounds like quite a messed up situation to have to deal with, and it's no wonder you're feeling emotionally trashed. You'll be okay, and once the dust settles you'll also be glad you dodged the bullet of being entangled with this guy for any longer than you were. This article might also help you out right now in terms of dealing with the break-up: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

Turning an eye towards the future, it sounds like something that would benefit you is to work out what the patterns are in how these relationships go and what you could do on your end to control them (obviously you can't stop 40 year old men from pursuing younger women). For instance, what caused the shift from "keeping this guy at a distance" to flirting with him? I'd also look for patterns in how these men behave, to see if there are some common manipulation tactics that keep popping up. If you want, you could have these conversations with someone like a counselor, who could give you that outsider perspective and some tools to deal with situations like this in the future.

[lilfauxhawk]

Thank you so much for the reply and the link.

I actually am in therapy at the moment, but unfortunately I'm a month overdue because I don't have insurance. I have an appointment coming up in a week, so I'll be able catch up and talk it all out.

I was just wondering if I could have some quick advice on how to deal with feeling like a fool at work? He's leaving soon hopefully/thankfully, but some things came to light and basically he was setting it up so when I got back from my trip nobody would have known we were together. I'm not very fond of that job to begin with, but knowing what I know now I'm not very thrilled about going back to work on Tuesday. It makes me feel 100x the idiot I already am, so any advice there would be great. How to let that go.

[Onionpie]

Hi lilfauxhawk. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. It's great that you're going to have the chance to talk to your therapist about this sometime soon. What might also help, during the times you aren't able to see your therapist, or just between visits, is keeping a journal about these things. Writing about all of what Sam mentioned, so that you can start looking for patterns yourself -- sometimes that's a lot easier to do when it's not just bouncing around in your head, but written out on paper too.

As for how to handle being at work around him -- it sounds like nobody there knows about the situation? You could try thinking about that as a positive thing -- since nobody knows, there's nobody to judge or say anything stupid to you about it. And hey, this kind of thing happens to the best of us, you're certainly not alone -- it's just one of those rough moments of learning what is good for you and what is not so good. Being open and vulnerable never makes you an idiot, even if it's taken advantage of and manipulated by nasty people. Being open and vulnerable are important parts of being human, without them you would never make any genuine connections.

And when it comes to interacting with him at work, I think trying to keep it to the minimal amount of interaction necessary, and keeping it very polite, professional, and impersonal will be key to helping you deal with it. If he tries to rope you into personal conversations, you can cut him off by saying that work is not an appropriate place to be having those conversations. Minimally emotional interactions tend to help when coping with situations and feelings like these, and they also lend you some power back -- how can you feel like an idiot when you're so in control of the situation and the conversation?