Scarleteen

Hi, all!
I'm a new member of the forum and found my way here through a series of searches on the topic of my post. Since so much of the information on the site and forum has been so helpful and thoughtful, I thought I would see if anyone could provide some insight on my particular issue. So, here goes!

Some background: I have a history of child abuse, which includes repeated sexual assault by a trusted friend of the family when I was 7/8 (more on this later) and 18 years of living with a narcissistic, physically abusive, and emotionally abusive parent. While I'm not a huge fan of the term, "emotional incest" fairly accurately describes my relationship with my mother. In addition, I was sexually assaulted again while in college by a friend's boyfriend.

Of particular importance regarding the sexual assault I experienced as a child is the still very present belief that I consented to what happened. I was a very precocious child, and I knew almost instantly what was happening and that I was not powerless to stop it. However, I was also an emotionally neglected child. So, I very rationally decided to keep my mouth shut about what was happening in return for "extra" affection I was receiving. I did eventually inform my mother of the situation in an impulsive moment, which I still regret to this day. I was still forced to be around the man every day, but now he was super pissed at me and had my mother's permission to corporally punish me.... Not a good combination.

I removed myself from my mother's control at 18 and have spent last last decade trying to sort out my feelings towards sex, intimacy, relationships, trust, and so on. So far, I've been rather unsuccessful in figuring out what I DO want - don't wants are much easier.

One of my major sticking points, and what I'm hoping to get some advice on, is my sexuality. I've never been sexually attracted to another person and have had no desire to have sex with anyone. I've never even had sexual dreams/fantasies involving people. At most, I've become somewhat aroused reading about other people having sex, but even that is fairly rare. I'm also not particularly interested in masturbation, and have always felt confused regarding its appeal. I have had intellectual crushes on people of both genders (but still no sexual attraction). Based on all of this, I've started considering myself to be asexual.

However, since I've always considered myself a sex positive person (in regards to other people) and I've received considerable training in assisting others in moving past trauma, I've wondered whether I'm actually asexual (i.e. Would I be asexual if I had never been abused?) or if my lack of attraction is a result of the abuse.

Why does this distinction matter to me? Well, I feel if I was "born asexual," then I'm cool with accepting that as my sexual identity. However, if it's just a result of the abuse, then I wonder if I should be working on "jump starting" my sexuality or doing something to awaken that part of myself. What makes it particularly difficult to determine an answer is that since the abuse happened pre-puberty, I feel as if I don't have anything to go on in terms of what my un-abused sexuality would look like...

So, yeah, that's where I am. I've tried discussing this with a few people and their answer is generally that I should just "know" one way or another.... Not particularly helpful, since I'm not even sure I'd recognize sexual attraction if it did happen to me! Any thoughts or suggestions on this issue or what I could do answer these questions would be much appreciated!

P.S. I read through the responses to a similar question (http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic. ... 46&p=16234), which was really interesting and helpful, but I feel like it wasn't asking quite the same question that I am.

Hey Confusality. This is a hard and complex topic, so your confusion around it is totally understandable. I'm so sorry to hear that your trust and autonomy were eroded so much throughout your childhood. The fact that you survived that and are free of it is proof of your strength.

Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to just give you a straight up answer like "nope, you totally would have been asexual either way!" Like I said, this topic is complex. There really is no way of knowing what your sexuality would have been like if you weren't abused -- sexuality is so completely personal, and abuse affects us in totally personal ways, so there's no way to really compare and know exactly how you would have developed sexually otherwise. No matter how much we would like to, we have no way of peering into our alternate universes and seeing how things might have otherwise turned out.

Furthermore, sexual orientation is so complex that nobody's really in agreement about anything to do with it. Some people do believe that people are just "born this way" and were destined to be straight/gay/asexual/etc etc since birth. However, it's impossible to tell. So, some people believe that it's maybe influenced a bit by environment as well. So perhaps being "born asexual" just isn't a thing at all. And perhaps your experiences played a part in shaping your sexuality, but were not the be-all-end-all of you being asexual.

And to address another point in your post. You didn't truly consent to the abuse you experienced as a child. You were a child. Children cannot grasp the complexity of sexual situations with adults, adult sexuality is FAR different from child sexuality and adults know that but children have no way of understanding that. Even if you "knew" what was happening and that you could stop it, your other experiences of abuse affected your understanding of your own autonomy. Abusive parents destroy trust and the sense of security in their children, which affects the way they understand abuse by other people.

Affection is a hugely important part of a child's development, so when a child doesn't experience that affection from the adults most important in their lives -- their parents -- they accept any form of "affection" (which sexual abuse is NOT) whether it's healthy or not. Children need affection in their lives so much, when they are refused it, it is absolutely not their fault when they accept even the tiniest grain of what they perceive as affection. You were simply searching for a way to fill the universal human need for affection, and as a child you were not taught the ways that are healthy or not. That does not make it your fault in any way, and that doesn't make you somehow consenting in the situation.

Sexual abuse does make it harder to unravel our sexuality and what it is we truly want and enjoy, and it makes it harder to (re)build our autonomy and sense of truly owning our bodies and boundaries. Knowing what you don't want is a good start though, so don't negate the great work you've done so far! We have a checklist that you might find useful here:
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

However, if you find you're not interested in any of those things, that's absolutely fine. You don't NEED to be sexual, it's not required. And even if the abuse had some affect on your sexuality, which nobody will ever be able to tell, there really is no way to "jump start" your sexuality. It's too complex for that, and you don't have that much control over it. Exploring what things interest you and work for you takes time for anyone, and can take longer for those of us who have survived assault and abuse, and that's nothing to be ashamed about or to blame ourselves for. We simply have more to rebuild, which takes time.

If you haven't checked out some childhood abuse support websites, I think you may find them really helpful. Although it's a uk website, this one isn't just helpful for people in the UK, so you might find it a good place to start:
NAPAC