Scarleteen

Hi, I am a questioning teenage girl.

I have identified as asexual and I'm pretty comfortable with it, but I'm experiencing a ton of confusion on the romantic front. I know that I am at least aesthetically and sensually attracted to girls. The main source of confusion is how I don't think I've ever experienced romantic attraction to anyone and how I'm not even sure what romantic attraction means. I feel no distinction between a platonic and romantic relationship outside of maybe kissing on the lips. Many activities that couples are shown to do (cuddling, holding hands, just being together) I tend to do with my friends anyways, I honestly cannot make clear distinction. I entertain the thought of kissing girls, but it's almost entirely in the abstract with little actual commitment. This would point to me being aromantic, which leads me to my next problem.

Girls are really, really attractive.

Yes, I can find girls around me attractive, I can find them cute, pretty, I can be so blown away that I have to look away blushing as if I'd stared into the sun.

Except for one girl (perhaps more than one, all of these people are close friends) in particular who I just want to hold and be held by and whom I would like to kiss in every part of her body that she's insecure about. Sounds gay? Probably, except I have no distinction between romantic and platonic attraction. Romance is something I never think about without outside prompting. I've never felt the despair of not having a romantic partner because I have never felt like I wanted or needed one, but now I'm experiencing feelings that I don't know how to judge or categorize.

I identify with both the aromantic community and the lesbian community, but I feel that I am faking with the latter because I don't know if I have felt or am even capable of feeling romantic attraction.

(I'd like to add that when imagining romantic or sexual relations I am generally more comfortable with people who identify as female, but this might partially be denial/me desperately wanting to belong in the lesbian community talking.)

Can someone with more experience help me sort this out?

Hi A Good Day,

First, the giant caveat: It's always going to be up to you to put a name to what you're feeling. We can certainly offer our thoughts, but your identity is something you get to have total say over. It might also help to remember that how you identify now may not be how you identify in a few years, which is totally fine! Attraction and orientation can be changeable across a lifetime.

I will say that the way you're describing your feelings for this one girl certainly sounds like romantic attraction. Really, it sounds like sexual attraction to me. I feel deep, platonic love for plenty of my friends. But I don't want to kiss their bodies. That's something that I only want to do to people I'm sexually attracted to, because it has to do with desiring their bodies as well as their personality.

Something that might help us help you is: can you tell me how you, in your own life, differentiate between romantic, platonic, and sexual feelings? What for you are the factors that separate them from each other?